Indifferent

Chapter Two

It’s been a week since mum passed and I’m still in shock and everything seems surreal, the doctor confirmed that mum died of a natural cause there was nothing abnormal showing in the autopsy results. I wasn’t in the state of mind to believe in anything other than what the doctor had said, I had to be contented in the life mum had lived and given me to believe that she had died because it was her time. Mum lived a neutral life, she never knew her parents so she lived all her life in a foster care system until she was old enough to be independent then she had me from a loveless fling yet she loved me with all her heart until her death. I remember mum telling some time ago that she would want to be cremated when she passes on and so I did, the doctor granted me the permission to witness mum’s cremation and lay her ashes to the earth but under the supervision of a nurse as I was still full time in therapy, my friends were also present though it was a very short day and when everything was over, I went back to the ward to rest and reminisce on the old days with mum until I slept off, I didn’t even notice when my friends left.A month after mum’s death, I was awake and alone the doctor told me that I had started to recover and the cells were dying fast even I started to feel stronger and was making sounds with speech therapy, the doctor suggested that if I continued to lay in bed all day I would develop stasis so he encouraged me to try and move around or do something mentally stimulating like reading, he referred to the books that were laying on the table next to me, they were left by mum before she died, some she had already read to me. I didn’t feel like it, watching them on the table reminded me of mum and made me shed tears a few times but I didn’t have the resolve to tell the nurse to take it away. One evening the nurse took me out for the regular evening stroll in the hospital’s recuperation garden but this time around she gave me my laptop Jesse brought from school for me just in case I was ready to continue my project now that I am in remission although I didn’t think I was up for it. That evening, something seemed a bit different about the garden, it was peaceful like in a way that was speaking to me, I wasn’t alone in the garden yet it felt like it, I couldn’t explain it so I decided to write it down and that began the journey of my career as a writer. I was discharged from the hospital three months later and was able to complete my project. AlbeitbI graduated a year later than my course mates, it didn’t matter I was comforted in the solace of the words I wrote and the stories I told. I got a job as a junior editor in a publishing company but I didn’t get my break as writer until three years later in another publishing company after sending my story to them online and passing their interview. Later that year, I connected with Jess as we both were looking for an apartment and didn’t have enough money to pay for one so we shared the bill and got a two rooms apartment.Seven years later, Jess and I were still living together and we had a good understanding about ourselves so we didn’t exactly have difficulties living together, I was a neutralist like my mum while she was an optimist she had her own fair share of difficulties but optimised her way through them. My heart has been broken a few times and I’ve broken a few myself nevertheless none was lethal or devastating because I never really gave the chance to anyone to get too close not because I didn’t believe in love or affection I was just indifferent about it. Mum raised me to believe in love when it comes but not to hope for it when it’s not there or depend on it when it is present.The nature of my job allows me to work from home and be very present in my affairs, I was home writing my latest project with my publishers and this project was not like anything I had done before, it was a needed watershed in my career and will determine my future, my contract with Whitestone Publishers was concluding and I need this project’s success to renew my contract. Whitestone Publishers are very flexible with their writers and do not constrain me with deadlines or ridiculous demands hence why I want a contract renewal, their renewals always included a raise in royalties with an improvement in working condition that is already almost flawless. I haven’t felt sick in a long time or overworked myself, after my last episode with cancer l made sure I lived my life very grateful by doing my best to live healthy, regular exercises, rest, eating healthy food and medical check-ups were my routine. I didn’t do all of this out of fear of a cancer relapse but because even if I don’t get to live long like mum I want to at least live as well as she did. Fainting was an unexpected event for me however I did that Wednesday evening when I regained consciousness, I saw Jess and Dr Milton in the room and when they noticed I was awake, they greeted me warmly, I asked what happened and she said she came home and met me unconscious on the floor then brought me here, Dr Milt with his always calm and gleam expression told me that there was nothing to worry about and it may have been a stress stroke resulting from a deficiency, that sounded like hogwash to me on the contrary I wasn’t stressed at all and there was no way a deficiency would explain the fainting, he knew how keen I was on being healthy and taking my vitamins, he had been my doctor since my cancer episode and handled all my prescriptions, I feel like I should be in bed for being too healthy. He responded with a smile and tried to patronise me, I was relieved because my current condition didn’t require me to be bedridden any longer however he asked me to come back in a week for a full body scan and an MRI just to be safe. The days came by fast and I wasn’t worried about anything at all Jess however was anxious on my account and she reduced her activities for the week just so she’ll be home early and be with me, I told her she didn’t have to but she’s not one to listen to anyone when it comes to pacifying her anxiety, she joined me in my morning exercise which she hates, she’s not a hard on exercise person she only goes once in two weeks to run the mill, she accompanied me just to make sure I don’t fall over while running or faint on the street. The day of the hospital visit she took a day off, that morning she read a thousand and one of her optimist mantras to keep me in high spirits and to be honest it was more amusing than empowering I was never one to believe in hopeful speeches or at least that what mum called motivational talk or mantric mumbles, I just do what I feel is best. In the hospital, we didn’t have to wait for long, Dr Milt didn’t have many patients to attend to, we headed to the lab for tests, it took about half an hour to run the tests then waited a few minutes in the doctor’s office before he joined us to interpret the results. He told me that the full body scan was clear and there was no abnormality however the MRI showed a mass in my frontal lobe and when they zoomed in they realized it was not a new mass but have been there for approximately eight years that was since her last cancer apparently the cancer had metastasized to that region but it was very minute and could not have been detected during therapy or remission, it has been growing very slowly and that day she fainted it grew an inch and touched the part of her brain responsible for consciousness when she awoke it had shifted back to its position however if she had not come for the scan it would not have been detected until another three years when it grows and become malignant then she would be unable to talk for life again. By this time Jess had already started crying so she excused herself, I was unreadable and the doctor didn’t know if he was to continue or not so I broke the silence and asked him what next then he said it was a benign mass and could be removed by surgery however it may affect my ability to coordinate words to write or read because of the delicate position the mass was in and the surgery has to be carried out by a specialist in metastasis cancer not all surgeons could do that and they didn’t have anyone in that hospital except in Norway which was two continents away from me. This time Jess came back in and the doctor was kind enough to explain everything to her again finally he said “although the mass is at a benign stage, the nature of the growth makes it rotatory, this means that you may keep experiencing fainting spells and if care is not taken you may go into coma.” This was the icing on the cake of dilemma that the doctor presented to me, although I was seemingly not in danger I was at the risk of going into coma meaning I had to do the surgery and doing the surgery means putting a pause on my final work to end my contract and the surgery brings the possibility of not ever being able to read, write or coordinate my thoughts or speak again. We went home that day silent, nobody could speak and when we got home I went straight to my room to sleep as that was the only I could do, I slept from noon to the next morning, I’m sure Jess occasionally came to check on me to make sure I had not fallen into another fainting spell I may have heard my name a few times and responded mildly that my explain why I woke up in the morning in my room and not in the hospital, knowing Jess well if she had suspected that I had fainted again, she definitely would have taken me to the hospital and made sure I spent a week there and if possible done the surgery but she knows that decision was not hers to make. It was Saturday morning and she didn’t work on Saturdays, I woke up and found Jess by my bedside and for a brief moment I saw myself ten years ago waking up to mum by bed side, a tear dropped from my eyes I was just grateful it was brief enough for Jess not to have noticed, when she saw that I was awake, we exchanged greetings and she tried to stay neutral but I could see the anxiousness to talk about what happened yesterday but she didn’t want to be forward so I stood up smiling and went about my morning routine whenever she couldn’t hold her anxiety in anymore, she would let it out and that wasn’t too far ahead. She held it to in enough for me to go running and back and when I had showered and eaten she let the cat out of the bag and asked me “so what are we going to do,” I smiled and replied “so we are going to continue to write my book and that’s it.” I was as resilient as she was on decisions and she knew not to ask any further so she dropped the issue and went about our weekend the way normally did although I caught her glances on me itching to ask me more but she understood me not to. It was three months after and it was almost like we had forgotten about our visit to the doctor’s office even though whenever I went for monthly check-ups he would try to advise me to do the surgery early but I told him the same thing I told Jess about writing my book “after my book I will decide what to do.” I had an appointment with my publishers for the review of the six chapters I had submitted and the meeting was in the office, we were about to round up when I felt a twitch of nausea even though then it cleared, somehow I just knew this was it and fainting was coming next so I tried to pull myself together at least till I got home, I would rather faint at home instead of here with a bunch of people, the meeting ended and when we exchanged greetings I was about to shake hands with the CEO and the next thing I opened my eyes and saw an unknown doctor with the bunch of my colleagues through the transparent window, the doctor was talking with my manager and CEO and for a minute I was a grateful that I was in regular hospital and this doctor clearly did not know what was going on with me I heard him telling them it was probably stress and that made sense because they thought that it was maybe stress from writing the book, I chuckled and thought to myself “this people had no idea,” I think they must have heard the sound because they turned and when they saw me they smiled and try to patronize me, the doctor asked me to take it easy then the CEO responded and said they could always extend my deadline for me so I don’t have a breakdown likewise I smiled and thanked him but turned it down I knew what I need was not an extension of my deadline but shortening the deadline on my end if I can finish early then maybe I can consider undergoing the surgery, I was discharged and driven home after tirelessly answering concerned colleagues who brought me to the hospital by the time I was home I was exhausted I went straight to bed thank goodness Jess wasn’t home yet, I have been saved the stress of Jess sermon about considering the surgery. I woke up the next time but this time something had changed, for some reason unknown to me I woke up resolved to undergo the surgery, it may have been a premonition in my dream, I greeted Jess and went for my morning routine when I came back Jess was getting ready to go to work then I told her that I was going to get the surgery done she was shocked than I have seen her before, she said when she got back we would discuss it then she left. She got back earlier than usual, she showered and ate then came to my room and asked me “why?” I laughed and answered “just because” “I’m sure you know I deserve more than that” she said obviously annoyed, “I really don’t know, I guess maybe after fainting yesterday in front of the entire Whitestone Publishers, was a wakeup call for me and I don’t want a repeat of that,” “what! You fainted and I’m just knowing?! really Sapphire!” she exclaimed “I’m sorry it wasn’t intentional I came back and I was so exhausted then I slept till this morning” in my defence. ‘’It’s okay. So what’s the plan now,” she asked “I don’t know I guess we’ll go to the doctor and find out from him.” in response. I called Dr Milt and informed him about my change of heart he was also happy and fixed an appointment for tomorrow.The next day at the his office, he went straight to the point after a brief encouragement then I told him to refer me for the next month so I would be able to sort things with my publishers and if necessary liaise with another writer to finish my work with my idea even though I don’t have any idea how the book would end. Dr Milt smiled and told me that it maybe not be necessary to think that far because there was an International Cancer Conference taking place next month and the location not too far, the specialist from Norway would be facilitator and this hospital just signed a 6 months contract with him for consultation, he gave me a pamphlet for the conference with the doctor’s detail so I could read about him before he came I guess he thought that was going to build confidence in me but it didn’t matter to me I had decided to do the surgery and it didn’t matter who the doctor was. My schedule time with the hospital was approaching fast and I had sorted things with my publishers I told all the doctor told me and about my condition and my plan to letting another writer finish my book just in case the worst case scenario happened, they didn’t like the idea so much and barely agreed but they were being hopeful like Jess that the worst would not happen something I couldn’t relate with. I checked into the hospital a day before my appointment with the surgeon, everything was set for me, my publishers ensured I was checked into a VIP ward with everything to my specification so I could be comfortable and honestly it didn’t matter because I could die on the table or be useless to them after the surgery so there was need for all this but they insisted and I obliged. When I was about to sleep then I remembered that I didn’t read the pamphlet that Doctor Milt gave me but it was already late and I wasn’t sure if Jess packed it with my things I guess I’ll just have to meet him in person tomorrow.The doctor was scheduled to come to my room by 10am and it was noon he was not there, the nurse came severally to inform me that he was coming soon I think she was trying to pacify me but she ended up annoying me and it was not her fault I took my laptop to continue my work maybe he was engaged or just being arrogant I mean what’s the point of being a specialist if you can’t be civil and punctual. I got do engrossed in what I was doing I didn’t know someone walked in, for a moment I felt like someone was staring at me and I asked in irritation if he was going to keep staring, I didn’t even care to ask for his reason for staring then he answered with the same irritation saying that he was from pest control, my annoyance only grew worse then I asked him in the most polite way to excuse himself and come when I am discharged then he asked “when is that” and I said “whenever the almighty specialist deemed it fit to grace this ward with his presence” I hissed and returned my attention back to the screen of my laptop I thought he was going to leave but he just stood there for a while “ I didn’t mean to make you run out of patience but people in VIP ward want a doctor’s full attention and time so I didn’t want to attend to you in a hurry because I had other patients waiting for me or keep them waiting for too long because I was attending to you” “what does that mean” I was clearly irritated “that means that I am Dr Neil Tones and I am the consultant who will be attending to your case.” “Wait! Did you say Neil Tones?”