Eyes on Me

Empty Alley

The music from the main floor is muffled now

I lean against the wall backstage trying to catch my breath

“Girl, you good” I looked up to Jade

She was my only friend sort of around here, she’s worked the longest more than any of us

“Yeah I’m fine” I flashed a fake smile

“Who was that?”

“ who was what” I felt my heart start pounding all over again

Jade stepped closer to me with arms crossed

"Don't play with me. You danced for that man like the rest of us weren't even in the room."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure you don't." She smirked, but her eyes were serious. "Just be careful, Grace. The quiet ones? They're the ones you don't see coming."

I didn't answer. Because I had no answer. She was right. And I knew it.

Sitting in the mirror staring at myself

The red lipstick that once felt like an armor now feels like a confession

She wipes it off slowly, her real face underneath

Tired, young and scared

I’m here for Milly, not for anyone else.

I change into my hoodie and joggers, placing the damp black lace into my bag

The cracked heel she had superglued twice stares up at her

She shoves it in too

I grabbed my bag and pushed through the back exit

The alley was cold.

The kind of cold that seeps under your cloth and stays there

I stepped out and looked to my right

Empty.

No black car. No idling engine. No silhouette in the back seat

I let out a breath I didn’t know I had been holding

And then right behind the relief came something worse

Disappointment.

I hated myself for it. I clenched my fists tightly and started walking

What’s wrong with you? He’s a stranger, more or less a customer. You don’t even know his name

But my feet felt heavier with every step. The street felt quiet

The city that never sleeps felt asleep tonight

And I was alone with my thoughts.

You wanted him to be there.

The thought crept in before I could stop it. I wanted him to be there

Waiting, watching like he had been every night

Staring at my every move like I was the only thing that mattered

“Get it together Grace” I whispered silently

I took the bus cause I didn’t have much money for a cab fare

I sit by the window, forehead against the window as the city lights blurred past

My phone buzzes

I look down to see it’s a text from Amara

Milly’s fine, fell asleep right after you left. Hope work was okay

I stared at the screen until the light dimmed and the screen became black again

I picked up Milly who was fast asleep as I moved silently not trying to wake her up

I walked through the front door

The apartment was silent

I placed Milly on her bed, her nightlight cast soft stars across the ceiling

Her chest rose and fell

Steady, no wheezing.

I stood there longer than I needed to, watching her breathe reminding myself that this was why I needed to do this

I lay in bed staring at the ceiling. The crack near the light fixture, the water stain in the corner, I’d counted them a hundred times

Tonight I saw something else. A dark corner, an empty glass, two unbuttoned buttons on a shirt that I did not even know the color of until tonight

I turned to my side, then my back and to my side again

Empty alley, empty glass, empty me. I closed my eyes

Most of all I hated how I much I wished to have his gaze on me again.