Love Me From Yesterday

Chapter 1 - Louis' POV

Friday, exactly 6:45 PM, nandoon ako, sitting in the hot seat I never thought I'd be on so early in age. Yung feeling na nagmamadali yung iba makauwi galing sa work nila, and there's me, wishing that I could pause the time in an instant. I just wanted to at least collect myself before hearing that news but I was never given the chance to do so.

Again I was there, nakayuko sa kinauupuan ko, unconsciously boring holes at the floor.

I sighed.

I looked at him and impassively asked, "So how long?"

It was ridiculous. A nonsense I should've heard at the very end.

"I'm really sorry about this, Louis. Based from all the tests we've performed, there's a tum-."

I am 24, a healthy young lady. Wala akong bisyo like smoking or alcohol. I've been a vegetarian for almost 9 years and what nonsense is he telling me right now? Galit na galit ako, in fact. I was so furious na wala akong mailabasan ng galit ko.

Again, I sighed. But this time, it was too deep and it was so noticeable that I was very angry.

I reiterated, "Can we please cut to chase and tell me how long ako tatagal."

I took a breath, calmed myself and added, "How many months left do I have, doc?"

"Calm down, Louis. I don't want to deliver this news to you either. But what can I do? I am your attending physician."

Hindi ko mapigilan yung sarili ko. I wasn't sad but somehow angry. Imagine making yourself healthier and meticulously avoiding all of the bad habits but then all of a sudden this? I wanted to cry pero wala, not a single tear was formed.

I was deep inside my thoughts. Nahimasmasan na lang ako ng bigla siyang nagsalita.

"1 year," bulong niya.

Hearing that, my heart dropped. Para akong binuhusan ng kumukulong tubig, no warnings. Ang sakit, sobra.

I was trembling. I hugged myself and started calming myself down. Again, I was too deep in my thoughts. Madaming pumapasok sa isip ko. I didn't even realize that I was chuckling for a brief few seconds.

Thinking about it, doon ko bigla narealize na yes, I'm dying.

"That's the maximum amount of time that you have left. Unless you undergo surgery, with that we can at least extend your life by another year, but the risk is too high and the success rate is below 5%. This needs to be done as well sa ibang bansa since we totally lack the equipment to even do this type of surgery. I can immediately schedule you with someone from our affiliated hospital para mapaaga yung ope-."

I immediately stopped him from saying anything further, "No. I won't do that."

"I'm sorry?"

"I said I wouldn't do it, the surgery."

I looked at him and, for whatever reason, I smiled. It was the gentlest smile I ever gave.

"Pero Louis, with this we can at least exte-."

"Doc, please, uhmm?"

Nagkatinginan na lang kami. I looked straight at him and I knew in an instant how sorry he was for such a situation to happen and I really appreciated that.

"The success rate is 5% at max and doc, should I call you tito? I don't want to risk it just for a year na hindi naman guaranteed. It's all the same naman in the end..."

Again, I smiled at him. I was angry at first, but hearing that I have a year left, it didn't last that long. I felt relief for some unknown reasons.

"I am going to die in the happiest way I could possibly be. That's what I want to do."

One thing came into my mind. I will do all the things that I want, and die the way I want. I could even die before my illness, but so what? At least I had the chance to choose how I will die and I will definitely do that.

With all of that, I never cried or teared up, mesmerizing, but that's how I am I guess.

Tinignan ko si tito sa mga mata niya, dama ko pa din yung mga binitawan niyang salita but I chose to be fearless this time.

"Tito, again, I don't want this surgery."

Napatayo bigla si tito at hindi na siya nakapagpigil.

"But Louis, do you really have to do this? How about your mom, your dad? Si Lart? Do you really have the guts to leave them?"

Hearing that, it left a very bad taste in my mouth. Napatingin na lang ako sa kanya and I knew he knew how irritated I am to him as of that moment.

"We should tell your mom and dad about this. They have the righ-."

I cut him off and threatened him, "Tito please, don't. Meron tayong patient-doctor confidentiality and once makarating to kanila mom and dad, I'm suing."

"What?!"

Medyo nagulat si tito sa mga narinig niya coming from me. It was the first time I fought back as well. To him, I was like a cute little princess he spoiled when I was young, but not anymore. We were very close to each other, and this is the first time we actually had a big fight.

"You know them, right, tito?"

"But Louis..."

"Tito, all my life I wanted to be loved by them or at least be noticed by them. Ginawa ko lahat, lahat ng makakaya ko but you know right? You know how they treated me, right? When I was at my lowest, I knelt and begged them. But guess what? They ignored me, they didn't even think about it, not for a second."

"They will understand Louis. This is a matter of-."

"Tito please. The moment Lart was born, the attention and care all went to her. She was born very frail and weak and because of that, they treated me like a pushover kase alam nila, I am healthy, wala akong sakit, so, therefore, I am fine. Someone who is fine doesn't need the attention and care, ganun sila mag-isip tito," medyo madamdamin kong sabi.

"I acted sick several times excitedly waiting for the door in my room to open up, pero hindi siya bumukas. I was there, in that cold room several times, nakangiti na parang tanga. I am just so tired playing their game tito. I tried to understand, but the more I thought about it, the more strange they became. And as time passed by, that's where I realize."

"Hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga ako sa kanila."

In the end, walang nagawa si tito. Alam ko na alam ni tito lahat ng mga sinasabi ko. Ever since I was a child, si tito yung takbuhan ko. I spent all my childhood and teenage days with tito, not my parents. I know that tito saw what was happening before and I still remember how he first approached me. Nakayuko ako sa sulok and from there, he approached me with his gentle hands.

Just like now, those hands slowly reached mine and I could feel the same warmth he had from before.

"Louis, alam mo naman na I already considered you as my daughter, right? If I am the one to beg you, would you change your mind?"

"I'm sorry, tito. Pagod na pagod na ako. I at least want to do all the things that I want to do. Would you just let me die in peace?"

I can see how helpless he was. Alam kong mahirap but he finally agreed to what I wanted. May kinuha siya bigla sa left side ng desk niya at binigay niya ito sa akin.

It was a bottle of medicine.

"If you want to do this, you should at least know what's coming for you, right?"

I nodded with a smile of relief.

"Your illness will start with constant headaches. Take this medicine every time your head starts to ache. Based on a certain study, this will last for 2-3 months, then after that, as the tumor grows, you'll gradually lose all of your senses; touch, smell, taste, hearing, sight, it's random. It can happen anywhere at any time. It's a very rare condition and I don't want you to experience such hell. If you change your mind, just tell me and I will immediately schedule that operation for you, okay?"

"I understand."

I stood up from my seat at niyakap si tito ng napakahigpit. He hugged me back and I can feel how aching he was from this situation.

"I should go now, tito," I smiled as I started walking out of the room.

"Give me a call when you're home, okay?" Tito smiled back and I could see how shaky it was.

As I opened the door, nagulat ako as there was a person in front of it. I bumped into his chest, at nalaglag yung hawak kong gamot.

"I am sorry. I'm trying to knock pero di ko akalain na magbubukas yung door," he awkwardly reasoned out.

He picked up the bottle and tinitigan niya ito for a bit before niya ibigay sa akin.

"Here you go."

"Thanks," I had my head lowered down and immediately left.