Top Ten

ONE

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I can still feel it on my skin.

My fingers lightly touch it. The sensitive spot glowing red and purple in the shape of uneven teeth marks, that didn’t sting or hurt in any way but I could still feel it there. I could still feel the pair of lips that left it there, and I wonder if it’s as noticeable as it feels.

In the rear view mirror, I look to find it as bright in colour as it is prominent. Right under my jaw, situating itself to the left of my treacha, screaming to the world and everyone around ′someone was here’. Indeed, someone was, but I didn’t think they would leave a mark this bad. I didn’t take into account that when they were trailing kisses down my neck that I would be so nervous under their touch it would render me helpless in feeling the moment when their lips parted and their teeth connected to skin. I had been careless. Now I had to live with the consequence of having it on display.

I had tried various methods to get rid of it, including some farfetched answers like scratching at it with a toothbrush and a painful method known as ′scraping’. For sure, I would have thought an ice cube would have made it less noticeable if I held it to my skin long enough, but that only seemed to brighten the colour more. Even though I wanted to get rid of it as quickly as possible, it seemed nothing was going to allow me that freedom from the judgement and questions I would surely receive, and with that I pulled back onto the highway and continued driving.

But my heart wouldn’t stop pounding. My chest was tight with the pressure of dread weighing it down. I was sweating, even in the air conditioning of my car, like there was no other way for certain I could cover up my shame and I had to live with it one way or another. I was branded with indecency from the moment I let my guard down, and as if leaving that behind wasn’t enough, I had to take it with me in the form of a protrusive hickey.

I didn’t know how I was going to explain this to Miles. I wondered if he would even notice, or if he would ignore it like I was trying to. Would he question it? And if he did, what would he say? Would he get mad? Upset? Laugh it off? It was almost always impossible to tell, for dating him had gotten me nowhere on the scale of trying to figure him out.

And now I was headed towards his house; a beautiful ten-acre property in Grose Vale. Surrounded by trees, a wide open space with no one to disturb you. It was something I considered a blessing when visiting, though Miles often thought otherwise. He didn’t really see the beauty in his home, or the magic in the sky when so many stars sparkled and light pollution was the furthest from our minds. He just saw it as a place to come back to everyday whenever he went out, and the place where all his games and consoles were.

Or maybe he did see something nice about this place, but was just never willing to share.

Still, I enjoyed visiting when I could. It was a welcoming change from living in a city that’s most noticeable attraction was a tower in the shape of a giant wang. Newcastle had its perks, but I always had to guess if there were bigger and better things beyond the horizon. It must have been why I was so drawn to the idea of dating Miles. The weekends I got away from my hometown were like mini holidays away from everyone I knew. The constant fright of running into someone I knew held me back from stepping outside, and on the off chance I had a day off from work I would spend it at home. Until I started talking to Miles again, and then everything fell into place.

And then everything had fallen out of place, like a jigsaw in a cracked frame. Piece by piece was cut away, and I didn’t see then what I saw now, but I woke up and realised what I was doing before I could stop myself from doing it.

I didn’t want to hurt Miles. He was sweet, in his own sense. Sure, he was considerably stubborn, and difficult to read on occasion. But he had a soft side to him, and that was the side I fell for. Selfishly, it was the side I was holding onto. I couldn’t let go of someone like that who was as kind and caring as he was.

Which was why it made me so nervous to drive down the 500 metre driveway of his homestead. Many a time I had done this without fear, but since I was now branded in broad daylight, my stomach was doing flips while my heart was trying to toss itself out of my chest. I was frightened. But I remained calm. I just hoped, and hoped, and hoped he wouldn’t see the mess I was trying to cover up.

He was sitting on the porch steps as my car approached the house. Long hair covered his face while he stared down at his hands in between his legs at the phone he held, the light illuminating on his facial features. As the crunch of gravel caught his ears, he looked up, a smile so bright he could have lit up the dark shadows that dawn was threatening to cover over us. I pulled over to the side of the driveway, parking in my usual spot under an oak tree, and he bounded over, with excitement in his step, holding his brown leather jacket around his body.

Before I could even reach for the handle, he had already opened the door, smiling down on me as I glanced up and forced a smile of my own.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi,” I replied, running my fingers through my hair, shaping it around my shoulders. Whether or not he already saw the hickey was one thing, but I wasn’t doing myself any favours by leaving it exposed. Being in his presence was enough of a risk I was willing to take.

Grabbing my overnight bag from the passenger seat, I climbed out from my little Holden Barina, stepping aside as Miles closed the door. The warm, summer air began to sweep through the property, rustling the trees and bushes surrounding us as we made our way toward the front door. Goosebumps formed on my skin, despite the 23 degree weather, and my body heat was already on the rise with the embarrassment and shame I continued to feel.

“Was the drive down okay?” Miles asked as he climbed up the steps, not even looking over his shoulder towards me as I followed.

“Uh, yeah,” I answered, hoping it wasn’t obvious that I was lying.

“What took you so long, anyway?” He asked, and I still heard the smile on his lips. “Was traffic that bad?”

“Oh...yeah, it was pretty backed up.” Lies may often have the ability to deter the truth, but they were also useful in covering it up. It was an automatic reaction to a planned action and now I had to cover up every possible scenario that would lead the truth astray.

But it wasn’t like I was trying to hide the fact that I was with someone. I was desperate not to upset Miles. Because in a small, remorseful pang of truth, I still loved him. And loving someone means hiding as much as you can of the truth in order to keep them from getting hurt. He was sure to hurt if he found out where I was, where I spent the night, and even most of all it would kill him if he knew who I was seeing.

Because, admittedly, I did see a future for us. It was bleak, and hazy, but it was there. No amount of truth could cover that. But the one thing that did was that curiosity and yearning for something bigger, something greater. Which was why I didn’t plan on letting him know why I was late, why I had to lie through my teeth and why I was anxiously covering up the bruise on my neck. I was reaching for something more exciting and powerful than love itself.

It was why I kept my mouth shut. It was why I didn’t mention a thing to him. As much as I trusted Miles, and as grateful as I was for his kindness and his endearment towards me, I couldn’t let him know everything. He couldn’t know about my night. He couldn’t know about the bruise on my neck.

And he certainly couldn’t know about his best friend, whom I saw only hours prior to driving out to see him.

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