The Light to My Darkness

28

I swallowed hard. The way he said it was as condescending as it was sexy. But I was way more focused on the condescending aspect of his statement. "Yes we are. I'll be sitting down in the car. And sitting on the beach. It's practically bed rest."

"I already called them and told them we couldn't come. This discussion is over."

Like hell it is. "You canceled without asking me?"

"The doctor said..."

"James, I'm Bee's matron of honor! I have to be there." Why was he acting like this?

"And you're my wife. What's more important to you?"

How could he even ask me that? I swallowed down the lump in my throat. "So that's it? You want me to sit around for two months while you fly off to God knows where and abandon me?"

He shook his head. "Jesus, Penny. I'll be gone for two days. Three tops. Why do you insist on pushing yourself? Why can't you just stay still for once?"

Suddenly it felt like the weight of the world had fallen on my shoulders. Honestly, I wasn't upset about his tone. I knew he was doing it because he cared. I wasn't even upset that he had made the decision not to go without asking me. It was so much deeper than that. I blinked away my tears. "Because what if this is it, James?" My voice cracked. "What if I go into labor and the stress on my heart is too much and I die on that table?" I voiced my fears and hearing them out loud was so much worse than thinking about them in my head.

He took a step toward me, but I held up my hand.

"What if these are my last two months? Time doesn't stand still just because I have to."

"Baby."

"And I'm so scared about what'll happen once I'm gone. Everyone will forget about me. Scarlett won't even remember me, she's too young. All I have is a stupid book that no one wants to f*****g read. That's my legacy."

"Nothing is going to happen to you."

"But what if it does?" I wiped my tears away with my hands. "You have to promise me you'll keep living. Promise me you'll keep your heart open."

"No." He said it so matter-of-factly, I could have thought he was responding to a simple question about if he wanted Chinese food for dinner.

"James." God, he was so exasperating. "Just promise me."

He ignored my outstretched hand and pulled me into his arms. "No. I will never fall for someone new. You're it for me, Penny. You're everything. My heart will stop beating the second that yours does."

"That's very romantic, but what about Scarlett? What about this baby? They'll be relying on you. You have a family that needs you."

He shook his head.

"Promise me, James."

"I'm not going to make you a promise that I can't keep. I don't know how to live without you. So you're just going to have to keep living, baby. And that means no trip to the beach. It's not worth risking your health."

"Fine. I'll agree to no bachelorette party. But you have to agree to my request too. Your heart will in fact keep beating once mine stops." I put my hand on the center of his chest. "And I'm asking you to please be willing to keep it open to love. Our kids will need you to smile and laugh and maybe, just maybe, find someone to share all that joy with."

"No."

"James!" For some reason his stubbornness made me start laughing. "Do you think I want to imagine you with another woman? The thought makes me feel sick to my stomach."

"Good, me too."

"You have to promise me." Now that I was smiling, I wasn't sure he was talking me seriously at all.

"Absolutely not." He was smiling now too.

"God, what am I going to do with you?" I ran my fingers down the collar of his dress shirt.

He tilted his head down and ran the tip of his nose down the length of mine. "Does that mean we can stay here tomorrow?"

Now he's asking. "You didn't agree to my demands."

"Demands?" He cupped the side of my face in his hand. "Surely you can think of better demands than that."

I laughed.

"That one sound." He closed his eyes. "How can a sound be my favorite thing in the world?"

"I love you, James."

He opened his eyes again. "You're unforgettable, Penny. To me. To our daughter. To our family and friends. Nothing is going to happen to you. But don't you ever think that if it did, we'd forget you."

I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him. I understood why he couldn't promise me he'd move on. I could still remember the feeling in my soul when I thought I was going to lose him. That was it. My heart would have stopped beating when his did. I truly believed that it was possible to meet someone so perfect for you that you could no longer exist without them. James was my heart. My soul. My everything.

Thursday

A light knocking on our bedroom door made me yawn. "James," I said and nudged him. "Who's at the door?"

"What?" he grumbled.

"James," Ellen said and knocked on the door again. "I hate to disturb you, but your brother is downstairs asking for you."

James groaned and looked at the clock on his nightstand. "It's 5 o'clock in the morning. Why is Rob here so early?"

"Do you think something is wrong?" I was about to sit up when James put his hand on top of my massive stomach.

"I got it. He probably just wants to say goodbye before they head down to the beach. I'll go tell him to go away."

I laughed and rolled onto my side in search of a cool spot on my pillow. I was just drifting back to sleep when I heard James clear his throat.

"So, bad news," he said. "My dad came down with some kind of bug. And..."

"Aunt Penny!" Sophie yelled and pulled on my hand that was hanging off of the bed.

I opened up my eyes. "Hi, sweetie. What are you doing here?" I tapped the tip of her nose with my index finger.

"My daddy said I get to spend all day and night here."

"And we're going to go spend that time downstairs," James said and swooped Sophie up into his arms. "And we're going to be quiet so we don't wake anyone who's sleeping. Right, Soph?"

Sophie giggled. It didn't look like she had any interest in listening to what he said.

"Is your dad okay?" I asked as I pushed myself into a seated position. I yawned again. It had been awhile since I had woken up this early.

"He'll be fine. Keep sleeping, baby, I've got this."

I watched him walk out of the room with Sophie. I was still tired. Plus, Ellen was already here to help. I lay back down and closed my eyes.

***