Stories in Broken Glass

Chapter Nine

You know how they say, everything before the word ‘but’ is bullshit?

That how I felt when Emma called me yesterday.

It had been almost six months since we all graduated. Leigh and Keith were touring with their band—their name now officially The Black Watch.

Emma was in uni, so was I. Just different ones. I went to a state uni, Emma went to an Ivy league out of state with her football player boyfriend.

Caleb was playing hockey overseas now.

Dad was… neck deep in work. Because he wanted to be.

And I was here. Driving alone down the familiar backstreets where I had my car crash.

We were all meeting at The Little Onion, ‘for old times’ sake’. I had slowly lost all contact with my friends, my mind becoming muddled with reality and this fake world I went to when I was sleeping.

Vampires trying to kill me. Caleb crying. Emma showing up at my car crash.

I limited my number of friends, just a few acquaintances in each of my classes for those days when I contemplated signing myself into a mental hospital because I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t.

Emma and Hayden were already there when I arrived, I could see their back from when I had parked at the burger joint.

Emma was wearing black trousers and a light blue top that had flowers on it, her hair in a perfectly messy bun. She looked like she belonged in a TV series about a young lawyer trying to succeed in a make dominated industry.

Her boyfriend was seated beside her, in the same uniform he’s been wearing his entire life; jeans, a dark shirt and a cap that he’s respectfully taken off at the door, now sitting on the table.

I heard the beep of my car locks before I realised that I had zoned out again.

My hand was on the door handle, my mind snapping back into reality.

I blinked, I counted to twenty.

I opened the door.

Emma saw me first, standing to give me a hug. She was familiar and warm, and I hated that my eyes stung at the thought. I hugged Hayden next, brief as it was, I knew he wasn’t just here because his girlfriend dragged him along.

“Vera, I haven’t seen you in so long.” She sounded concerned she always sounded concerned when it came to me, something that used to make me feel loved and comforted now infuriated me—and I didn’t know why.

“Yeah, it’s been a while.” I was polite like my father taught me to be.

“More than a while. You’re looking good though. Has anything exiting happened lately?”

She was lying, I looked like s**t and I knew it.

I did make an effort this morning when I was standing in the mirror of my off-campus dorm, the dark circles staining my eyes, my jutting shoulders and ribs, the pale sickly colour of my skin from never going outside.

“You’re one to talk.” I didn’t mean for it to sound bitter, but it did.

Hayden looked offended on Emma’s behalf, while Emma looked sad. And I didn’t know why.

I was stopped from saying anything else that hurt Emma’s feelings because the rest of us walked in.

Caleb, Keith and Leigh walked in together. Leigh breaking away from her fiancé to hug Emma with a squeal.

Keith and Hayden did the bro hug, Caleb hanging off to the side. Looking directly at me where I hadn’t moved from the booth.

Caleb only took his eyes off me when Emma pulled him in for a hug, he politely kissed her cheek the same way he had when we all left for uni.

I slipped out of the booth, going to Keith first as he was closest. He held me as long as Emma had, his hold tightening before letting go.

Leigh was taller than me, by a lot, she enveloped me into her arms, my head only reaching just before her boobs. We had often made jokes that Leigh had a built-in pillow.

Now, I just leaned in and listened to a heartbeat that had always synced with mine, hers betrayed her today. It was beating rapidly; her breaths were controlled but her heart was…

I pulled away.

I stood in front of Caleb. I hadn’t seen him in so long.

He looked the same but different.

His arms were loose at his sides, his jaw straining and the muscle jumping.

“Caleb-” I didn’t get to finish because he pulled me into him by my shoulder.

“Shut up, Vera.” I did.

I didn’t say anything. I just closed my eyes and leaned my forehead into his chest. My arms came around to hold his waist.

His banded around my back.

We didn’t say anything for the longest time. Just standing there.

“I fuckin’ hate you so much, V.” I know. I didn’t call or text him.

He tried, often. He called me daily, until it turned into weekly, then monthly. Then calls from my dad telling me that Caleb called again, that he asked about me.

I avoided him.

I avoided all of them.

Locked away in the small bubble of my dorm room, I slowly lost my mind.

Images from the nights I don’t remember forcing themselves to the forefront.

I can’t look them in the eye as they catch up on the lives they’ve lived. Ordering food and simple yes or no questions were the only times I spoke.

“Well, we have some good news.” Emma says when the food is finally brought out.

The sight of the greasy burgers and the salty chips used to send a shot of dopamine straight to my brain. Now it makes my stomach turn. When was the last time I ate?

“You’re pregnant?” Keith guessed.

Leigh turned and smacked him, hard. He shot her a dark look.

“No, I acknowledged that Emma is way out of my league, she can and will find better. But I’m gonna keep her.” The reply came from Hayden who had stayed almost as quite as me, throwing a chip in his mouth to punctuate his little speech.

“What really!?” Keith and Caleb said their enthusiastic congratulations. I actually smiled when I said mine.

Leigh called for a round of shots despite it only being just after noon.

After a rapid fire of questions, I now knew that they hadn’t set a date. Not location. No, it wasn’t a shotgun wedding. Emma wasn’t going to have a maid of honour. She asked Leigh and I to be her bridesmaids, and a girl that went to law school with her to be another maid of honour.

I said yes of course. My mood lightening.

I excused myself to go to the bathroom.

I didn’t actually need to use it; I just needed the privacy to break.

The edges of my vision grew hazy, and my memory cracked further. Images of all those nights blending into one twisted dream that I couldn’t distinguish from reality.

I saw myself falling asleep on the couch, as if from a distance, at the movie night after Emma’s first date with Hayden, the sound of glass braking bleeding into my memory.

The sound of glass breaking caught the attention of whatever lived in my brain.

The window of my car broke on the familiar back streets of my home.

That man with the pale skin and the light hair. The man that my mind had made into a monster was there.

He was there again when I was with Caleb. Talking to Caleb in a language I couldn’t understand. Making Caleb cry.

Then there was him.

The man with gold eyes who was all hard edges and an unsmiling face.

He visited these episodes frequently.

Always at the end.

I always wake up crying.

I don’t know how long I was in there. But when I woke up, my mascara was running. The thick black lines were washed out under my eyes, my eyelashes clumpy.

I stared at myself in the mirror as I let the dethatched part of my brain right itself.

Paper was dampened, my eyes and face were cleaned, the paper towel becoming a soggy mess on the floor when I missed the bin.

I swallowed water from my hands, droplets lingering on my skin.

And for the first time in a long time, I really looked at myself. I saw the echo of my teenage self in my reflection.

I was thinner. My skin paler. My eyes darker. My hair dull, I used to keep it to my shoulder length. Now it was longer than it had been most my life.

My lips were cracked.

And my palms help the pink scars of my nails.

Blotting away the new tears, I counted to twenty.

They were all waiting outside, a tight circle by the front window. I paused outside the bathroom door, hesitating long enough for someone to shoulder-check me on their way to the toilets.

I murmured an apology.

“Who paid for my portion?” Is the first thing I said.

They all turned to look at me like they were surprised I was talking. I wanted to shrink into the ground.

“Caleb did.” Keith answered for his brother.

“Let me-” Generally it was common curtsy to pay someone back for their meal.

“No, Vera.” The venom in his voice made me swallow past the lump that was tightening in my throat.

The rest of them were watching us.

“I um. I-,” I cleared my throat. “It was nice seeing you all again, but I have to get going if I’m gonna make it back home before they lock the gates.” I said with a small smile that pained me. My lip was wobbling, and I couldn’t stop it.

Emma saw this.

I know she did. She saw everything.

She was the first to hug me and wish me well.

Then Leigh and Keith. Hayden followed; Caleb was last. He hugged me for a much shorter amount of time than at the beginning.

I wished Emma and Hayden well, congratulated them on the proposal. Said my goodbyes and hightailed to my car.

I didn’t look back at my only friends in the world.

I couldn’t bear to see the look on their faces as they realised, they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore.