Hating You Was My Full Time Job

CHAPTER 18: GRACE GETS SICK

*November 2028 - Grace is 15 Months. James is 4 Years.*

They tell you the first fever is the worst.

They don't tell you it's because

it's the first time you realize

you can't fix everything with a kiss and a band-aid.

You can't buy medicine that makes it go away instantly.

You can't take it from them and put it in yourself.

You can't be sick FOR them.

Today Grace got sick.

Today Adrian and I learned what real fear feels like.

Today our baby became fragile in our hands.

Today we became different parents.

*MONDAY - 2:00 AM - THE FIRST WAKE UP*

Grace was crying.

Not her normal cry. Not "I want milk" or "I want up".

This was weak. Whiny. Broken.

I bolted upright. Adrian was already sitting up.

"Did you hear that?" I whispered.

"Yeah," Adrian said. He was out of bed before I was.

Her room smelled like fever.

She was soaked. Hair damp. Onesie stuck to her.

Her cheeks were bright red.

I picked her up. She was HOT.

"Adrian," I said. My voice was shaking. "She's burning up."

Adrian was already at the changing table. "Thermometer. Now."

102.3

We looked at each other.

Adrian's face went blank. That CEO blank. The one he uses in board meetings.

"Okay," he said. "Okay. It's okay. We got this."

*2:15 AM - THE PANIC GOOGLE*

I know we shouldn't.

But I did.

"Fever 15 month old 102"

"When to go to ER toddler"

"Febrile seizure symptoms"

Adrian saw me. "Stop."

"I can't," I said. "I need to know."

Adrian took my phone. "We call the doctor. That's what we do."

*2:30 AM - THE CALL*

Adrian called the pediatrician's emergency line.

His voice was steady. Too steady.

"Hi. This is Adrian Blackwood. My daughter Grace is 15 months. Temperature 102.3. She's lethargic. Not drinking much."

"Give her infant Tylenol. Cool bath. Push fluids. Call me back in an hour if it doesn't come down, or if it goes over 103."

Adrian hung up. Exhaled.

"She's going to be okay," he said.

"I know," I said. But we both heard the lie in it.

*3:00 AM - THE BATH*

We stripped her down. Lukewarm water.

Grace cried the whole time. "Mama. Mama. Hurt."

I held her. Adrian poured water over her back with a cup.

"Baby, I know. I know. I'm so sorry."

She hated it. We hated it.

But her temp came down to 100.8

We dried her. New pajamas. Back to bed.

*3:30 AM - THE WATCH*

Every 15 minutes.

Adrian set an alarm on his phone.

Touch her forehead. Check her breathing.

Feel her chest rise and fall.

"She's okay," he'd whisper each time. "She's okay."

James woke up once. "What's wrong with Grace?"

"She's sick, buddy," Adrian said. "Go back to sleep. We'll tell you in the morning."

*4:00 AM - IT SPIKED AGAIN*

101.9

Back up.

Adrian gave her more Tylenol.

"Come on, princess," he whispered. "Fight it."

*5:00 AM - THE FIRST BREAKDOWN*

I was in the bathroom. Crying.

Adrian came in. "Hey."

"What if it's something bad?" I whispered. "What if it's more than a cold?"

Adrian pulled me to him. "It's not. It's a fever. Kids get them. She'll be okay."

"How do you know?"

"Because I can't lose her," Adrian said. His voice cracked. "So she has to be okay."

*6:00 AM - MORNING*

103.1

She was so sleepy. Too sleepy.

Wouldn't eat. Wouldn't drink.

Just whimpered. "Mama. Up."

Adrian was already dressed. Suit. Tie. Phone in hand.

"We're going to urgent care," he said.

"I'll call my mom for James," I said.

*7:00 AM - URGENT CARE*

Waiting room full of sick kids. Coughing. Crying.

James was with Adrian's mom already.

Grace on my lap. Limp. Hot. Heavy.

The nurse took her temp. 102.9

"Room 2," she said.

The doctor was young. Kind.

She looked in Grace's ears. Her throat. Listened to her lungs.

"Viral infection," she said. "Probably a bad cold. It'll run its course 3-5 days."

"She's so hot," I said. "And she won't drink."

"I know," the doctor said. "Tylenol or Motrin every 4-6 hours. Alternate them. Cool baths. Fluids. Popsicles. Call if it goes over 104, or if she won't drink for 8 hours, or if she gets worse."

Adrian asked 10 more questions.

The doctor answered all of them.

*8:00 AM - HOME*

Adrian carried her in. She was asleep on his shoulder.

We set up camp in the living room.

Blankets on the couch. Thermometer. Medicine. Water. Popsicles. Crackers.

Adrian's mom brought James home.

"Is she okay?" James asked, whispering.

"She's sick, buddy," Adrian said. "But she's going to be okay."

James climbed up and kissed Grace's head. "Feel better, Grace."

*DAY 1 - 9:00 AM TO 9:00 PM - THE LONGEST DAY*

Temp up. Temp down.

Tylenol. Motrin. Bath. Cuddles.

Grace slept on Adrian's chest for 6 hours straight.

Adrian didn't put her down once.

Not to eat. Not to use the bathroom.

"I'm fine," he said when I brought him food. "She needs me."

I took pictures. Not cute ones.

Proof ones. In case we needed to show the doctor.

Adrian saw me. "I hate that we have to do that."

"I know," I said.

*DAY 1 - 10:00 PM - THE SCARE*

Temp 104.

Adrian saw it and went white.

"We're going to the ER," he said. No question.

*ER - 11:00 PM*

They took us back immediately.

IV. Fluids. More Tylenol.

Adrian held her hand the whole time.

"Hey princess," he kept saying. "Dada's here. You're okay."

The ER doctor was older. Calm.

"Her vitals are good," he said. "The fever just needs to break. Viral. Nothing we can do but wait it out and keep her hydrated."

We stayed until 3 AM.

Temp down to 101.

Home.

*DAY 2 - TUESDAY - WORSE*

Grace wouldn't eat.

Wouldn't drink.

Just wanted to be held.

Adrian called in sick to work.

"I can't," he said to his assistant. "Not today. Family emergency."

I called in sick too.

We took shifts. 2 hours on, 2 hours off.

Sleeping on the couch next to her.

*DAY 2 - 3:00 PM - THE BREAK*

Grace looked at me. Eyes glassy. Lips cracked.

"Mama. Thirsty."

She took 3 sips of water from a syringe.

Then 2 more.

It was the best thing I'd seen all day.

Adrian recorded it.

*DAY 2 - 11:00 PM - ADRIAN'S BREAKING*

He was rocking her. She was asleep but fussy.

"I can't do this," he whispered.

"Yes you can," I said.

"No. What if I miss something? What if I don't notice she's worse?"

Adrian Blackwood. CEO. Billionaire.

Crying because he was scared for his baby girl.

I sat next to him. "We're doing everything right. The doctor said. She's stable."

Adrian nodded. "I just hate that she hurts and I can't take it."

*DAY 3 - WEDNESDAY - THE TURN*

She woke up at 7 AM.

Temp 99.

She looked at me and said "Mama. Pancakes?"

Adrian dropped the coffee mug.

"What did she say?"

"Pancakes," I laughed. "She wants pancakes."

Adrian cried.

Right there in the kitchen.

"I thought..." he started.

"I know," I said. "Me too."

*DAY 3 - 10:00 AM - THE DOCTOR CALL*

"She's improving," the doctor said. "Keep up the fluids. Bland foods. She should be back to normal in 2-3 days."

Adrian hung up and pulled me into a hug.

So tight I couldn't breathe.

"Thank god," he whispered. "Thank god."

*DAY 4 - THURSDAY - BETTER*

Grace was playing.

Weak. Tired. But playing.

She ate half a banana.

She said "Dada."

She said "More."

Adrian watched her like he didn't believe it was real.

*DAY 5 - FRIDAY - BACK TO NORMAL*

Running. Laughing.

Yelling "NO!" at James.

Asking for snacks.

Temp normal.

Adrian still checked her forehead 20 times a day.

*THE HARD PARTS:*

1. The waiting. The not knowing.

2. The helplessness. Watching her suffer.

3. Adrian not sleeping for 3 days.

4. James being scared. "Is Grace going to die, Mama?"

5. The ER at 3 AM.

*THE GOOD PARTS:*

1. "Mama" when she was sick.

2. Adrian carrying her for 48 hours straight.

3. The moment she asked for food.

4. James being so gentle. "Feel better, Grace."

5. The first time she laughed again.

*ADRIAN AT WORK AFTER:*

His assistant: "How's Grace?"

Adrian: "Better. She's better."

He said it like a prayer. Like he still couldn't believe it.

*ME AT HOME AFTER:*

I cleaned everything. Bleach. Everything.

Because if I could control germs, I would.

*JAMES' ROLE:*

He brought Grace his toys.

"She can have my dinosaur," he said.

"She's sick, but she's my sister."

He drew her a picture. "Get well soon."

*ADRIAN LAST NIGHT:*

Grace was asleep in her crib. Healthy.

Adrian was watching her on the monitor.

"Come to bed," I said.

"In a minute," he said.

He stayed for an hour. Just watching her breathe.

*ME LAST NIGHT:*

I couldn't sleep either.

I kept touching her forehead.

Still cool. Still okay.

*TODAY:*

Grace is fine.

Running around. Bossy. Loud.

Asking for snacks.

Perfect.

*THE TRUTH:*

You don't know fear until your baby is sick.

Until you realize how small they are.

How much you love them.

How much it would break you if something happened.

Adrian told me that night in the ER:

"I've been in boardrooms with millions on the line and I wasn't this scared."

"I know," I said. "Me neither."

*ADRIAN TO ME THIS MORNING:*

He kissed me while Grace ate breakfast.

"Thank you," he said.

"For what?"

"For staying up with me. For holding her. For being her mom. For not falling apart."

"I did fall apart," I said.

"Yeah," Adrian said. "But you put yourself back together for her."

*ME TO ADRIAN THIS MORNING:*

"Thank you for carrying her. For not leaving her. For being her dad. For being scared with me."

*GRACE TODAY:*

She's fine.

Bossy. Loud.

"Up dada! More snack! James play!"

Perfect.

*LAST THOUGHT:*

The fever broke.

But something in us didn't.

We're softer now.

More scared.

More grateful.

Because we almost lost the normal.

And we got it back.

James.

Grace.

Adrian.

Me.

Healthy.

Together.

And never taking it for granted again.

Not one single day.

END OF CHAPTER 18