Baby Daddy

Chapter Thirteen

My father always told us; A little prayer and forgiveness goes a long way.

And as I think about it I find myself sitting on the edge of my bed with my clasped hands shaking.

I take a deep breath and slowly, my nerves cool down.

Where do I start?

I feel a dull aching behind my eyes when I look at the ceiling trying not to cry, but I can only try so hard.

"God," I breathe. Two seconds in and this is starting to seem stupid. But why me?

Suddenly my heart feels like it's about to burst out of my chest and I flinch, pressing my eyes shut. I convince myself that it can't hurt to try.

But, what do I say? How do I start?

It's been a while.

My tongue is heavy in my mouth and I swear my jaw has been screwed shut.

Oh f**k this. Why am I even doing this? It's not like anything is going to change.

I'm barely up on my feet when Randall bursts into the room without knocking.

Instantly I'm taken back to Friday morning when I woke up to the sight of him standing by the window. But just as soon as I see it, I'm confronted by my guilt.

-by the events of that night. And I thought being pregnant would be the hardest part.

"How are you holding up?" He looks down, hands awkwardly buried in the pockets of his slacks.

My chest quakes and I find it harder to breathe every passing second. It feels as though someone has my lungs in a death grip. I can't stop shaking for more than two minutes.

Maybe if I get up.

Doing so, I take a step closer to Randall, biting on my nail as I cross an arm over my chest.

"Please tell me you got it." I look at him, hopeful and desperate. He inches towards me, leaving enough space for me to breathe.

His hazel eyes bore into mine and in the light I notice just how different they are; the left one being greener than the other.

Randall then reaches into his blazer and holds a little tube between his thump and index finger.

He shakes it and the pills rattle. "I hope you know that I don't support this."

I want to cry when he says that, I want to scream and throw around everything I can get my hands on, but I ground my jaw and reach for the bottle.

He pulls it away, holding it higher. Ah, I feel my frustration grow. I should kick him in the nuts.

An aching erupts in my head when I jump with my hand stretched out. f**k this.

"Randall, give me the bottle," I say sternly. He gives me an intimidating look that prompts me to be nicer. "Please."

I shy away from him in defeat when he doesn't quickly respond. I want to tell him that I'm hurting, everywhere; my skin is weak and crawling with little fire ants. Even worse, I feel empty. My stomach feels empty and flat.

Most of all, I don't want to be alone. I can't do this alone. I used have life growing in me, literally.

Maybe I'm not ready to be a mother. To be honest, I can't see myself taking care of a little child. Just the image alone crumbles with the baby wailing and falling out of my arms.

After a minute or two Randall runs a hand over his face, frustrated and mumbles, "Fine."

I take a deep breath, smiling as burning tears fall down my face. Fine, that's good.

I'm about to take them out of his hand when he grasps my hand, pulling me against him.

"Just one pill." He says softly, but the scrunch on his eyebrows hints on something else. "Everyday, as prescribed."

As if, I think to myself. I nod in agreement but he's not easily persuaded. Reluctantly, he lets me go with the rattling bottle in hand and turns on his heels, with a hand n his waist.

A little relief floods my body and I can't help but smile.

Randall brushes back his brown locks and puts a hand on his waist. At this point, I can hear the screws turn in his head. This baby -our baby; our marriage, this was his last hope.

His last hope to get his inheritance.

He seems to care more about this than I ever did about anything. But then again, I have never been passionate about anything for too long.

Oh, God forbid the next words I say, or anything I do.

Ah, where's my self respect? This is my chance to get as far away from this family as I can.

Fuck my life.

"We don't have to tell anyone," I say. Might as well jump out the window now.

"What?" He turns around, face contorted with confusion.

"I accept." I agree. "We don't have to tell anyone." Which part, I ask myself.

About the baby. I flinch just thinking about it.

Randall's eyes light up and I swear his posture changes too, but then his jaw ticks.

"I think you should get out of this while you can," he chuckles lightly.

But it only makes me want to be a part of it even more. Though, he doesn't have to know that.

I hold a finger up, search for my bag and rammage it for the pre-nup. I can't believe I'm doing this

"We'll act like nothing happened." I tell him, holding out the contract.

He raises an eyebrow before taking the papers. "And if anyone asks?"

I gulp, "We'll cross that bridge when we get there."

I'm embarassed by the red markings on the documents as he flips the pages. A few changes won't hurt anyone.

Amusement takes over his face, the corner of his thin pink lips curling up. He holds back a laugh, "And you'll move in with me?"

I thrust my chin up, intimidated by his height and already regretting this.

I want to snatch the papers from but he dodges before I even make a move.

"No, no. This is good," he says. "Kira, you're f*****g genius."

"Well I'm glad you find amusement in my loss." I shrug.

"I'm not doing this again." He frowns and shakes his head before leaving. Again, he says, and I'm the one who had a miscarriage.

When I'm left on my own, I stare at the bottle. I put it down a couple of times, pick it up again and fist it in my hand, contemplating.

Xanax, the label reads.

One pill, twice a day after meals, it says. I let out a shaky breath before taking two.

The next day I find myself following my parents to church.

I hardly feel anything thing as I doze off a few times during the service. My body feels heavy and somewhat numb, it's literal relief.

I can't even think of a reason to cry. Or why I felt empty in the first place. My body just wasn't ready to bring a baby into the world.

I see a lot of familiar faces at church. A part of me wants to go around and talk to everyone but the other same part of me hides away in every corner until I decide to take a long walk back home.

My mother's face is pale when she arrives, alone. She falls on the space next to me. She barely blinks her light brown eyes.

Then when she looks at me, she sighs, shaking her head.

"If there was anything wrong," she starts making me nervous with each word. "With you or your sister, you'll tell me."

It takes me a while to comprehend her words, realising that she's not asking.

I laugh and sit upright. "Where is this coming from?"

She smiles lightly, "I just want you girls to know that your father and I love you no matter what."

With that said, she leaves a kiss on my forehead and gets up.

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"I got the brains. You got the money. This is a race. Let's go fast honey"

Hello my good friends, it's been a while. A LONG while. I pray you forgive me for abandoning you.

However, don't be a ghost, leave a comment, like or something. It will be highly appreciated.

Thank you