The Missing Piece

Nature is an anti-depressant

I fell asleep while writing. I slept through the night, the first time in a long time. Upon waking up, I didn’t still feel exhausted. I forgot what it felt like to not feel exhausted. I decided to make breakfast for Emalin. We barely have groceries. I had almost let myself forget that I had been an awful parent for the last year and three months. We go out for a quick breakfast then shopped for some groceries. 

We get home just in time for Oliver to come over for Emalin’s lesson. He came inside the house. He seems astonished by what Emalin and I had accomplished since he was last there. He told us that today’s lesson was for the both of us. Confused, as always, I ask what we need to do. He said to put our shoes on and get in his truck. I’m weary at this point, but Emalin seems excited. 

We get in the truck and drive to a nearby walking trail near a river. He said today’s lesson is about appreciating nature, that bad things and good things happen all the time in nature but it’s still beautiful. He said sometimes the things that seem like the worst, actually has an even more stunning result. We walked for what seemed like an eternity. Emalin seemed as though this was the best thing to happen all year. She would run ahead, twirl, sing, and have all the feelings that a girl should feel. It was nice getting fresh air, and seeing the smile on my little girl’s face. 

I fell asleep on the way back home. Once we got there I told Emalin to go ahead inside to get a snack. I wanted to speak with Oliver for a minute. She obliged. "Oliver, I don't understand why you are doing this for us.." "Molly, I have always thought highly of you." Silenced, by the shock of that statement, I continued to listen. "I know we were never close. It wouldn't seem like it, but I liked you, a lot. I liked you when you were 7, and were wearing those rainbow glasses. I liked you when you were 12, and went to the skating rink every weekend. I liked you when you were 16, and I would see you smiling while Talking to Harper in the hallway. I liked you when you dated John, or anyone else. I couldn't stand to see you cry when they broke your heart. All I could think was that I would never do that to you. I never told you, obviously, because I was scared. You seemed amazing. I never thought I could compare to you." 

I was blind-sided. I never thought he could think of me in that way. This was all very sudden. This moment felt like it was lasting about as long as that hike. It wasn't, because there was a very uncomfortable moment of silence. "I understand that was too much to put on you. I'm sorry.. I don't know what came over me. I'll leave. Let me know if you want me to help Emalin out more." "OLIVER! Get back over here!" He jumped a little when I raised my voice. "Oliver, I am not sure exactly how to say this, but I'll try. I liked you, too. You're right, that was a lot to put on me. I am just now starting to come out of my sad routine, and some of that is thanks to you. Most of it is time, family, and friends. When you started this new thing with Emalin.. it made me change my routine. It made me think of the repercussions this had on her. I am so grateful you have done this for us. I do like you, Oliver. As you can see, I'm not the person you thought I was." He stood back, carefully considering my words and what he would say next. "Molly, you are even more amazing that the person I thought you were. Today I saw that smile again. It made my heart skip a beat. I understand that you don't think you are pulling through this with the grace you think you should have, but I know that you are strong. You haven't given up." 

The words "you haven't given up" rang through my ears. I haven't given up..  I have thought about it, but I also can't have my daughter go through that. She has been through enough. She can't lose her mother, too. I feel as though she already had lost me, but there is still life in me. I will fight to keep going.. if not for anyone else, for my daughter. 

Oliver stepped closer to me. He stroked my auburn hair, put his hand under my chin to lift it up, and he kissed me. I didn't push him away. I wanted this more than anything at the moment. To feel something, to feel someone. I never thought I would have feelings for anyone the way I had felt for Liam. Liam! I pull away from the kiss. "Oliver, I... this is moving a little fast for me. Why don't we start talking to each other more, to make sure this is something that we both want?" He leaned back a little. "I could handle that. I'm going to go for today. I will text you later."

Oliver got in his truck and left. I stand on my porch and watch him leave. I am overwhelmed by everything that just happened. I have to regain my composure before I go inside.