Eyes on Me

Absence

Night one

He wasn’t there

I told myself I wasn’t looking

This is completely normal right? It’s trying to adapt to something that changes overnight

I came up with excuses to make myself feel better but deep down I knew they were just excuses

I stepped onto the stage, music, same lights, same sticky floor beneath my heels

My eyes swept the room out of habit not hope

The corner was empty. No dark suit. No untouched whiskey. No eyes tracking my every move

Good. This was good.

I danced, collected my pay for the day and left through the alley. No black car idling by the dumpster

The night air was cold and empty, exactly what I wanted.

Good. I thought again, pulling my hoodie around me

The word tasted like nothing

It’s been three nights now and I hadn’t felt any piercing gaze

I mean I didn’t mean to keep count

I moved through my routine like a ghost

Pole. Spin. Arch. Smile

The men threw their money and I took it, that was the transaction. That was always supposed to be the transaction

Jade caught me after my set, and she had that look that says I’m about to say something but I’m sure you don’t want to hear it

“You’ve been distracted”

“I’m just tired”

“Tired. Right” she said arms crossed, looking at me pointedly

“You know for someone who doesn’t care, you sure keep looking at that corner”

“What corner? My eyes are everywhere Jade” I said as she laughed lightly before walking away

There was no way I was going to admit to caring about a person that I didn’t even know so much as his name

It was the fifth night

I was angry, but not at him, at myself. I had no right to be angry at him, he didn’t owe me anything

He was a stranger who sat in the corner and watched just like everybody else

What if he watched every other girl who performed here the same way

I was angry at myself.

For noticing he was gone. For wondering why. For dancing differently because of a man whose name I didn't know.

No more, I told myself. I sat at the mirror and painted my lips red like war paint. No more looking. No more wondering. Milly is why you're here. The receipt is why you're here. Not him.

I danced harder that night. Faster. I didn't glance at the corner once. When my set ended, I counted my tips. Enough for Montelukast. Enough for Albuterol. That was what mattered.

On the bus home, forehead against the cold window, I repeated it like a prayer.

Milly. The receipt. Milly. The receipt.

The city lights blurred past. Somewhere between stops, my phone buzzed. Amara. Milly drew another picture. This one has you in a cape. She says you're a superhero.

I smiled for the first time in days. Then I cried. Quietly. So the driver wouldn't hear.

It was a full week, seven nights of convincing myself that I did not care

That night as I changed back into casual washed Jeans and my hoodie, Jade appeared beside me

She didn’t say anything and just watched me as I wiped off my lipstick and I prayed it would stay that way

“Hey” she said “that guy, the quiet one”

My stomach tightened “yeah, what about him?”

“I haven’t seen him in a while”

“Uh-huh me too”

“You okay?” She tilted her head

“ why wouldn’t I be? He’s just a customer Jade”

She pushed off the locker “just asking, you seemed..different when he was around, let’s say determined”

I turned towards her “forget I said anything” she said before walking off

I turned back to mirror I looked older and worn out

Funny how I hated my appearance but couldn’t help myself from looking in the mirror

Different?

Was I different when he was here? I couldn’t tell but I knew his gaze had an effect on me