Chapter 2-2
1083 Words
Maggie walked into Dr. Janzen’s outer office as she had hundreds of times. She had no idea how hard it would be to come home. She’d assumed she’d be able to slide right back into her life like nothing had changed. Even now, she wasn’t sure what changed or how they changed.
She bit her lip against a smile. That was why she needed to see Dr. Janzen.
Dr. Janzen’s door was closed, but no In Session sign hung, so Maggie knocked. No one answered, so she took a seat to wait.
Moments later, Dr. Janzen came in through the office carrying a cup of coffee.
The woman didn’t appear to age. Her short brown hair was still cut in a cute bob. Today she wore a gray skirt and white blouse. Maggie had always imagined Dr. Janzen’s closet as a severely organized space, with each skirt paired with an appropriate blouse. Maggie had seen this exact outfit many times. She was pretty sure she was familiar with the doc’s entire wardrobe.
“Maggie, how are you?”
Maggie stood and shook Dr. Janzen’s hand. “I’m pretty good, thanks.”
She walked ahead of Dr. Janzen into the office and waited while she flipped the in session sign outside the door before closing it. Maggie sank onto the dark brown suede couch. “New furniture.”
Dr. Janzen nodded as she took a seat and set her coffee on the table beside her. “How are you really doing?”
“I’m good. I’m back home now.”
“And how were your travels?”
“Fabulous. I saw so much and made friends.”
“I bet your family is happy to have you back.”
“Yeah, I think so.”
Dr. Janzen didn’t say anything. Maggie knew she was allowing time for Maggie to gather her thoughts and figure out what to say.
“I feel like a fraud,” she finally blurted.
“How do you mean?”
Maggie looked out the window and clasped her hands in her lap. “I told Ryan I wanted to travel because I felt like I was missing out on life. It was partly true, but I felt suffocated here.” She took a deep breath. “The thing is, a lot of that followed me.”
Dr. Janzen still didn’t speak.
“I had a great time traveling. But I’m still missing out. I came back because I’m worried about my mom. After her heart attack, all I could think about was that she could die and I wouldn’t be here. Plus, my siblings are all moving on, getting married, having kids. I’m still missing out.”
“How does that make you feel like a fraud?”
Maggie licked her lips. “I dated while I was in Ireland.”
Dr. Janzen nodded and waited.
“I couldn’t have s*x, though. Even when I wanted to, I couldn’t follow through.” She thought of Ian and how much she’d wanted to have s*x with him.
“Maggie, we talked about recovery. Everyone moves at a different pace.”
“But I felt ready. I liked this guy. And I miss being with someone, you know, really being with them.”
“Feeling ready is good.”
“Then I kind of froze, like a wave of fear washed over me.”
“And then?”
“I stopped.” Maggie leaned forward with her elbows on her knees and held her head. “Ian didn’t take it well.”
Dr. Janzen scooted forward in her seat. “How did you feel?”
“Like a failure.” She shook her head. “I wanted to, but couldn’t do it. And Ian stood there, looking at me like I was a freak.”
“Did he know you’d been r***d?”
Again, Maggie shook her head.
“That is a vital conversation, Maggie. Anyone you plan to be intimate with has to be aware.”
“It’s not something you toss out over dinner, you know? I don’t even know what to say.”
“It needs to be said. What if you’re with a man you really care about and he does something that triggers panic and fear in you? If he doesn’t know about your past, he won’t know how to help you.”
“I just wanted to be a normal girlfriend.”
“This is your normal.”
“Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
Dr. Janzen smiled. “No, you don’t. Any other memories or triggers?”
Maggie lifted a shoulder. “I’ve avoided things that could be triggers.” Leaning back on the couch, she added, “But I’m going to talk to Ryan about working at the bar and getting an apartment above the bar.”
“Why?”
She looked at her doctor’s impassable face. “Because I haven’t stepped foot in the bar in almost five years. It’s my family’s business, and I feel like I’ve lost part of my life because of it.”
Dr. Janzen tilted her head, readying whatever her next thought was, but Maggie cut her off.
“You taught me exposure might be good. Face down my triggers. It might help me get over it.”
“Maggie, this isn’t something to get over. And when we talk about exposure, it’s controlled, not overwhelming yourself with possible triggers.”
“It’s been almost five years. I shouldn’t be living the life of a nun. I want to be a normal twenty-six year old. I want to have boyfriends and go out drinking with friends. I’m tired of this weight hanging around me.”
“I understand. It sounds like you’ve made up your mind.” She sipped her coffee.
Maggie smiled. The woman did know her pretty well. “I promised Shane I would talk to you before speaking to Ryan. I think he hoped you would talk me out of it.”
“I think I know you well enough to know when you’ll listen.”
Maggie twirled the ring on her right hand. “Do you think it’ll work?”
“It depends on what your goal is. Do I think working and living at your family’s bar will make having s*x any easier? No. It might help you deal with that location and the memories there, though. I would suggest that instead of jumping into a job, you just go to the bar. Have dinner, spend some time, and see how you feel.”
She could do that. It had actually been her plan. She needed to know she could be in the bar before she could work there.
“What about s*x? I feel ready to move on.”
“If you’re truly ready to move on and have a s****l relationship, you’ll be able to have that conversation with the man. If you’re not comfortable enough with him to share your past, then you aren’t going to be comfortable having s*x with him.”
Maggie sat there, a little stunned. She felt as if like her therapist just told her to grow up. She’d tried to tell Ian about her r**e, but it never quite came out right. He was a constant distraction, making her smile and laugh. They’d never been serious together. It was part of why she’d liked him so much.
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