The Sentinels of Eden, Books 1-4

Chapter 74

Chapter 18

After breakfast I invited Bane to come for a walk around the paddocks with me, hoping it would help to smooth out my curled-up memories. Autumn was a gorgeous time of year on a sheep farm. Everything that had been dry and dusty finally began to heal with the first of the rains, and the new grass grew in frenzied bursts to try to beat the first frosts. Autumn lambs bounced everywhere, clean and new. There was something about the smell of sheep that made everything feel right. Automatically, I checked on every water trough and dam level we passed as I had done ever since I could walk, and noticed every loose bit of fencing wire and every wobbly post along the way. Unlike before, I also noticed the way the trees slept as they waited for their next drink, and the way sunlight bounced joyfully off the old tin shed, caught in silken webs by the tiny spiders who never stopped searching for a better quality neighbourhood in which to build their next home.

Everything felt so familiar, and yet still confusing—when I tried to say hello to the sheep they kept running away from me, birds flew off every time we got anywhere near them and I had forgotten how stinky everything could be. I’d brought along some carrots for the horses, and was thrilled when they didn’t flinch away. Alonso even rubbed his head against me when I scratched the hollow part under his jaw. It made me wonder how the zebra filly was doing. I would miss watching her grow. Or would I? Perhaps it really would be better for everyone if I went back. I thought I knew what I wanted, but Bane was difficult to read and so I was as confused as ever. Most of the time he seemed to crave being close to me, and yet he kept pulling away. He said he was glad that I was back, only he wouldn’t tell me what I had done to annoy him. The subtle complexities of relationships outside of Eden were beyond me. It wasn’t like I’d been very good at them even before I’d left. Perhaps he was the one who needed time to adjust. That sounded right, but my mind was having trouble wrapping around the concept. Things were far more straightforward back home in Eden. No secrets, no doubts, and complete trust that everyone liked you.

Hands grasped my shoulders and turned me until I was face to face with my Guardian. In an instant my body reacted to his touch in a way that I hadn’t felt in all the time I had been away. He was so close, and vibrant.

‘Something’s bothering you,’ he said, eyebrows wrinkling in a frown. Frowning. Not smiling. It was all very tricky.

‘Me? You’re the one who’s annoyed and won’t tell me why. Do I need to give you time to adjust?’ I asked, somewhat feebly. It was so hard to know what he wanted when he gave such conflicting body language.

His eyebrows rose in alarm. ‘Time to adjust? Oh, because I asked to take it slow?’ He gave a regretful smile, and then frowned again. ‘Wait, what makes you think I’m annoyed?’

‘Your body language. Back in the kitchen when Noah told me how long I’d been gone for. Are you sure it’s been three years? It hasn’t felt like it.’

A flicker of tension flashed through his frame, quickly suppressed. ‘It felt like forever to me,’ he admitted. Something closed in his expression as he looked down.

‘See, you’re doing it again! You talk all the right words but your signs are telling me you’re cross with me. I don’t know what you want.’ In my frustration I was signing as well as talking and my waving arms made Alonso shy and bolt away across the paddock. Everything in this rotten world was ruled by fear and mistrust and I didn’t like it.

Bane rubbed his face and closed his eyes for a second to think. When he opened them again he sighed, as if he had decided on something. ‘Honestly? I’m not annoyed at you. I’m just a bit hurt. The last few years have been pretty awful. I guess it feels unfair that you hardly noticed it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not really surprised. I mean, you were in Paradise. My reaction is entirely selfish, and in no way am I cross with you, I promise.’

Finally his face matched his words in bleak honesty. It helped a lot. It made it easier to see things from his point of view.

‘But you should be cross. I left you alone,’ I pointed out. ‘After you told me what you wanted, I still didn’t really believe you. I’ve brought you nothing but misery right from the start and you deserve better.’

Grabbing my hands, he placed them on either side of his face and met my eyes with a look full of fierce passion. ‘For God’s sake, Lainie. For someone who can read people, you can be pretty blind. I know what you can do with your gift, so go ahead, read me. See how much I yearn for you, every minute of every day. I know this place is confusing for you but don’t you dare doubt me, or how I feel about you—not ever.’

No breath left my lungs for about five seconds. There was absolutely no need for me to use any of my whacko powers to read him. By his flushed expression and the fire behind his eyes it was pretty clear that when he used the word ‘yearn’, it really wasn’t an overstatement, so I pulled his face even closer and gave him the sort of kiss that showed him I felt the same.

It wasn’t until we were heading back and I saw the brilliant yellow spray of roses along the side of the cottage that another memory came crashing down. The cottage. Harry’s cottage. It had looked so different when we had walked down there the previous evening that my mind had chosen to just slip over what it meant. There had been too many other distractions. Harry wasn’t here. I had left him in the white hospital bed and he had been dying. Harry had been the closest thing I’d had to a father, and I’d left him to die and had barely even noted his passing. In Eden, every time I’d thought about him I’d put him among all the other people I’d left behind, somehow assuming that he was just going about his business without me, the same as everyone else. After all, they were all dead, in a way.

The vibrant roses waved their petal fingers in the air as if to mock my deluded thinking. What was wrong with me? I couldn’t just lose someone so important and not even grieve, could I? I would never let that happen—it had to be a mistake. Surely it was a sickening nightmare that I would wake from at any moment in a rush of clammy relief? Motionless, I tracked my conflicting emotions as they flooded through me. He was gone and I couldn’t see him anymore. I couldn’t talk to him. And yet he had chosen to go. Sort of. He had been sick, but he could have eaten the Living Fruit when he was in Eden. He hadn’t wanted to. And I wanted whatever he wanted. That was how it was supposed to work.

My shoulder was nudged, gently. ‘What’s wrong?’ Bane asked.

‘He’s gone. Moved across,’ I managed to choke out past the bile swirling through my gut.

Bane nodded, and put his serious face back on. ‘He died a few days after you left. How would you like me to refer to him? Noah calls him “Uncle” now.’

He was talking about the avoidance of using personal names when speaking about deceased Aboriginal people. It was respectful for him to ask.

I considered carefully, thinking out loud. ‘He’s crossed over and I don’t believe that he would be called back to this world now, but then what would I know? Also, he’s Cherub, not human, and I haven’t a clue how that changes things.’ Having the authority to wield supernatural powers didn’t mean I felt qualified to make such decisions. For maybe the first time in my life I decided to follow Noah’s wisdom. ‘Probably best to be cautious, just in case.’ And what did Cherubim do after crossing over? Where did we go? Same place as humans? What about Guardians? Something about that thought tripped me off track and I decided it would be unwise for me to dwell on the concept of death too much here, so I made myself stop fiddling with the end of my braid and turned back to face Bane. ‘He chose to go. It was what he desired most?’ That last part wasn’t supposed to have come out as a question.

‘I guess so, at least, it was his choice. He wanted to go, in the end.’

My stomach settled a little. I just needed to focus on that. Harry had done what he wanted. All was well. ‘He was Noah’s real dad,’ I remembered. Such a revelation had been hard to forget but it came with other thoughts, ones that my mind shied away from even faster than Alonso had bolted, so instead I kept my mind fixed on Harry. ‘They look nothing alike, but then why would they? Cherubim look like whatever people expect to see, so Noah has grown up looking like everyone expects him to look. Just like his brothers. He’s even got David Ashbree’s green eyes.’ An image of another face flashed before me. Her eyes weren’t the same vivid green, they were dark olive, and much more serious. I didn’t like thinking about her. ‘Noah bites on his tongue the same way Uncle used to, when he’s concentrating hard on something.’ I should have noticed that earlier. If I had, then maybe …

Blinking, I looked at Bane in confusion. What had I just been saying?

He watched me for a moment, and then asked, ‘Did you want to see the graves?’ His fingers squeezed mine in gentle concern.

‘The grave? What for? He isn’t there—he’s moved across. I miss him, but he isn’t … there.’ Where was he? What was he up to at that moment? When I had died, I’d gone somewhere. Somewhere real.

‘Not just …’ Bane’s long eyelashes caught the sun as he looked down at my hand in his. ‘Never mind.’

For a long moment he stayed quiet, as if he was trying to decide something.

‘Lainie, how much do you remember about what happened the day you left?’

I had a brief vision of Harry’s face on a white pillow. And of running through the bush, trying to go faster. Noah had made it there first. After that …

I snatched my hand out of his. ‘We need to find Dallmin now.’ For some reason my voice was trembling.

My Guardian didn’t speak as he followed me back up to the house.