Equilibrium

Chapter Three

That is what my mother is good at. She shut everyone out after the second death of my siblings. Once upon a time, there were seven of us. Four boys and three girls. Daniel was the youngest boy. Our older brother died before either of us were born. When we were born, my father always said that we brought some life back into her. She returned to the gardens and the war was suspended for a long time shortly after we were born. She was soft.

Not anymore. I don’t know how long it has been when she finally coaxes me to come back out into reality, but the sun is up and I think that it has been for a long time. She left more than once and I fell asleep more than once. There is an aching stiffness in my muscles and joints. My throat is dry and I am exhausted.

Daniel is dead. He is gone. I have just buried my father, and now I have to bury my brother--my twin brother. My second half. I just want to give in, give up, and surrender, but to surrender myself means to also surrender my people. I am the heir to the throne now. I am the future of my people, and I cannot abandon them. Nothing feels worse than being abandoned. I could not do this to them.

"Emma, we need to address the people. Go get cleaned up." My mother whispers and I can tell by the emotionless tone she uses that she has put up a front. It is something that all royalty can do. We have to be able to. I use mine now. I pretend that no one can hurt me, that I don't care, that I don't hurt. The facade keeps my back rigid and my face smooth. Daniel was all I had left. He was everything. I lost my mother a long time ago, when my last sister died. And it hurts to think that I was not (am not) important enough to her for her to hold out for me.

"Yes Ma'am." I reply, and I stand slowly. My legs ache. I remember, with horrible vividness, the look on the soldier's face. Regret. Betrayal. I laugh to myself mirthlessly. As if I betrayed him by being who I am. I hate him suddenly, and I know that I will never return to another battlefield like that again. It will never happen again. Because I am a woman I will be paired with someone. I will probably have no choice in the matter. He will probably be the man I will end up marrying, because it is just the way things are. There is rarely love involved with royal marriages. My mother was one of the lucky few--lucky, made unlucky. Love is a terrible thing.

My people are as devastated as I feel. I don my black and allow myself to be paraded and pampered, and then as soon as I can, I tell my staff that I want an audience with the Council. We may be a monarchy, but there are still rules. It is not easy to arrange, so while I send my request to my mother with a guard, I retreat to my room to be alone. I almost fall when I step painfully on something small, and when I look down, I feel a wave of nausea roll through me.

The Chautin signet ring. It is not something I want to see, but I know that it may prove useful, so I pick it up and tuck it into my pocket. The soldier must have dropped it that night, up in my room. He must have left it when he followed me. It would have been forgotten for a long time and no one would have known who he was had he been injured or stopped.

When my mother's assistant comes for me, I have prepared a simple, yet to-the-point "speech" that is all of four sentences long. It is short and sweet, which is what they prefer. I have been the heir for only a day, but I intend to start making progress now. I want to fix things now, and this war is at the top of my list.

"I want to meet with the Chautin Assembly. We need to end this war. We cannot take much more of this and neither can they. Either we meet a truce, or we all die." My mother observes me silently from behind the rows of people seated before me. She is wearing her inscrutable mask, matching mine, and she is the one to deliver the verdict.

"A messenger will be sent out under a white flag. Should he return alive, we will go from there, with the Chautin's reply." She decides, and I let my relief embrace me for only a moment.

No one really remembers when the war started. No one remembers why. It is a war that has been passed on for two or three generations, and we only started documenting long after it started. There was a brief respite when my father was king where there was a tense truce. The borders were heavily guarded and in that time Daniel and I were born, and then something happened along the border. A few guards on both sides got into a fight, and only one made it out alive.

He is dead now, of course. It seems so wasteful to me. Everything about it seems meaningless or counterproductive. Generations before me have not been able to stop it and it feels as though I will not be able to either. Worst case scenario, I’ll be dead in a week and it will continue without me.

Best case scenario, I will succeed.

A rider is sent out early in the morning. I am also introduced to my Beta Pair--my partner. His name is Ezra. He is nice, I suppose. A little too nice. Eager. He looks like a typical soldier--his dark hair is cropped short, and he is definitely in shape. His familiarity towards me is disconcerting. In a perfect world he would be a perfect guy, but my world is far from perfect. He is very...touching. Literally. He offers me his arm and he is so careful with me, like I might break. If I break anything, it will be my teeth, from gritting them so hard. I don't want him to touch me--not on my back, nor my neck, nor my arm. It isn't even noon when I get totally fed up and have to excuse myself to my chambers. I have decided, as much as it might disgust me, to wear the Chautin signet ring around my neck. I tuck it into the bodice of my dress and I don't let anyone too close to me. The Genician jewelers are very talented and many people love to see jewelry. To hide a piece is suspicious. I keep my hair down today, to cover the chain.

In my room I sit at the window, where a candle is lit once again. I used to light them to tell my father that I was awake, waiting for him. Now I light it in remembrance because he is dead.

A speck catches my attention, one that is fast paced. It is a rider. The rider. He appears to be alive. A wry smile toys at the corner of my lips. I had overheard many of the Council members taking bets on whether he would or not. Few bet in the rider’s favor.

"Matilda, send word to my mother that the rider is returning at once." I command loudly, and there is a soft noise from the room connecting to mine, where my maid is occupying herself.

"Yes, miss." She replies, to tell me that she heard me.

I open my door and I am not at all surprised to see Ezra waiting there for me. He offers me a small smile, and of course his damned arm. I take it. Now I am glad to have him, because I am on the verge of trembling. Thoughts burn through my mind, making it hard for me to focus. One hundred possible answers pass through my mind, each one worse than the last.

"Lady Emmaline, your mother requests to see you before the Council." One of the soldiers announces when he spots me. He can't have been looking for me for very long. Ezra straightens himself before me and I almost find it humorous that he is afraid of my mother, who could once rarely get out of bed. Who once went an entire week without standing. Who has lost six children, a husband, two sisters, two brothers, and every other semblance of a relative aside from me. I am now oldest and youngest and middle; first and second and last.

The beginning and the end.