The Light to My Darkness

22

"The baby is fine," James said very matter-of-factly. He cupped my face in his hand and glanced at the front of the car. "Put your f*****g foot on the gas, William!"

The car lurched forward.

The baby is fine. So that meant I wasn't fine, right? But if I wasn't okay, the baby wasn't either. I squeezed my eyes shut as it felt like someone was stabbing my heart.

"Penny, please open your eyes."

I looked back up at him. There was fear in his gaze. "It hurts." My voice came out as a whimper.

"What hurts, Penny?" He pushed my hair off my forehead.

"My heart." I knew what heartache felt like. I knew how painful that could be. But it wasn't like this. It felt as though my heart was literally breaking, cracking in two.

He clutched me a little tighter. "Okay, baby. We'll be there any second. Please just keep looking at me."

He didn't realize that it was hard to look at him like this. That looking at him made me feel like I was slipping away. Is that how I looked on our wedding day? When I watched his body collapse onto the ground? Was I dying too? The panic rising to my chest made the ache between my ribs increase.

"He's not kicking." The words that slipped out of my mouth terrified me. When was the last time I felt him kick?

"What?" James' hand slid down to my stomach.

"He always kicks me when I'm upset. Why isn't he kicking me?" Please let my baby be okay.

Sunday

I tightened my grip on James' hand.

The wand swept across my stomach once again. Dr. Nelson shifted in his seat and leaned closer to the monitor.

I looked up at James.

He gave me a tight smile. No fake optimism. No promise that everything was okay.

The silence was unnerving. Where were my son's heartbeats? Where was that tiny thudding noise that put a smile on my face? If I gripped James' hand any tighter my nails would surely have drawn blood. Would he notice? Would either of us notice a pain greater than this silence ever again?

I looked back at the monitor and counted my own heartbeats echoing in my ears. Could they beat for him? Please, please, baby boy. Please be okay.

Silence.

It felt like my whole world was slipping away. He was healthy. How could he just...stop? I felt the trickle of a tear run down my cheek. Now I was begging for his kicks. Begging for any sign that his tiny heart hadn't given out. Please.

"Oh, there we are," Dr. Nelson said.

I breathed out a sigh of relief and let my head flop down onto the pillow.

James placed a kiss on the back of my hand.

"A nice steady heartbeat. The baby is fine." He removed the wand from my stomach and handed me a towel to wipe off the jelly-like substance left behind.

"So he's okay?" I asked.

The doctor nodded. "You're both perfectly healthy."

"The nurse that came in said her heart rate and blood pressure were elevated. She mentioned that Penny might need medication for that."

"Well, that nurse was mistaken. Any medication we put her on would be dangerous for the baby. Everything is fine."

The word fine was starting to sound jarring to my ears.

"Dangerous for the baby, but how dangerous is this condition for my wife without treatment?"

Dr. Nelson looked down at his clipboard. "You're still taking those vitamins I gave you, right Penny?"

I nodded.

"I think that's enough. But let's double the dose every day just to be safe."

"You think?" James released my hand. "Can I please have a word with you in the hall?"

"Very well." The doctor took his clipboard and tucked it into his side. "I think maybe I issued bed rest prematurely. Go out and get your mind off everything, Penny. Sitting around thinking about it isn't helping anyone." He lightly patted my shin. His hand was so cold that it made me shiver. That was one of the things I disliked about Dr. Nelson. His hands were always freezing. And he always wore black scrubs instead of the pale pastel colors all the other hospital staff wore. I had been thinking about that Harry Potter movie that had scared Scarlett so much that Dr. Nelson was actually starting to resemble Professor Snape. And it wasn't just the black scrubs. It was the long gray hair that was always slightly messy looking. And the prominent nose. He really did look like an older version of the actor that played Professor Snape. I almost laughed out loud, envisioning him in a robe instead of scrubs. For some reason, it made me miss Dr. Jones. And his warm hands. And kind smile. And blue scrubs.

I shook the thought away. Dr. Nelson was great. I shouldn't have compared him to my last OB-GYN. Besides, I couldn't go back to Dr. Jones. He was retired. And James was thinking of suing him. God, I really hoped he didn't go through with that.

I watched the two of them walk out into the hall. As soon as the door closed, I could hear their heated exchange through the thin walls of the hospital room. I climbed out of the bed and started getting dressed, trying to ignore their words, but I couldn't.

"She said she had chest pains," James said.

"Which is ridiculous. You can't feel a heart murmur getting worse."

"Getting worse? Who said anything about it getting worse? Is the leak growing?"

"Mr. Hunter, it isn't getting worse. It would still be classified as moderate. I just meant that the condition can't be physically felt."

"Are you calling my wife a liar?"

"No, I didn't..."

"If she said her heart is hurting, then her f*****g heart is hurting."

"And I just told you that such a thing is theoretically impossible."

"So you are calling her a liar."

"I'm just saying that bored housewives sometimes need attention!" Dr. Nelson snapped.

I bit the inside of my lip. Bored housewife? I smoothed my dress back into place. I actually had thought that the pain was in my head. It had only started after I was aware of my heart murmur. Was I really going crazy? I placed my hand on the center of my chest. So why did it hurt right now? I grabbed my purse off my chair. Bored housewife. Dr. Nelson's words echoed around in my head. I wasn't sure any combination of words had stung so badly. And it wasn't true. I was a wife and a mother and an author.