The Light to My Darkness

7

"Ow." This time my hand went to my chest. The plate I was holding made a terrible clattering noise as it hit the side of the sink, and then it plopped back into the water. I closed my eyes and willed the sharp pain to go away. Ever since the doctor had told me about my condition, I had these phantom pains. I knew they weren't real because I had never had them before. It was just in my head. But no matter how many times I told myself that, it still felt like my heart was being sliced in two.

I'm okay. We're okay. I looked down at my stomach. The pain slowly subsided and I reached back into the water and lifted up the plate. Luckily it had survived the fall. Everything's okay.

"What are you doing?" James grabbed the plate out of my hand. There was an icy look in his eyes and a sternness in his voice that I didn't quite understand. "We were going to do those." He plopped Scarlett down on the counter and she leaned down and picked up a spoon out of the sink.

"Daddy said we were doing dishes tonight, Mommy!" She slapped some of the bubbles in the sink with the spoon.

James turned away from me. I thought maybe I had imagined his tone and the look in his eyes, but his back seemed rigid and uninviting.

"Thank you." I lightly touched his back and leaned over and kissed the top of Scarlett's head.

Neither one of them acknowledged me.

I just knew I was a few seconds from bursting into tears and I didn't want to be seen. Tonight I wanted to disappear. I took a step back from the two most important people in my life. And I tried not to think about the fact that I wasn't sure either of them needed me anymore.

The pain was back in my chest. But it wasn't like the one I had felt moments before. This one mimicked the way I had felt in the last few pages of my manuscript. Like I had just lost everything. And I didn't understand the feeling. My family was right in the other room. So why did I feel so far away?

"You're hurting me," I whispered. I placed my hand on my stomach as I made my way up the stairs. It felt like the baby was doing a summersault in my belly. My hand gripped the railing tighter. It was like he was trying to tell me I should go into the family room and get the movie set up. But I just couldn't tonight. I didn't want Scarlett to see me cry. That was one thing I never wanted to do in front of my daughter. I wanted her to think I was strong. Even on the days where I felt weak.

I knelt down before I even reached the bed and let myself cry. Maybe it was the hormones. Maybe it was the feeling of not being needed. Maybe it was the rejection letter. Or maybe it was the fact that James had snapped at me when what I really needed was a hug. I had no idea. I just felt so defeated.

"Penny, we're starting the movie!" James called from downstairs.

I wanted my daughter to think that I was strong, but maybe that was a lie. Because right now I just needed James' arms around me. "James," I whispered. Ow. He could take away the pain. He'd know what to do. He always made me feel better.

"Penny?" he called again.

I waited for his footsteps on the stairs, but they didn't come. I lay down in the middle of the carpet. James didn't come to see if I was okay. He left me completely alone. I used to think he could feel when I needed him. He always just showed up. When had he stopped feeling my pain?

Scarlett's ecstatic giggle and James' deep laugh drifted into the room from downstairs.

It made everything hurt even more. How could he tell Mason about being worried about my health and then act this way? He could read me like the back of his hand. He knew I was about to cry downstairs. And he took my silence as me being upset with him. I need you, James.

This wasn't concern. This was something else. I closed my eyes tight. Were we falling apart?

***

The sun streaming across my face made me open my eyes. I wiped the drool off the side of my face as I slowly sat up. For a moment I was disoriented. But then I remembered falling asleep on the floor. I remembered the pain in my chest and my son fighting my poor decisions. I put my hand on my stomach. The pain was gone. But now my side ached from sleeping on the hard floor. Why hadn't James moved me? Why hadn't he asked if I was okay when he found me like this?

I turned to look at the bed. It was still made. I swallowed hard. James never came to bed? I pushed myself up off the floor. I would have started calling his name, but I didn't want to disturb Scarlett sleeping in the other room. God, where was he?

My heart felt like it was slamming against my ribcage. Had he left? I knew he was mad at me, but that was no reason to leave in the middle of the night. We hadn't even talked about what had happened. Why would he just leave? I went down the stairs as quickly as I could. Panic was starting to set in. There was always this thought in the back of my head. What if he started using again? Would I even be able to notice the signs? I grabbed my phone off the kitchen counter and clicked on his name in my contact list. I was just about to call him when I walked into the living room.

I froze when I saw them on the couch. Scarlett's head was nestled on James' lap. She had her arms wrapped around his hand like it was one of her stuffed animals. James' head was leaning against the back of the couch. He looked ridiculously uncomfortable, but he was sleeping peacefully.

All my worry and anger dissipated, replaced by this warm fuzzy feeling. I shouldn't have run off last night. I should have talked to him about the way his tone had upset me. But none of that really mattered. I knew he had snapped at me because he didn't want me doing dishes. He wanted me to be more closely following the doctors recommendations. How could I be mad at him for caring about my wellbeing?