Nickels

The hole

The holeunder the bed gets deeper n deeper I (crazy girl) digs a hole for the bones the chewed off white ham hock bone n my dog’s bones dead last year n mother’s bones she leaves around the house dying in the kitchen of fat skin white knuckle bones on the door yelling at me

I dig n dig n dig some more I going to dig to China become a China girl I dig and dig some more n then I (crazy girl) take a break from digging n I glue the white bones along the sides of the hole like the gold fuzzy crown wallpaper mom glued to the hall I make some pictures out of bone n dirt n glue to make up for the art I didn’t do when spider leg lady ran up my back the art teacher would like the bones lined up on the walls like the drawings the other kids do that get put in the glass cases outside the principal’s office

mad dad says: you are nothing

I say: I make my own bone art in a hole under my bed

I pull off my arm bone n put it in the hole for safekeeping keep me alive then I dig some more with my one arm n a pointy sharp shovel mad dad bought at Fleet Farm n left in the garage standing crooked in the corner

Yoo hoo crazy girl China Doll Girl yells n then she jumps on the bed n then she jumps into the hole n then she sits on my shoulder China Doll Girl says Crazy girl dig hole to China with sharp shovel n she swings her legs n she whispers in my ear crazy girl dig hole to China with sharp shovel I keep digging n then China Doll Girl says I want to go to homeland so I say No I don’t want to dig to China n she says Why not n I say I need a hole to bury the bones in the ground where mad dad can’t break them China Doll Girl says Ha n then she thinks about it n then she says okay crazy girl you dig a hole for your bones n so I dig a hole under my bed in the dark where no one can see

I (crazy girl) digs I digs for a long time until plink! my pointy sharp shovel won’t dig any more I sit down in the hole n look up n see China Doll Girl’s pointy oatmeal hat sticking over the hole n her squinty eyes looking at me she says Hi you crazy girl China Doll Girl go to sleep now n she stands up n bumps her head on the board on the bottom of my bed Ow she says and crawls away

Plink! one armed crazy girl dug to the bottom and hit a rock plunk! her friend China Doll Girl hit her head on the bed plink plunk skink skunk crazy girl makes art under her bed

plink plunk pink punk crazy girl (me) hits a rock n sits down tired n sweaty n brushes the dirt off the rock bottom n finds a handle to a door carved in the rock crazy girl sets the shovel down pointy side first n pulls on the door handle round n slippery like the front door to mad dad’s house I (crazy girl) yank on the door yank yank until it creaks open like a door on Halloween I swing it all the way open n set it in the dirt n clean my hands off on my pants I kneel down n see people singing round a table Hey hey ho ho drink up it’s time to go n then a man stands up n says Lads we have a visitor

all the people look at me n it’s hotter than when the winter heat blows out the vent n then the man comes up to my door n he has a pointy beard n a tail long as a monkey’s Hello he says n toasts me with his cup I say Hello then he holds his cup up for me to drink I shake my head no n he says ssssshhhh like a snake the devil man’s face is right up against mine

devil man smiles n I see his horns pointy and sharp as the shovel from Fleet Farm n I see his teeth pointy and sharp as mad dad’s n he grows a snout like my dead dog’s n he laughs ha ha ha ha like a cartoon so I slam the creaky Halloween door on his head crunch n I hear him say ouch n damn her n so I pile the dirt on top of the door n I close the door slam it with the handle round n slippery the same handle on the front door to my house what’s mad dad devil man doing in my dreams

I(crazy girl) hear water run in a sink I blink at the bumpy chicken skin ceiling n I blink at my arms both there n I blink at China doll on my shelf her squinty eyes staring empty at the wall the water turns off the shadow from mom’s feet moving under the door mom’s hands in the hall closet sound like a rabbit thumping in a cage the closet door squeals shut I (crazy girl) let my rock body lie in the crusty sheets until I bury everything in my mind the hole beneath my bed. buried

then I (crazy girl) get up

I get out of bed pull my Holly Hobby bedspread over the crusty sheets n pile my stuffed animals over the pillow cover it all up make mom forget to do laundry one two three a floppy red dog a bear in a hat a pink pig with a blue ribbon stuck to its side a creepy crawly spider marches up my back knock knock it says

I stop n listen mom’s in the kitchen n I listen some more but I only hear air with bacon sizzling in it mad dad is hiding from me (crazy girl) quiet as a mouse I need to know where he is so I can be somewhere else the bacon grizzles n I walk quiet across the carpet n pull up my shade n there’s mad dad walking across the yard moving his lips the way he does talking to himself I spy on him from my window he walks to the tree n looks up it he walks to the sprinkler n picks up the hose n drags it across the yard a big snake the biggest snake in the world swishing in the grass he drops the sprinkler in the rocks under my window mad dad walks to the garbage cans n drags them up the driveway the metal scraping teeth grinding together loud noise wakes up half the neighborhood Not everyone wants to get up at seven on a Saturday is what mom says

Little Miss So And So time for breakfast mom yells from downstairs n I run to change my underwear crusty from badness change my clothes so mad dad can’t see nothing more about me

Run Little Miss So And So crazy girl China Doll Girl run to the dresser put on jeans and a shirt and new underwear

Run Little Miss So And So to the closet

stuff your old underwear into the toe of a shoe so mom won’t find them forget it bury it stash it hide it run little girl run outsmart your mad dad

mad dad sits at the table eating bacon hot and drippy from the pan I (crazy girl) sit across from him my head down eat toast n a poached egg n grapes in sour cream a special treat people in Paris eat mom says she got the recipe in a magazine at work a section on special treats mom eats her grapes mad dad says nothing neither do I where is Paris

I like the food n I forget last night being scared n dying n I swing my legs under the table n I like the Paris sour cream grapes n I look up at the clock on the wall n I lift my toast up in the air above my head n then I crunch down on it crunch! I take a big bite n I chew n I swallow n I take another big bite n whack a board hits my face the table tips orange juice sprays on me crazy girl Little Miss So And So China Doll Girl all rolled up in one a eggroll floured n fried n served with orange sauce like mom made once out of one of her magazines whack we all fall down

Learn some table manners mad dad says takes his board hand away through the door n I lay on the floor in a puddle of orange juice n mom says You don’t have to be so harsh n she throws a fork at the door where he left n we hold our breath but mad dad doesn’t come back Go get cleaned up mom says and lifts me to my feet n a mower starts up in the garage vroom vroom mad dad is mowing the garage my face stings bees

Mad dadspits at the grass bends over scratches his knee drives his mower into a tree I (crazy girl) watch him from my crazy bedroom window

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Jack and Jillwent up the hill to fetch a pail of water mom reads to me snaps her fingers to the words something is wrong with my mom something is wrong with my mom! help! something is wrong with my mom! but no one comes and mom says Jack fell down hit his crown and Jill came tumbling after do you hear the rhthym she says you can tap it out on your leg and she does Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jack fell down hit his crown and Jill came tumbling after mom laughs laughs laughs hits her leg with her hand laughs laughs laughs her shiny ring someone help my mom doesn’t even know I’m here she stares at the white white pages red blue and green pictures of Jack and Jill falling down down down Mom why does he have a crown I say was he a king Jack and Jill she whispers to herself Mom was he a king I say Shhh she puts her hand over my mouth no more questions Jill came tumbling after and she stares at the drawing of the girl and boy falling down a brown hill with sprouts of grass Jack and Jill she says taps on her leg stares across the room at the blank wall her shiny ring

Staywhere I can see you mom says she’s reading her book her back against the picnic table the swing sets full of kids screaming I go away from them find a dirt trail wide as my tennis shoes follow it one shoe in front of the other one two three four crunch crunch crunch over the sticks n stones break my bones there’s a river! a river! I stop listen with my ears my big big ears until I can’t hear the kids or the cars or the grown ups talking until all I hear is the water over the rocks until all I hear is Someday everything will be all right someday everything will be all right