S.M.S(Save My Soul)

Chapter 5: It's ok to not be ok

I knew we had to go eventually but I didn't want it to be so soon.

"Well that was fun," Lila said when we walked back

"Ya it was," I said with a faraway look thinking about Devontae and every kid like him out there

"Let's hope Alice and your dad haven't killed each other yet " she joked making me scoff

"Oh please my dad is tougher than that he'll keep his cool," Lila smiled leading us back to grandma's place without getting lost. When we got back we heard absolute silence except noise coming from the tv, for a moment my heart skipped a beat considering the worst might have happened. Lila and I went to the living room first seeing the unexpected my dad and grandma sat on the couch in silence watching something on the brand new tv.

"Did hell freeze over or am I missing something?" Lila asked in shock

"I'm wondering the same thing," I said in shock at my father and grandma being so civil for more than a second.

"Welcome back how was your walk?" My dad asked once he noticed us staring wide eyes at them.

"Good," Lila and I robotically said

"Great, ready to go then?" He asked, I was shaken out of my trance by that question remembering why we were here in the first place.

"Yes, let me just get my things," I said taking Lila aside to ask her a question

***

"Belle that's outrageous even for you?" She shrieked in horror at my strange request I asked her once we were alone.

"I know but look deep in your heart you know I'm right," I pleaded with her

"Alice won't agree with this you know that right," she said with a sigh, I knew what I was asking for was out of the world even insane, to be honest, but I wouldn't be asking if it didn't mean the world to me so that was why I was fighting so hard for her to say yes.

"Grandma doesn't agree on anything I do what's adding one more to the list?" I asked

"Fine, just don't come crying to me when she murders your ass," she huffed finally agreeing

"Thank you," I said surprising her by engulfing her in a tight hug

"Don't thank me yet," she smiled hugging me back, "But you can thank me later by telling me what's bothering you," she said looking at me with a sincere look. I grew little tense goosebumps littering my body as a shiver run up my spine

"Maybe," I quietly said feeling small and vulnerable

"Alright then let me help you pack?" She offered watching my every move with calculating eyes like she knew something I didn't.

"Thanks," I mumbled feeling like the walls were closing around me as I hugged myself breathing heavily. It didn't take us long to make sure we had everything we needed before we were on our way again.

"Bye," dad and I waved to Lila and Grandma who stood in the front gate waving back at us.

We got onto the rocky road making our way to God knows where because my dad didn't tell me where we were going no matter how many times I asked. It was unnerving in the car alone with nothing but the sound of the radio occupying the awkward silence surrounding us, just to test my limits the song lonely by Akon started playing and it hit way too close to home as I listened closely to the lyrics realizing how lonely I was considering I had no friends, my closest companion being the old lady next door and Clare. I truly made my life so depressing no thanks to my social anxiety, damn it wouldn't let me go out without having a mini heart attack. But lately, since that night, I have been extra jumpy and cautious of every man that comes near me even if their skin skims mine I freeze on the spot as goosebumps litter my body.

It was honestly infuriating that my body froze like that in absolute fear considering there were more male students in my school than females, it was suffocating to have to feel like this every time I went to school always on high alert, eyes darting at every male that nears me. For one day I would kill to just have a moment of absolute serenity and just have a normal day without having a breakdown.

"Belle," I faintly heard my dad say shaking my shoulder lightly, my nerves skyrocketed at the mere touch scooting quickly away from him. Turned out while my mind was creating dangerous scenarios I had been unintentionally scratching my arm raw with my nails.

"Yes," I timidly said only now feeling the sting on my arm

"Breath it's ok," He gently said putting his emergency lights on before stopping on the side of the road. Why did people always assume saying that helped didnt in my case it made things harder for me treating me like I was mentally challenged. If I didnt know how to breathe I wouldn't be alive right about now and I knew he was just trying to help but I've had it with the pity party just let me be and figure out my s**t if I need your help I would ask.

"Belle breath," he said once more squeezing my hand gently

Wrong move, very wrong move

I slapped his hand away like it was in fire, my heartbeat out of control.

"Sorry," he apologised removing his hand to place it on his lap

"No I'm sorry," I weakly said trying to calm my racing heart, I felt trapped, claustrophobic in the small spaced car and even having all the windows open for some fresh air didn't help me in the slightest. I quickly got out of the car hunching over and taking a deep breath.

It's ok it's ok it's ok

I chanted over and over in my head till I stopped shaking and could think clearly without being back in that ally. I felt bad for the way I reacted but it was a natural reaction I got every time someone touched me, I was finally getting back to reality and coming to terms with what happened but with everyone poking and prodding me waiting for me to break was aggravating me to no point. Why couldn't we just pretend that night never happened, go on with our normal lives, it's not like I became disabled all of a sudden so why did everyone treat me like that.

Not everyone

"Here," I heard my dad say next to me keeping his distance while holding a bottle of water out for me.

"Thank you," I said taking the bottle without touching his hand. I didn't realize how thirsty I was till I gulped the entire bottle in a matter of seconds. I sighed in relief once my body cooled down and my mind was no longer a moving maze.

"Feeling better?" Dad asked me with concern written on his face.

"Much better thank you," I quietly said looking down at my feet in shame for the way I acted

"How about we take a walk might help clear your mind," he offered

"To where?" I asked finally catching his worried eyes

"Just along the road," He said locking the car

"Ok," I said anxiously squashing the plastic bottle in my hand like a stress ball. He began walking ahead and I followed a couple of steps behind, trees stretched as far as the eye could see with the road separating the forest. I took a moment to take in the beautiful scene breathing in the fresh air and taking in the warm rays of the sun

"You can walk next to me you know I don't bite," dad brought me out of my trance

"I know," I said keeping the same distance between us as before. From behind he looked massive and intimidating like make one wrong move and he'd squash you like a fly. Compared to him I was a fly, tiny, weak and unwanted it made sense that I stayed clear of him he could practically be sending me to be slaughtered for all I knew. Who knows he might get tired of playing daddy dearest and go back to his old ways it was uncertain which is what scared me the most so I kept my distance just waiting for him to go back to his old ways so things could go back to normal. When he ignored my existence, back to when I was practically invisible at school getting annoyed by the most popular girl in the senior grades.

Change wasn't my strong suit so I was struggling to come to terms with the big changes in my life and forcing myself to accept what happened was just my way of trying to cope with things.

"Watch out for the rock" Dad suddenly said

"The what?" I asked getting out of my head but it was too late I ended up tripping on a big rock but when I embraced for the impact it never came. My dad ended up catching me around the waist before my face could hit the ground, his arm held me upright firmly with his fingers digging into one of my wounds.

"Ouch," I cried standing up quickly rubbing my sore side

"s**t I'm so sorry," he apologized repeatedly not sure what to do since he didn't want to touch me and hurt me further.

"It's fine," I cringed inwardly as my wound burned

"Let me see," he requested worriedly, I awkwardly locked eyes with him before slowly lifting my shirt to reveal the wound opened up slightly but nothing too serious.

"Jesus," dad cursed under his breath seeing all the wounds on my stomach as he watched a trail of blood dribble down the side. I wiped it away with my shirt before putting back the bandage over the wound feeling slightly insecure about all the scars littering my stomach.

"It's fine," I mumbled pulling my shirt back down

"Nothing about this is fine Belle, how do you not understand that!" He yelled making me jump on the spot from his sudden change of attitude, he looked angry way too angry for my liking.

"And I'm not going to apologize for yelling, you need to wake up and realise what happened is not ok in the slightest. You should be angry at the world so why aren't you?" He asked outraged.

I nearly laughed out loud at that stupid question, of course, I was angry at the world furious in fact but I just knew how to keep it under wraps. How not to let my emotions get out of control because if they did I would be considered crazy considering the things I would do if I let my anger out, the world would feel my wrath and that would just end me up in jail or a mental hospital. I was most of all scared to finally realize that what happened to me might as well happen again if I don't be careful, that I had to fear for my own life every night I went out and especially the fact that this happened to a lot of girls out there in the world. What happened, happened so better get over it than dwell in the past and let it consume me.

I let the awkward silence hang looking down at the ground not sure what to say. He sighed heavily rubbing his forehead, he looked stressed for no reason my problems were my own so why he was stressing over something that had nothing to do with him was stupid, if anyone should be stressed it should be me. I stressed because I held a lot of anger in my heart and it was slowly poisoning me from the inside out and it was only a matter of time before it got unleashed and I do something regrettable.

"I think this is enough fresh air, for now, let's head back on the road," He sighed eyeing me cautiously. I merely nodded weakly before heading back to the car with my head racing a mile second but all I wanted to do was sleep. We got back on the road with the radio filling the awkward silence, I spend the rest of the ride staring out the window watching the trees pass by while I was stuck in my head.

"Belle?" Dad called me

"Mhm," I hummed not paying attention to him

"What's on your mind?" He asked keeping his eyes on the road, I wasn't sure how to answer that question. I had a lot of things running through my mind most not child friendly let alone something I would discuss with my dad like the fact that I had a lump in my throat and felt like jumping out of the moving car.

"Pizza," I randomly said just to give him an answer but now that I said it I started craving it.

"Want some?" He asked

"Yes please," I politely said feeling like a little kid who got asked if they wanted to get ice cream, I went back into my shell till we arrived at the garage. I didn't go inside so I stayed in the car listening to the radio while my mind wondered more specifically to the fact why we were going camping my dad hated camping. Whenever we did go when I was younger it was mainly my mom and I having fun while my dad was always on his laptop and phone with his mini pocket wifi complaining about every little thing. It made no sense why we were here in the first place it was a waste of everyone's time, I was sure as hell didn't have the time for this when I had a mountain of work and essays to complete before Monday.

School never had any mercy for anyone even if you were on your death bed and they sure as hell didn't have mercy on me.

"Pepperoni pizza red hot from the oven," dad said once he got back into the car

"Yummy," I hummed at the alluring smell feeling my stomach growl in hunger. I didn't even waste a second before practically inhaling the pizza before we even left the garage.

"Hungry huh?" Dad chuckled watching me stuff my face

"Mhm," I said with a mouth full of food, I didn't realise how hungry I was until I ate three large pieces of pizza.

"Sweet baby Jesus," I sighed in content drinking my Fanta

"You liked it I'm guessing?" Dad chuckled

"It was divine thank you," I happily said

"You're most welcome," he beamed eating the last two slices with one hand while the other was on the road, comfortable silence surrounded us before we hit the road on the trek to our usual camping spot in Mossel Bay where have been going since I could remember every holiday.