Andy's Nightmare

4. A New Town

This baby was a constant reminder of what had been taken from her. She had lost her virginity, her innocence and her life as she knew it. She resented him for that and, although she knew it wasn’t the baby’s fault, she couldn’t bring herself to care for it. She didn’t hate the baby. It wasn’t his or her fault, but she couldn’t bring herself to even think of keeping it as a constant reminder. She was hoping that this couple could love it unconditionally, because she didn’t feel that she could. He or she deserved a family that wouldn’t have the memory of what happened.

They only knew that the father was no longer in the picture. She wasn’t sure how much to disclose concerning the assault. Would they look at her baby any differently? Would they decide that they didn’t want the child of a r****t? Would it even make a difference since they had tried for years to conceive only to find out that she had to have a hysterectomy in her early twenties? She would decide that after meeting them. She just knew that she was very thankful that they had agreed to take on all expenses concerning her temporary move for the next 6 months, if she agreed to let them adopt the baby.

She wished she didn't have to let her r****t know about the baby. She felt that he had no rights to this child. But the lawyer told her that his rights were terminated because of the assault being the reason Andy was even pregnant.

But will she tell Kim & Kyle who the father is? Would they want the child if they knew how he or she was conceived? Would they even care since they wanted a child so bad? So many questions ran through her mind. Maybe she would bring up the topic in a different way to gauge their reaction.

Maybe she could use the article she was writing to broach the topic.

She thought it would be therapy to start writing again.

Working the hours she did at the store, she never had time to herself to think. Now she had all the time in the world. But it seemed that everything was so dark now when she tried to write. Was talent enough? It also took concentration and effort. There was a time when the words came to her so easily, but not lately. She had to fight to just write a paragraph or short poem, and then when she read them over she hated them.

Would her poems ever see the light of day or be something she would even want published? Would anyone want to publish them? They came from a dark period in her life, and it was her way of getting her feelings down on paper. Her therapist said it was a good idea to write them, even if they were never seen by anyone else.

Would she feel up to writing in the new location, or would her thoughts still be dark and depressing? Maybe she could start painting again. She’d gone to school for journalism and management, but then she experimented with painting and loved it. Maybe it would work here in a new city to get her mind off of things. At home, she couldn’t find anything lately that she even wanted to paint.

When she was in school or at home, she learned to take photos that she could eventually paint from so that she wouldn't have to carry her painting supplies everywhere she went. She would go to the lake and take pictures of the skyline either with boats in the distance or when the water looked almost like glass or rocky waves after a storm. Sometimes she would go to the park and take pictures of the kids playing on the playground.

She loved art and was told she had a natural talent, but hadn’t wanted to go outside much since the attack. She was afraid someone would follow her home. She used to like to dress nicely, but after the attack she didn’t want to draw attention to herself, so she started wearing loose, baggy clothing that hid her body, hoping that she wouldn’t bring attention to herself. Sometimes she would dress more like a man thinking that would also be a deterrent.

If she changed her mind about the adoption and kept the baby, she was sure that most guys would think that she was easy since she was single with a baby and try to take advantage of her. She didn’t want that kind of reputation. She was able to keep her virtue intact until this man took it from her. Would she ever be able to forgive him for what he’d done? It was almost 6 months ago, and she still froze when a tree branch created shadows in her room or scraped against the roof or a window.

She didn’t even pay attention to the scenery as she drove. She didn’t notice when she got close to cities except that the traffic got heavier, and she had to slow down. She just wanted to get away from where she was, and wanted a new beginning.

What would people think of her though? A single woman, pregnant with no husband. She knew she was a little old-fashioned, but people still looked down on unwed mothers.

She thought about that word, ‘mother’. Something that she wouldn’t be to her firstborn child. Would she be able to have other children after this one? How would she feel if this was the only child she could give birth to? Her mother made some good arguments, but could she love the child of the man who r***d her? Would she have problems giving up the child that she could feel moving around and growing inside her? Right now, all she knew was that it was a constant reminder of what happened.

Andy was so lost in thought that she almost missed her exit. If it weren’t for the GPS talking to her, she would have just kept driving. It was time to focus on where she was going now so that she could find the hotel and learn a little about the city. Coffee shops, diners, grocery stores, drug stores, local parks and even a laundry.

She chose this hotel because they had a restaurant inside which was open for breakfast and dinner, but the couple had made the final reservation for her.

She wasn’t sure how long she’d be at the hotel, and hated the thought of staying in a small room all the time she was here. She used to like being outside but didn’t feel safe after the r**e. She was hoping that a change of scenery would help bring her back to her old self, or would that ever happen? Would she ever feel safe again? She’d thought about taking self-defense classes but being pregnant isn’t a good time to start anything like that. After the r**e, she’d gotten some pepper spray, which she carried in her purse, but would she be able to use it if the need arose? Would it even help?

Andy checked into her room and got in touch with the couple that were interested in adopting the baby to let them know that she had gotten here safely. They made dinner plans for the following evening, so she decided to go out for a sandwich and stay in the room this evening. It had been a long drive, and she was tired and turned in early.

She woke up refreshed the next morning. She went in and showered. Washed her hair, in hopes that it would tame some of her unruly curls. She used to have long brown hair that was down to her waist. But after the r**e, she cut her long tresses, wanting to change her appearance. She didn’t want to look like that same girl she had been just a few short months ago in the mirror every day. Between cutting her hair and the hormones which now ruled her body, her hair was now a mess of unruly curls some days. Her hair had grown to below her shoulders, so it was long enough to pull back into a tight ponytail, which is what she did this morning.