6
1142 Words
He reached out and ran his hand down the side of my face. "Why after all these years do you still feel that you need to prove yourself to me?" He lowered his eyebrows slightly. "Are you not happy?" His hand fell from my face.
"What?" I stood up and slipped my hands into his. "No, it's not that. I'm so happy. You, our family, I'm so so happy, James."
"Then what is it?"
"It's just...I put everything into this book. Maybe I didn't realize how much I needed approval until this moment. But all these rejections weigh on me. This character," I said and gestured to my laptop. "She's me. It feels like they're all saying that they hate me. As a human being. That I'm not good enough. That I'm worthless."
"You are not worthless. Penny, you are the most amazing woman I have ever met. You are the most loving mother and wife. You're intelligent and stunning. And you have the most beautiful soul." He put his hand on the center of my chest. "Your heart beats with love and kindness and hope. And I don't know anyone else as worthy of everything they want in this world than you. So if what you want is for this book to be read, please, baby, let me help you get it into the right hands."
"You haven't even read it. You don't know if it's any good."
"If you wrote it with half the heart that you do everything else with, then I'm certain it's better than anything I've ever read."
I hastily wiped the tears away from my face.
"And if you shed one more tear over this book, let it be because you're celebrating hitting a bestseller list. Not fretting over a rejection letter from a company who wouldn't know what a good book was if it hit them in the face."
I laughed.
"There." He put his hands on both sides of my face. "That smile. How can you think that you're worthless when I live and breathe each day just to see that smile."
I stood up on my tiptoes and wrapped my arms around the back of his neck. He smelled like a mixture of children's berry scented shampoo and his cologne. It was the most glorious scent in the world. "Okay."
"Okay what?" His hands slid down my back, igniting this flame inside of me that I hoped would never extinguish.
"You can read it."
A smile broke over his face.
"But don't get all professorly on me and nitpick every little thing."
He laughed. "We talked about this. Professorly is not a word. So if you've used that in your novel I'm going to have to point it out."
"I've changed my mind. You can't read it now." I tried to wiggle out of his grip. I laughed as he pinned me to his chest and rotated us so that my ass was pressed against the desk.
His kiss silenced my laughter. God, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in his arms.
"Dinner time!" Ellen yelled from the kitchen.
James sighed and pressed his forehead against mine. "The timing of that woman."
I laughed. "To be continued?"
He grabbed my waist and pulled me off the desk. "To be continued."
But we both knew that our night consisted of watching a children's movie with Scarlett and falling asleep on the couch. I was usually the first one to pass out.
Friday
Scarlett was smearing the pasta around her plate with her hand. A few months ago she had started refusing to sit in her highchair. I missed the days where she couldn't run off in the middle of dinner like a little banshee. She was giving me that look like she was eager to play tag. It was only a matter of minutes before she screamed "you're it" to no one in particular and took off. I wasn't sure if I had the energy to play tonight.
"Honey, are you all done eating?" I asked. "How about we go wash your hands and get everything ready for movie night?"
"I want Daddy to do it!" She slammed her hands back down on the pasta sending sauce flying off her plate. She giggled and smiled up at me.
The smile lifted my spirits slightly, but I wasn't sure how many times she could say she didn't want me before I burst into tears in front of her. I knew it was a phase, but it didn't mean it wasn't hurtful.
"I can help you, Scarlett," I said. "Let your father do the dishes and get the movie set up and we'll join him in a minute."
"But." She stuck her bottom lip out and it looked like she was the one that was going to start crying. "Why can't Daddy help me?" She turned her adorable little face toward James.
"Of course I can help you clean up, pumpkin," he immediately said. He stood up and lifted her off her booster seat. "Let's go get you washed up again."
I sat there for a moment as they wandered off, wondering if that was it. That Scarlett was a Daddy's girl now and would never want my help with anything ever again. I sighed and started to clean up the mess she had left behind.
Doing dishes was one of my least favorite things to do when I was pregnant. It was hard to lean over with my hands in the sink with my huge stomach in the way. And for just a brief moment I was bitter. Because James knew that. When I had been pregnant with Scarlett I had mentioned that it hurt to do dishes once and he had been on top of it every night. Or he would at least insist that they just soak in the sink for Ellen to do in the morning. He barely let me lift a plate.
I leaned down and buried my hands in the soapy water. I was scolded with a soft kick. I know, baby boy. But I'll do them quickly.
There was no reason to be bitter. I rinsed off one of the pans and set it on the drying rack. James was being a good father. I understood that Scarlett came first now. And I was glad that they were two peas in a pod. I was.
Damn it, so why am I crying? The hormones were making me feel insane. I blinked hard to try and will the tears away as I rinsed off another pan. James had just told me that he lived and breathed each day to see my smile. But that wasn't even true anymore. He lived and breathed to see Scarlett's beautiful smile. And sometimes, just sometimes, I missed having his undivided attention.
- Writer
