Chasing waves

Better to try then not to

Watching the waves come and go is relaxing which is a understatement as it calms me down when I'm in the worse mood but I'm excited this time as my cousins and uncle are moving down here, even better they are moving next door, I miss them. It's been so long since I actually felt like a big family, my uncle was dads brother. He would come and visit us all the time and even come to my surfing competition when he could, I miss my parents, but my uncle was like a second dad to me. 

As much as I am grateful for my grandparents, I just missed my uncle and dad

"What you thinking about" Hayden says to me, I look at him and then back to the ocean not sure how to tell them that I just want my parents to come back.

"How much I miss my parents. Do you think they are proud of me" I respond to my cousin question as truthfully as I can because I know he will give me a honest answer 

"Charlotte of course they are proud" uncle says walking from behind me and taking a seat next to me on my other side watching the ocean

"Your dad would talk to me about how proud he was of you, he would send me photos and videos of you surfing" uncles says again putting his arm over my shoulders, I knew my dad recorded everything but I didn't know he sent them to my uncle 

"Will it ever get easier? A massive part of me feels like Its missing" I respond wiping the tear fall from my eyes as I think about the good times with my parents as they are still here

"There are ways to feel closer to your parents, it could fill the hole or bring you peace" my cousin says patting my knee, trying to comfort me as I think he's trying to tell me something

"Like what? Surfing. I haven't touched a surf board since they died, it was my fault they was killed, if I never went to nationals, they will still be here with us" I say with tears running down my face now, I can't hold them back. It feels like I'm the one who killed them as they was only driving because of me 

"Charlotte Anna-bell Lockhart" I hear and all three of us turn round to see my grandad stood with my mum sister sarah my auntie and her two children, and my mum brother Jason who taught me everything about surfing 

"It was never your fault they died, they are so proud of the women you become" my auntie Sarah says, I stand up and walk over to her 

"We are all proud of you, your grandad called us and told us what's been happening, from your nightmares to you not surfing, your parents would want you to carry on surfing, not for them but you, it made them happy to see you happy" my uncle Jason says holding his arms out for me to hug, I walk to him giving him a massive hug, I have missed the time I spent with the family 

"It's been two years, It's not the same without them here with me" I respond crying into my uncle Jason jumper getting tear Stains all over him but neither of us care at this point 

"Charlotte, we are all here, all of us. We might not be your parents but we are family" my cousin Stefan says to me who's the same age as me and Sarah's son 

"All of us Charlotte" I hear from behind my aunt Sarah, everyone moved out the way and I see my other grandparents and all my cousins stood round each other, it's been forever since we have all been together like this 

Wednesday

It's been two days since everyone has come which I am grateful for but I still haven't touched a surf board. I know im being selfish as I everyone has come to help me but I'm acting like I don't need help when I really do. I'm standing in the kitchen making breakfast, trying to do pancakes my mum used to do which I could never make them how she did but it's only 7am and everyone still in bed so no one sees my failed attempt. 

I'm flipping my pancake when I hear someone come in, they don't say anything, just get a glass on water, whoever it is, is up early 

"If you ever want help getting back on the board, I'll be happy to help" I hear an unfamiliar voice say, I turn round and see Darren, my cousin mate standing there watching me with a glass of water in his hand 

"Thank you, I might take you on that offer one day when I'm ready" i say back flipping my pancake on my plate and getting a glass of orange juice in case they don't taste nice 

"No time like the present, meet in by the ocean in 30 minutes" I hear him say before walking off before I could object, I'm not sure if I'm ready yet. I finish my breakfast and walk out to the backyard and see him already waiting for me, I'm still not sure if this is going to work, I'm hoping this bring me closer to my parents 

"My dad was a surfer, he passed few months ago. I stopped surfing but realised, surfing made me feel a lot closer to them. What you say? Give it ago" I hear him say not taking his eyes away from the ocean, I never knew his dad passed actually I don't know anything about him but apart of me is lucky he came as he knows what I'm feeling. 

"Baby steps though" I say back, I take a surf board and follow him out a little to where the waves are. I'm still not sure I'm ready. I made it out to the zone and I'm watching the waves, I take a small wave, but end up falling straight off and into the ocean face first, that hurts little but I get back up, not sure whether I want to carry on now.