The Missing Piece

Is Change Good?

Monday I took Emalin to school. I walked her in like a normal day, except today I met a familiar face when going in the door. I guess you could call Oliver an acquaintance. We went to School together from Elementary through High School. I even dated a friend or two of his.. way back when. We never spent any time together though and in group settings we didn’t talk. I had a school girl crush on him in 4th grade, but I was a shy girl and didn’t talk that much to anyone. I had a best friend, Harper, she talked with me a good bit. 

When I saw Oliver today, he smiled at me. I figured it was just because he worked for the school and I was a parent of one of the children. Something else happened though, he bent down to speak with Emalin. "I would be more than happy to walk her to class, as I'm also walking that way." Emalin nodded her head at me as to say, “its ok.” I let her go. For the first time since she returned to school after the accident, I let her go. I don’t know if Oliver could see the fear in my eyes or if he just felt bad for me. He told me to wait where I was standing, and that he would be right back. I obliged. I don’t know if my agreement was one of shock, curiosity, or both. He came back out to talk with me. He said "I know what happened and have been looking out for Emalin as much as I can." I didn’t know how to respond. I thought that maybe he was going to tell me how much of a failure I was at being a parent. He continued, "I noticed that she seemed a little embarrassed by being walked to her classroom." I guess he saw the tears welling in my eyes, because he stuttered when he stared to speak again. "I would be more than happy to help me out. I can meet you inside everyday for the rest of the school year to walk her inside." I contemplated it, and agreed. 

I got into my car and called my mom, Lydia. I cried; she told me to calm down. When has telling someone to calm down ever worked? I expressed my concerns. I was confused, embarrassed, and on the verge of a panic attack. I didn’t know that I was embarrassing my child. I didn’t know that someone else was paying that close of attention to us. Why was he paying attention? What were his motives? Was he really just doing this to help Emalin? Was he trying to help me? Was he trying to see if I was fit to be a mother? My ultimate fear is losing my child. Only time would tell what was to become of this situation. I went home, did the bare minimum required to keep the house going, and I took a nap. My dreams were so vivid. I dreamt of all the ways this new situation could play out. It felt like a weight was crushing my chest. Waking up to my alarm, I realize that it was one of my dogs crushing my chest. I guess she thought she could be a weighted blanket for me. I realize that its already 2:40 and I need to go get Emalin from school. 

I get to the school and see her. She is waiting for me.. with Oliver. She gets in the car and tells me about her amazing day. I say "thank you," and drive away. Still confused about this whole new turn of events, I ask Emalin two dozen questions. She finally decides to stop talking and watch her tablet. It seems as though his intentions are pure. Does anyone have pure intentions anymore? I’m hoping he just wants to help out a student. Teacher do that, right? If I were a teacher I would try to help those who needed me. That has to be the reason. It’s already towards the end of the school year. This only has to go on for 2 more weeks. 

As the days go by, dropping Emalin off at school gets easier. I go home and take a shower. This is different from my normal routine, the one where I do the bare minimum, then sleep the day away. After my shower, I feel okay. Okay is an improvement on how I normally feel. I put away some clothes, do the dishes, and throw the ball for the dogs for a little bit. I ask my mom if she can pick Emalin up from school. All these “improvements” has made me exhausted. She picks her up, helps her with homework, and invites me to dinner. This is almost normal. I forget for a moment that I’m windowed at 32 years old. Is it alright to forget and live in bliss for a moment? Does this make me a bad person? Does moving on with my life involve not thinking about Liam 24/7? I get to my mom’s house, go inside where my daughter is painting something ceramic out if an art kit. She looks blissful and happy. She tells me that Oliver wants to speak with me tomorrow morning. It’s the last day of school so I guess that’s why. 

Morning rolls around, as it always does, usually too early for me. Emalin is ready for school. I have butterflies in my stomach. I have had anxiety since Emalin told me that Oliver wanted to talk to me. We go into the school. I actually don’t look like I just rolled out of bed, so there isn’t as many judgmental eyes  on me. Oliver walks with my daughter to her classroom, then comes back out to talk to me. '"Has this routine helped you out?" It has helped me, surprisingly. What surprised me more is that he asked if it has helped me and not Emalin. I guess he already knew it was helping her. I nod. He continues "I would like to see Emalin once a week during the summer. I want to make sure she is ready for the 3rd grade." I feel suspicious, but I also want this for Emalin. I don’t want her to fall behind or not be prepared because of my failures as a mother. I agree. "It doesn't really matter what day of the week," I replied.  "Alright then, I will look at my schedule to see what days work best, and will let you know when you come to pick Emalin up from school."

The day passes by, and I try not to think too much about this new arrangement. My anxiety doesn’t let me not think about it. It's all I think about until time to pick her up. I have my phone number and address scribbled on a piece of paper to give to Oliver. He finds me in the pick up line. He tells me "I can do Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday." "Any day is fine with me. Im not working, and don't have any vacations planned." "Okay I will call you to set something up for Emalin."