Moments

Chapter Four: Xael

  Jason didn’t respond. I didn’t blame him; how would you respond if someone said what I did?

“What do you think Alleata’s gonna ask me to wear?” I ask, desperate to change the subject. Jason shrugs, pulling his blanket off of his body.

“She just made a new dress,” Jason answers. “If I had to guess, she’ll probably ask you to wear that. She hasn’t seen anyone wear it yet besides a mannequin.”

“What’s the dress like?”

Jason shakes his head, quickly checking his phone. “She doesn’t like telling people what her clothes look like ahead of time. Other people would try to use that information and steal it.”

“That’s fair.”

We fall into an awkward silence, neither of us sure what we should say.

“Astrapophobia,” Jason says suddenly. I nod, looking at the weighted blanket. “It’s the fear of thunder and lightning.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, how long?”

Jason shrugs, looking around the room. “About eight years, I guess. I can’t quite remember why I have it, but I have it.” 

“You don’t remember?” I sit up a little straighter. “At all?”

“I don’t remember anything, no,” Jason replies. “But I feel like I do. You know when there’s a word that you can’t remember, but it’s on the tip of your tongue? That’s how it is. It’s right there. I can feel it, but I can’t- I can’t see it. And it frustrates the hell out of me.”

“And you haven’t tried to remember?”

Jason lets out a bitter laugh. “Have I tried? Of f*****g course I have. I just- I can’t remember. No one’s been able to help me remember. I had a therapist for a while, and then Dad decided that he didn’t need his son going to a crackpot and pulled me out of therapy.” Jason scoots back and leans against the wall, looking up at the ceiling. “The funny thing is, I was getting better. I could deal with thunderstorms for a longer duration without getting an attack. Now, it’s the first c***k or first strike that gives me an attack. I got worse. It wasn’t this bad when I first got it.”

“What if you asked your mom to take you to a therapist without telling your dad?”

Jason opens his mouth to say something, then closes it and blinks a few times.

“I could probably do that,” he murmurs. “Dad never pays attention to me anyways. He won’t notice if I’m missing once or twice a week.”

“That- that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship."

"It isn't, but there's nothing I can do about it. That's how our relationship has always been." Jason closes his eyes and a ghost of a smile appears on his face. "It won't change. It'll be like this until the day one of us dies.”

“I know we just met today, but I think you should talk to your dad about this.” I lean forward and rest my arms on my legs, my fingers laced together. “Not your phobia, but your relationship.”

“Who’re you to tell me what I should do?” Jason spits, leaning forward and glaring into my eyes. “Like you said, we just met today. We’re not friends.”

What’s with the sudden attitude flip?

“Jason, I’m not trying to control your life, I’m just suggesting-”

“f**k off.”

I stand up and brush my hair behind my ear, turning as I do.

“See you around, Jason,” I say, walking out of the room. I manage to take three steps before breaking into a sprint.

This is what happens when you trust people. They only let you down.

“Woah, Xael!” Two hands grab my shoulders, preventing me from running into the person. “Where’s the fire, girl?”

“Sorry,” I whisper, looking down at the ground, knowing that Jonny’ll be able to see right through any lie I try to tell.

“Weren’t you with Jason?” Jonny asks. I nod, and he pats my shoulders before letting go of me. “Sophie’s upstairs. Want to go hang out with her?”

“Actually, where’s Lukas?” My voice cracks when I say Lukas’ name, and I mentally curse myself.

“Lukas is still manning the gate.” Jonny tilts my head up, and I nearly start crying as we make eye contact. “Should I call him? Or should I call Sarah?”

“Thanks, Jonny, but I want to go speak with Lukas about something.”

Jonny takes a step back silently. I jog around him then up a set of stairs, biting my lower lip to try and keep myself from crying.

“Lukas!” I call, stopping in front of a cherry wood door and knocking once. When he doesn’t answer right away, my mind reels and I think over what I’m doing. “Actually, I’m okay. Sorry to interrupt you at work.”

“Stop right there young lady!” Lukas’ booming voice makes me jump. I look up at Lukas and watch his grin fall away from his face as he steps rapidly towards me. “What happened?”

Tears threaten to spill from my eyes as Lukas’ arms slide around my shoulders, holding me against his chest.

“I don’t know,” I murmur, my hands in fists at my sides. “I don’t know.”

Lukas lets go of me and opens the door to where the gate control is, then presses a hand against the small of my back and ushers me inside. 

“You were with Jason, right?” Lukas asks. I nod, looking down at the floor.

“I’m sorry about this,” I whisper, rubbing my eyes. “If you don’t mind, I’ll be on my way now.”

“You aren’t leaving this room until you’re not about to cry,” Lukas orders. “Take a seat, hon.”

“You’re at work right now,” I state, letting my stubbornness take over. “You should be doing your job, not cheering me up. I’ll be fine.”

“Xael-”

“I promise I’ll be fine.” I look up into Lukas’ eyes, blinking away my tears.

“Sophie’s chilling in the staff break room.” Lukas sits down in his rolling chair and spins around slowly, staring up at the ceiling. “Why don’t you go talk with her?”

I nod, even though I have no intention on going to Sophie.

“I’ll see you at dinner,” I say, turning and walking out of the room. Once I hear the door close behind me I’m off like a bullet, up two flights off stairs while pulling a pen out of my pocket.

I won’t do it. I’m not going to stoop that low.

I open the door to a random room and Jason whips his head up to look at me, a razor in between his fingers. Without thinking I’m across the room and the razor blade is on the floor in the opposite corner.

“This is why you made me leave,” I say, grabbing a random piece of cloth from the shelf behind Jason’s head and pressing it against his shoulder. Jason nods, looking towards the door. “Why do you do this to yourself?”

Jason shrugs, pressing his lips together into a thin white line.

“Not in the mood for talking. Got it. Hold this against your shoulder.”

Jason reaches a hand up and presses it against the cloth as I retract my hand, already scanning the room for hiding places.

“Where are your other razor blades?” I demand, looking directly at Jason. He looks at me and shrugs. “I don’t give a s**t how untalkative you feel right now, you’re gonna tell me where they are.”

Jason’s eyes dart from me to a space behind me, then back to me. I grin triumphantly before turning around and walking over to a shelf that contains some boxes and some pieces of rolled up cloth.

“Which shelf are they on?” I muse. He doesn’t want anyone to find them, so they aren’t on a shelf at eye level. That knocks out these three, which leaves the top one and the bottom one. People are more likely to put things they need to use often towards the bottom, which means that they’re somewhere up top.

“You’re not gonna find them.” Jason’s voice is hoarse. I look over at him only to see that the cloth is discarded on the ground, blood dripping down his arm. 

“I will though.” I turn around and drag a wood box over to the shelf, stepping on it once it’s close enough. “They’re either in these two boxes or in this piece of cloth.”

“They’re not in the cloth or the boxes.”

I grab the cloth and unwrap it, satisfied when four razor blades drop onto the shelf.

“Never gonna find them,” I mutter, wrapping the blades back up and tucking them into my pocket. “Simple psychology tricks. This is what you learn when you have no friends and no social life.”

“Give them back.” My back is pressed against the wall and Jason’s body is dangerously close to mine. His eyes bore into mine and my breathing hitches.

“You don’t get them back!” I spit, putting a hand on his chest and pushing him away from me, silently catching my breath. “You don’t get them back, Jason. I either keep them, or you take them back and I’m telling Lukas, Cray, Jonny, and Sarah.”

“You wouldn’t dare-”

“Try me!”

We glare into each other’s eyes in silence. Jason seems to ponder my words before stepping back and nodding.

“We’re going to Sarah’s office though,” I state, marching past Jason and opening the door.

“You said that you wouldn’t tell-”

“I’m not going to tell her, we’re going to dress your wounds.”

Jason grumbles something that I don’t catch before rolling down his shirt sleeve and walking out of the room, his uninjured shoulder just barely clipping the edge of mine.

“How long?” I ask, walking faster than I’m used to in order to keep up with Jason. 

“A while,” Jason answers. I roll my eyes and cross my arms.

“Very specific,” I grumble. “Where else?”

“Nowhere. Just my shoulder.”

“Now that’s a lie and we both know it.” Jason picks up his pace, forcing me to do the same. “Thighs? Ankles? Stomach?”

“Just drop it, Xael,” Jason snaps, turning to me and grabbing my shoulder. “Stop. Talking.”

I close my mouth and glare at him. He turns and walks away, satisfied.

“So there are cuts on your stomach.”

“No, there aren’t,” Jason growls. “Didn’t I tell you to shut up?”

“You did.” I catch up to him quickly, lacing my hands together behind my head. “Doesn’t mean I’m gonna listen.”

“I don’t like you.”

“People usually don’t.”

“You’re such a lovely person to be around, you know that?”

“Thank you for the compliment!”

“Wasn’t a compliment.”

“And I still took it as one so suck it.”

Jason looks away from me and I worry that I made him super angry, and then I see his shoulders shaking slightly. He’s laughing. Despite what just happened, I made him laugh.

Maybe I am funny after all.

“Why did you come upstairs?” Jason asks, startling me.

“I needed to step away for a moment so I could draw,” I admit. Jason looks at me, which seems dangerous as we’re currently going down stairs. 

“Draw?”

“Instead of harming myself, I draw something on me,” I explain, pulling my pen out. “I’ll draw something that would be a cool tattoo, or I’ll write a quote and make it all pretty-like. The red pen makes it seem like-”

“You’ve cut yourself, but you don’t leave any permanent scars and you can wash it off if it’s in a less covered spot.”

“Exactly!” I snap my fingers and point a finger g*n at Jason, happy he understands my thought process. 

“Do you have a spare pen?” Jason looks away from me and rubs the back of his neck, and I smile softly.

“Take this one.” I offer my pen towards Jason, who looks at me instead of grabbing it.

“Are you sure?”

I nod, then slip the pen into his pocket. He immediately takes it back out and slips it into the other pocket.

“There’s a hole in this one,” he explains, turning the pocket inside out and showing me. “Didn’t want it to fall out.”

“And we’re here!” I exclaim. I open the door to Sarah’s office, knowing that she’s currently chatting with Sophie because the two are basically best friends. “Take a seat in any chair, I’ll address your shoulder once I get all the stuff out.”

“If you can find it,” Jason states, watching me open a cabinet and immediately close it.

“How does this woman work like this?” I mumble, horrified by how unorganized Sarah is. Jason laughs, the melodic sound unlike anything I’ve ever heard before. “Once we’re finished with you I’m fixing this.”

“I think she has a system?”

“If her system is grab something out of somewhere and then put it back in a spot eight feet, then yes she has a system!”

“Xael.” Jason puts a hand on my shoulder, and I sigh. “Chill. It isn’t nearly as bad as it seems.”

“You’re right,” I agree. I open another cupboard, and then immediately understand that we were both wrong. “It’s worse. Why is it worse? How? Woman, how do you work in these conditions!”

“Well, at least her countertop is organized,” Jason remarks. I nod in agreement, looking at the perfectly organized counter.

“If only her cabinets and drawers could look like this,” I grumble. “Anyways, I need sterile dressing, and some, uh, some sticky tape. What’s it called-”

“Steri-strips?”

“Yeah them.”

“They’re right up here.” Jason reaches over my head and grabs the box of steri-strips. I open a different cabinet and look for some sterile dressing, only to be disappointed by the fact that they aren’t in this cupboard.

Jason and I look at how messy the cabinet is and sigh in unison, then giggle. 

“Are they in this one- they are!” Jason exclaims, handing me some sterile bandages. 

“Take a seat,” I instruct him, gesturing towards Sarah’s rolling chair. Jason sits down and spins himself around a couple of times before remembering why we’re in here.

“How do you know what to do?” Jason questions, watching me as I roll up his shirt sleeve and unroll the bandages, measuring out what size I need the bandage.

“The internet,” I explain, grabbing a pair of scissors from the counter and cutting the bandage to size. “I needed to know for a chapter of a story. The information seems to have stuck with me.”

“What story has a scene with self-harm wounds?” Jason helps me with the Steri-strips. “I’ve read all of your works.”

“It’s actually a story that’s still in the works.” Jason winces, and I immediately rub where my hand was. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to press as hard as I did.”

“You’re good,” Jason assures me. I stick the last Steri-strip onto his shoulder, then roll his sleeve back down. “Organizing time?”

“Absolutely yes please.”

Jason opens a random cupboard and pulls everything out, setting the items down on the counter. I copy his actions, picking a random cupboard and moving everything inside of it to the counter.

“This cabinet is just empty!” Jason shouts, gesturing wildly. I peek over and laugh quietly at the very empty cupboard.

“And this one is the exact opposite,” I state, catching the few boxes that fell out of the cabinet. “I mean, I knew it was bad but this is ridiculous.”

Jason and I fall into a comfortable silence as we empty out Sarah’s cupboards and drawers.

“What goes where-”

“Bandages go here.” I tap the cabinet most easily accessible to everyone. “Disinfectants too.”

“Rolled up bandages, or band-aids?”

“Yes.”

“That wasn’t a yes or no question!” Jason swats my shoulder, and I chuckle. 

“Sorry,” I say, definitely not sorry. 

“No you aren’t!”

“I’m not you’re right.”

“I could just let you do this on your own-”

“Please don’t?”

Jason rolls his eyes and raises his arms above his head, one of his elbows cracking in the process.

“Hey you can c***k your elbows too!” I exclaim. Jason lowers his arms and nods, his eyes gaining a sparkle that wasn’t there during any of our talks. 

“I can also do this.” Jason thrusts his hand out and wiggles his thumb- no, he doesn’t wiggle his thumb. He moves it in and out of place.

“I can do a magic trick,” I whisper. “Look into my eyes.”

Once I’m sure his Hershey brown eyes are focused on mine I shake my eyes. My vision flickers rapidly, then stops on Jason’s smiling face.

“I can do a magic trick too,” he murmurs. His eyes shake violently and I laugh.

“I have never seen someone else do that. It looks so cool!”

“I know right?” Jason and I laugh together, then catch our breath. I realize how close we are and take a subtle step backwards.

“I guess we should get back to organizing.” I point towards the cabinets.

“Did my breath smell?”

I groan and face-palm. Guess that subtle step wasn’t as subtle as I wanted it to be.

“No, I’m sorry,” I begin. “I’m just not that comfortable being that close to someone for that long.”

Jason nods in understandable.

“I get that. So, you’re not a physical touch person.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, confused.

“The five love languages,” Jason explains. “It’s physical touch, quality time, and some others.”

“How do you know what those are and why?”

The smile on Jason’s face fades. 

“I wanted to learn what Connor’s language was,” he says, his voice barely above a whisper. “I hoped that if I knew what it was, we would get along.”

“Did you ever figure out what it was?”

Jason chuckles and looks up at the ceiling.

“I did,” Jason states. “His language is one of the last ones I would’ve thought it was.”

“What is it?” I make a mental note to look up the love languages later. 

“His love language is words of affirmation. He likes being told when people love him or appreciate him.”

Hi yes this is late I'm sorry.

Question of the chapter: what's Xael's love language? Why is Conner's language words of affirmation?