The Light to My Darkness

8

"I'm sorry," I whispered and sat down in front of them on the couch. I rested my head against James' thigh.

He made a soft moaning noise, but didn't stir.

James was the most caring husband, the sweetest father, and the best friend I could possibly ask for. If he wanted me to take it easy, I'd take it easy. Why would I hide in my room in pain when my whole life was in this room? We weren't falling apart at all. Our relationship had changed, yes. But change was a good thing.

The problem was that I had never really been good at change. And soon our three would be four. James and I would have even less time together. I just needed to hold on to those moments in between. I needed to remember that our family was better when it wasn't just us. Sometimes the messiest moments were the most fun. I eyed the bowl of popcorn that had fallen on the floor. I smiled and closed my eyes. James would never slip. Scarlett and my smiles were enough to make him happy. And yours, baby boy. I placed my hand on my stomach. He's going to love your smile too.

Saturday

"Penny, what are you doing on the floor?" James whispered.

I smiled. His breath was warm in my ear. I loved the feeling of him being close, even though I knew he was just trying not to wake Scarlett. I slowly opened my eyes. James was sitting next to me on the ground, his back against the sofa. Concern was etched on his face.

"You never came to bed," I said quietly.

He gestured toward Scarlett sleeping peacefully behind us. "We fell asleep watching the movie. Here, let me help you up." He put his hand out for me and pulled me to my feet.

My back was stiff and my side was still sore from lying on the carpet for most of the night. But I hid my grimace. Today was a new day. And today, I didn't want there to be any hostility between us. I was going to start taking things a little more slowly like he wanted. If getting the cold shoulder last night was his plan for making me behave, it had certainly worked.

I looked down at Scarlett. She had grabbed a pillow and was hugging it where James' hand had been a few minutes ago. She really was the most adorable little girl. I looked back up at James. He was staring at me, like he was waiting for me to say something. He was probably waiting for me to apologize. But before I could say anything, he grabbed my hand and led me out of the room.

I hoped that didn't mean he wanted to argue with me. Heated words would surely awaken Scarlett no matter where we were in the house. That was the problem with open floor plans. I studied James as he pulled me into the kitchen. His posture didn't seem stiff and uninviting anymore. It was possible sleeping in an awkward position on the couch made it hard for him to look angry, though.

"James, before you say anything, I just want you to know that I'm sorry about last night. But I thought when you took Scarlett to wash up that it meant I needed to clear the dishes. And it got me thinking about when I was pregnant with her and you barely let me lift a pillow, let alone do any cleaning. After the doctor told us about my heart murmur, I thought you'd be even more concerned. But honestly, it seems like you don't care." I was trying to fix the problem, but apparently my mouth just wanted to make it worse. "We barely even talked about it. We just agreed that we'd keep it between us and that I'd start taking it easy after Bee and Mason's wedding. That was it. You never asked if I was okay. Or if I was scared." I felt my lip trembling. "And then I had to find out from Bee that you told Mason and who knows who else. Which was embarrassing for me. I really didn't want anyone else to know about my health problems. I don't want anyone worrying about me, especially when it seems like the person I'm closest to doesn't even care." I wanted to poke him in the middle of the chest but I didn't want to make him any angrier. Instead, I placed my hand on the counter to steady myself. "It doesn't even seem like Scarlett needs me anymore. She only ever wants you." I started to cry big, ugly tears. "And, God, James, I'm not okay. I'm so scared." I put my hand over my mouth, effectively silencing myself from the words that wouldn't seem to stop.

He immediately wrapped his arms around me and didn't say a word.

"Say something," I sobbed into his chest.

He ran his hand up and down my back.

"Say anything, James."

"I don't want you to give Scarlett a bath because I don't want you to strain when you pick her up to put her into the tub. And I don't want you doing dishes or lifting pillows."

My laugh was muffled by his shirt.

"And I didn't want to talk to you about any of this because I didn't want you to worry about me being worried. I was trying to be strong for you. But I'm scared too. Does that help? I'm terrified every day that the baby I put inside of you is going to kill you."

Those were the words that I needed to hear. They were morbid. And horrible. I swallowed hard. But that was the truth I needed to hear.

"And I'm mad at you for not following Dr. Nelson's advice. He didn't say to start bed rest in a week. He said now, Penny."

I leaned back and put my hands on either side of his face. "And Dr. Nelson also said that he didn't necessarily mean I needed to lie in bed all day. He said to take it slow. Relax. No stress." I stared into his eyes.