Red

The Day I Lost My Hopelessness

Auntie held my hand the whole way home, only letting go when uncle helped us into the buggy. But as soon as I was up with auntie, she huddled me onto her lap and held me tight against her chest. This time, uncle did not make the horses gallop. They just walked at an average pace. No one had the spirit to make them go any faster.

My eyes grew heavy and my head lolled back onto auntie's shoulder and my eyes closed. Soon the cart pulled to a stop and I felt as auntie passed me into uncle's arms and he carried me gently into the house, but instead of putting me into the guest bed, I was placed onto the couch.

"Darling, wake up a little, I need to clean your wounds." Auntie's soft voice penetrated my tired fog.

"But I'm tired, auntie." I replied.

"It won't take long my darling, and it will be too bad by morning."

I sighed, "Alright auntie." I sat up better on the couch and waited for auntie to bring a warm bowl of clean water, a rag and some brown liquid in one of the bottles papa would sometimes drink from. "What is that auntie?"

"It is whisky darling. The alcohol in it will get rid of all the horrid germs in your wounds. But it will sting a touch. Can you be brave?"

"Yes auntie. I am a big girl now."

Auntie smiled up at me from her position on the floor as she lifted my skirts up my legs so that she could inspect the wound. Auntie dipped the rag into the water and dabbed gently at the wound on my knee.

I grabbed a cushion and buried my face in it.

"Come now dear. The alcohol will be a bit worse, but you must not pull away."

"I promise."

Auntie poured some of the whisky onto the rag and then held it on my knee. I yelped in shock at the sudden pain that radiated through my leg.

After what felt like hours to my young self, auntie removed the rag, wrapped my knee with a bandage and pulled my skirts down.

"Come darling, let's get you into some cleaner clothes." I took auntie's hand and tiredly walked to the guest bedroom where uncle had already brought my suitcase.

Auntie helped me change and then tucked me into bed.

As auntie walked out, I called her name.

"Yes, darling?" auntie looked back.

"What will happen to papa's horses?"

"They will become yours and will be kept here with mine."

"What if papa's horses and your horses don't like each other?" concern etched on my face.

"I am sure they will darling. Now get some sleep." She said with a small chuckle, extinguished the candle and closed the door behind her.

I turned on her side and as she closed my eyes, papa's face blazed in my mind.

"Papa?" I called into the room. "Papa?" I pushed open the door and stepped through, the skirts of my nightgown swishing against my legs. Papa lay on the floor surrounded by what looked like wine all over the floor. "Did you spill your wine papa?"

Papa turned his head toward her and smiled. But his smile didn't look like it normally looked, it was a sad smile. Then he morphed into dust.

Next thing I was in a field, surrounded by yellow sunflowers. Momma held one hand and papa held the other. We were all smiling. But, then my parents let go of my hands. 'I'm sorry darling. We cannot join you on the rest on your journey. You must hold onto the love that we always showed you. And never forget, our daughter, you are special.'

I sat up when a scream woke me. Normally I slept soundly, but not this time. This time the scream came from my own throat and tears streaming down my face. Uncle burst through the door, his shotgun in hand.

"What happened? Are you hurt?" He asked.

Auntie came through and saw the fright in the young girl's eyes and her face softened, "Did you have a rotten dream, darling?"

I nodded, tears still streaming down my face. I reached my arms towards auntie. Immediately, auntie was there. Holding me up, she walked me through to their own bed and set me down in the middle. Auntie and uncle lay on either side of me. Uncle took my hand and stroked his thumb on the back of my hand. Auntie cradled my head and ran her fingers through her niece's hair. Not long after, we were all asleep. This time, with no nightmares.

Sunlight streamed through the window, waking me up with their gentle fingers of light. It had been two years since I had moved to auntie's house. I turned on my side and stared out the window to the rolling meadow with the two trees that could be seen. A sigh left my lips. How could life look so peaceful outside when inside my soul was hurting so bad.

Two years, the number kept repeating in my head. Two years ago I had a father. And now, now all I have is nightmares. My mind raced and every time I lay in my bed to rest, sleep eluded me. And when I did sleep, all I saw was the blood, it surrounded my vision of my papa. But each time, he smiled and when he spoke, she heard both her momma and papa's voices.

'You must hold onto the love that we always showed you. And never forget, our daughter, you are special.'

Then they would take hands and walk away from me.

I had stopped screaming when I woke, but instead I would wake up sobbing.

This time, this time was different.

'Papa, why am I so special?' I asked as we walked hand in hand through the maze.

'I do not have all the answers, but soon you will know. But I do not want you to mourn us any longer. Go to the river, you have not bathed in days. I love you.'

A knock on the door interrupted my reverie. The door cracked open and I smelled tomato soup.

"Good morning, auntie." I said, without turning away from the window.

"Oh! You are awake? How are you feeling, darling?" auntie replied.

I turned to face auntie with a smile. Auntie beamed back at me, it had been so long since she saw me smile and it filled her heart with joy.

"Can we make cookies today, auntie?" I asked.

"Of course, darling. But for now eat your soup, then maybe go down to the river to bathe."

I smiled up at her with laughter in my eyes, remembering my dream. I ate her soup in silence and then went down to the river with my spare clothes.