Infernal Incarnation: Asmodeus to Ari

Chapter 14

         “I can’t believe it!” Ari shouted, still reeling from the hurricane of emotions swirling around in their abdomen, making them feel sick.

        “How could she lie to my face for the entirety of our… whatever it was! She was the only person that I have been with for longer than a one night stand. I know that I could never be in a committed relationship, but this is as close as it f*****g gets.” they trailed off, raking a hand through their hair and sighing deeply.

    Liz looked at Ari, their bloodshot eyes and disheveled appearance and felt sorry for them.

    Taking a deep breath she asked, “Do you feel like you’re upset because you had deeper feelings for Serafina than you realized?”

    Ari shot a dangerous look at Liz. “I could never have feelings for her.”

        “Well, you may feel that way now that she has come clean about betraying your trust and lying about the circumstances that lead you to be in each other’s lives. However, I am asking you what your feelings toward Serafina were before you felt the sting of betrayal.”

        “I’ve never given it much thought. We’ve only ever had s*x, we weren’t even something I could consider to be friends.”

        “Yet, your emotions are indicative of the relationship being something more than only sex.”

        “You know, doc. I’d rather drop it. I don’t know what to think or feel… I’m exhausted.”

        “Is there anything else from your encounter with her that you want to talk about?”

        “No. Well… she did say something about a man hiring her to get close to me, but I can’t remember his name. And I don’t know the reason. When I heard someone hired her to meet me, I didn’t hear anything else after that…”

        “Ari, why would someone pay Serafina to get close to you? What could you have or know that would cause someone else to pay someone to get close to you?”

        “To be honest, I’m not sure. I don’t have any major secrets or skeletons in my closet that I’m aware of. All I -do- know is that I should have gone with my first mind and not had anything to do with her beyond a one night stand.”

    Sighing, Liz sat back in her chair, crossed her arms over the notepad in her lap and looked at Ari. “Well, there has to be something. Assuming someone hired her to get to know you on a more… intimate basis, I’d say it’s something about you as a person and not your business.”

    Ari thought about what Liz said for a moment before responding. “I don’t know. There’s nothing about my personal life that I think would be of any interest to someone who doesn’t know me.”

        “Well, is there anyone from your past that would want to know what you’re like or what you’re doing now? Or can you think of anyone that would have a reason to want to know something about your personal life? So personal that just knowing you on a friendly level isn’t sufficient?”

    Ari didn’t like where this was going. Not one bit. They started to get that feeling of impending doom that settled in the bottom of their stomach like a ton of bricks. Ari could feel the lump in their throat start to grow as they broke out in a cold sweat and felt the room start to slowly spin around them. Another panic attack. Here, of all places.

        “It’s going to be alright”, they heard Liz say. “Just let it happen, don’t try to control it. Allow your emotions to come in, recognize them for what they are, thank them and let them leave. Don’t try to force away your feelings, Ari.”

    Ari closed their eyes and tried to focus on what she was saying, allowing their feelings to come to the surface. For so long they’ve tried to push down, ignore or subdue their emotions. Believing that one who is the master of their emotions is never held a slave to them. But Ari could not ignore the fact that these anxiety attacks were only getting worse with time.

    Ari clutched their chest and couldn’t help but think that they were going to die of a heart attack. Liz’s voice came again, sounding farther away, but just as reassuring.

        “You can do this, just breathe deeply and surrender control. Stop trying to push everything away. Let your emotions just wash over you and allow them to be released. You don’t always have to be in control of everything all the time.”

    That was it. That was the final straw that broke down the proverbial damn. All Ari’s worries, fears, insecurities, curiosities… everything came flooding to the surface. They fell from their chair as they howled out, tears streaming down their face.

        “I just… I really thought I could...” Ari stopped as a sob took them over.

        “Could what? Love her? Do you think you were starting to love her? Because if so, that would be some serious progress, Ari.”

        “It doesn’t matter what I thought.” Ari said, barely above a whisper, as they sat on the floor with their knees pulled into their chest.

        “None of it is true, none of it was real. I let myself get duped, doc.” Ari looked back up at Liz, hoping to see some sort of glimmer of reassurance in her face. Instead they only saw her eyes filled with sadness and a hint of pity.

        “Ari, in the moment, did you believe her when she said she loves you?” Liz asked, trying to readdress Ari’s emotional connection to Serafina.

    Ari shook their head. They felt a sting in their throat and a heaviness in their chest. They couldn’t focus on whether or not they had felt her love, they could only feel the pain of her betrayal.

        “I’m not sure, doc. I can’t think of that right now. You’re asking me to think about everything objectively and figure out whether or not I felt like her love was real but all I feel is confusion and the crushing weight of betrayal. When I heard her say she was hired, I couldn’t hear anything else because my heart was pounding in my head and my stomach felt like it was going to fall out of my butt.”

    Liz sighed and reached out to touch Ari’s shoulder. “It’s never easy to find out that something you believed in wasn’t what you thought it was.”

        “It’s more than that, doc. I thought she was different. I thought I could be different with her… only to find out that none of it was real. Only this time, instead of me being the one who ruined everything it was her.”

    Ari paused to rub their face and get back into their chair from the floor.

        “I just can’t believe I let myself start to trust her. I brought her back to my place, which you know never happens. Ever. I was even considering letting her spend the night. I just can’t get over the fact that someone I thought I could trust with being in my life, my home, was there because it was some sort of job to her.”

    Liz felt sorry for Ari, but she also felt like they needed to know the full story. Which, from what she gathered, they didn’t get. She knew that they wouldn’t like her suggestion, but she had to make it all the same.

        “I think you should reach out to her. Get the full story. I feel like there’s more to it than meets the eye, and she’ll be able to give you some more insight into what all happened. I know it’s going to be difficult for you, but I want you to see if you can talk to her to get the full picture. Get her full side of the story.”

    Ari’s brows knitted together and their eyes were glued to the floor in front of them. A full minute had passed before Ari spoke again.

        “And why would you want me to do that? How could you ask me to?”

    Liz’s heart sank a bit, she knew that Ari was in a vulnerable position and she knew that ‘vulnerable’ wasn’t something Ari had ever allowed themself to be. Even in their previous sessions when they had discussed very personal matters, Ari has always been so matter of fact. Liz had never seen Ari lose their composure over anything before. The fact that they did today showed Liz that there’s more to their feelings for Sera than they’d like to admit.

    Liz, however, was more worried about why someone would want to pry into Ari’s life. A thought that kept plaguing Liz throughout their session resurfaced once more. “Could another celestial being know about them being a reincarnation of Asmodeus? What is it that this person paid Serafina to find out about them?”

        “Like I said, I know it is going to be difficult, but don’t you want to know who was looking into your life and why? What could someone want to know about you as an individual? If there is someone out there who wants to hurt you, help you or whatever it is they want to know about you… don’t you want to know who they are and what they want?”

    Ari couldn’t deny it; any of it. They knew that Liz was right. If someone out there is paying people to spy on them and gather some sort of data or information about them, Ari wanted to know. Slowly, anger started to replace the sadness within Ari, as they remembered the night they questioned the state of their coffee table and later found their balcony door slightly ajar.

        “You’re right, doc… and, there’s something else. Something I had pushed out of my mind until now.” Ari paused and swallowed hard, quelling the feeling of panic that had started to creep into their chest.

        “A few nights ago, last week maybe, when I got home I noticed something was off about the coffee table. It felt like something was missing, but I couldn’t think of what could have been moved or out of place. Then later on that night I saw the security bar wasn’t engaged, and the sliding door that leads to the balcony was slightly open. I had a bit of a panic attack but since my memory hasn’t been all that great, I talked myself down… But now I’m thinking that it could have been related. Do you think she told someone how to get into my apartment?”

    As the realization dawned on Ari, all their anger, fear, sadness and confusion started welling up within them again.

        “I think I’m gonna be sick.”

    Liz grabbed the small waste basket and put it in front of Ari just in case. She wanted to ask, again, but figured it wasn’t a good time. As if they sensed the question was on her mind again, Ari looked back up at Liz and let out a deep breath. Straightening themself, they inhaled deeply before addressing Liz’s unspoken question.

        “I’ll reach out to her and see what she knows. I can’t live with the uncertainty of who wants to know what about me, and whether or not there was a stranger in my apartment invading my space and sanctuary.”

    Liz simply nodded her head in agreeance and replied, “Good.”