Love Me From Yesterday

Chapter 5 - Louis' POV

Mugto na yung mga mata ko after kong umiyak ng isang katerbang luha. The last time I cried a lot like this was probably when I heard na niloloko lang ako nila Brando at Kiara. All I wanted was affection. I craved for that for a very long time. Hindi ko siya nakuha sa family ko that's why I tried searching for it from someone else. Pero like before, nothing changed. Ako nalang lagi yung nagbibigay. I gave everything; money, time, affection. Pero, in the end, hindi pa rin yun sapat.

I laid down on my bed and stared at the blank space. I really went through a lot today. That's probably why I cried, hindi ko kinaya yung back to back na emosyon.

I closed my eyes and how blissful it was to hear the serene silence. If I die, ganito din ba yung pakiramdam? How relieved I am if that's the case then.

That silence continued from seconds to minutes. I was going into a light trance nang bigla akong naalimpungatan sa tunog ng cellphone ko. Someone was calling and I already knew kung sino yung tumatawag.

I really didn't want to pick it up, but I had no choice but to do so. If hindi ko sasagutin yung tawag, panigurado magsesend sila ng guards para manmanan yung bawat galaw ko. And based on my experience, I really do not want that.

I picked up the call and immediately responded in my usual monotonous voice, "Hello?"

"Uhm miss. Ako to si Chloe, kasambahay po ninyo."

"Bakit po kayo napatawag ate?"

"Miss, pinapasabi daw po ng daddy ninyo kung pwede daw po umuwi daw po muna kayo dito sa bahay. May sasabihin daw po siya sa inyo."

"Okay po ate."

The call dropped, just like that. I at least expected them to call personally pero mukhang naghangad naman ako ng napakalaki. Matagal na akong hindi nag-expect ng malaki sa kanila, but there's still this lingering feeling na baka magbago ang ihip ng panahon at bigyan naman nila ako ng pansin. In the end, I'm still that same child craving for the affection of her mom and dad. Pathetic to hear, but, I think I grew up only wanting that.

I stood up, took a shower and fixed myself. I at least wanted to be presentable when in front of them. Ayoko din ipahalata sa kanila na umiyak ako. As they always say, big girls don't cry. Ikaw ang ate kaya dapat mong maintindihan ang sitwasyon ng kapatid mo. Yes, I pity my younger sister and I do not hold any kind of grudge against her. I'm just jealous since she grew up with what I desired the most in the entire world. I'm the older sister kaya dapat ako yung nakakaintindi. I grew up with this kind of mindset and I really didn't know up till when I would continue being this understanding. That thought slowly faded away as I matured by only relying on myself. Love is just an expensive privilege that even me, born with a golden spoon, can't even have.

Nakarating ako sa bahay ng parents ko after an hour. I stood there outside of the gate staring at the emptiness of the house.

"It's been two years pero wala pa ring pinagbago," I mumbled. "How very unwelcoming."

Pumasok ako sa loob ng bahay at still ganun pa din, wala pa ding pinagbago. The wide foyer will greet you with heavy, unbearable silence.

I browsed my way inside and glanced at my father's somehow weird hobby, collecting antiques. Paintings, pottery, sculptures; he had it all.

"To think he loved his beloved antiques more than his daughter, how amazing," bulong ko sa sarili ko.

I was startled when I heard someone from upstairs.

"You're here," it was my dad.

Again, walang pinagbago. The way he looked at me as if I was somebody's child. Those same dreary eyes of his that were full of contempt never changed at all. Before, I kept telling myself that there would be a time where those same eyes would look at me differently. I only have a year left and, I guess that time will never come.

"Come to my office now," he added sabay balik sa office niya.

Wala man lang 'hello' or 'kamusta ka na' akong narinig. For him, as if it was purely business.

With him calling me, a fillial daughter of his, sumunod naman ako sa kanya. I entered his moldy-looking office and sat down on one of the chairs inside.

"It's been two years, right dad?" I tried talking to him like a concerned daughter. "Hindi mo man lang ba ako kakamustahin?"

He pierced a look at me directly at me, and again with that same look, he answered, "Why would I be concerned, when in fact you're the one who left on your own."

I smiled a bit, "I'm at least your daughter, right? That's what I'm still thinking."

"You're right. And since you're my daughter, alam mong meron kang mga responsibilidad na dapat gampanan," he crossed his arms and sat comfortably on his chair. "You don't need to ask anything, just come here at this place, at this time and meet him there."

He handed me a piece of paper with the name of the place and the time of the meeting.

"Ano to?" tanong ko.

"As I said, you don't need to ask anything. Just go there on time. You can go now."

I was speechless. To think that he would call me at this dreary place just to hand me this piece of garbage when he could just text me the date and location.

"Did you really call me here just for this?!" I blurted out.

"Yes, that's right. Bakit? Did you expect anything else?"

I sneered at all of this nonsense that was happening. Since he wanted me out of his precious office, I stood up, stomped my feet as I left the room. Before I completely left, tinanong ko siya, "If I were to die a year from now, what would you do?"

His response made my eyes wide open in surprise. Although faint, I could hear his soft snickers as if that was something that would never happen.

"Ikaw? Mamatay? You're healthy as a bull. Bakit ka naman mamatay?"

"Then let me rephrase it for you, what if Lart were to die a year from now, what would you do?"

His mood turned sour in an instant.

"Louis!" he yelled. "You already know your sister's condition and still nagagawa mo pa magbiro ng ganyan?! Do you really want her dead?!"

Yes, ito yun. Ganito lagi yun. If Lart entered the picture, everything, everyone would revolve around her. As if Lart's the only precious one they had. Naiintindihan ko naman since she was born very fragile pero paano naman ako? Hindi sa lahat ng oras ako yung laging umiintindi. Napapagod din ako. And with this, I totally lost interest. Bahala na kayo.

I raised the piece of paper he handed me and said, "I don't know if I have the time pero still, I'll try," as I left the room.

Pababa na ako ng stairs ng nakita ko si Mom nag-aantay sa baba. She approached me as soon as I came down and greeted me with her usual smile.

"Louis, aalis ka na?" she asked. "Wala pa si Lart eh. Hindi pa siya nakakauwi galing school. Can you wait for her at least? Matagal ka na gusto makita ng kapatid mo."

"Pati ba naman ikaw, ma? Hindi mo rin ba ako tatanungin kung okay lang ako?"

Hinawakan niya yung mga kamay ko at hinaplos hapos like what she always did before.

"You're healthy, so why would I worry about you? Alam ko namang okay ka, pero yung kapatid mo. Buong araw siyang nakahiga sa kama niya nung isang araw. All she wanted was to see you. Can you wait for her at least, please?"

Ah, I'm so done with this family. I threw her hands away from me and since I used a bit of force, she ended up falling from her place. The moment she mumbled Lart's name, I felt disgusted by her touch. Everyone in this house, puro na lang Lart, Lart, Lart. Walang katapusang Lart. I'm so freaking tired of everything. I shouldn't have come here. They never thought of me at all.

As I saw her fall, tinignan ko lang siya without saying anything. For the past years, I have waited for them to be worried about me at least once. Still nothing, ang manhid nila sobra. They never thought their words would end up killing me one day.

Without any care, umalis na ako sa bahay na yun. It was stuffy the entire time I was inside. I never looked back and just continued my way out.

I went back to my residence, a place I can clearly call mine. Even though walang kasama, the silence within greatly gave me peace and serenity. I usually use the stairs but this time, since I don't have any energy left, I decided to take the elevator. The elevator door opened and someone familiar was standing in front of my apartment door.

"Ate!" she yelled with such innocence as she ran in my direction.

"Lart?"

She hugged me and gave me the warmest smile. Even though she's partially the reason for my suffering, the one who stole everything from me, I really can't dare to truly hate this girl. She's my younger sister and she's the only one who's concerned about me. That's why I wouldn't say anything to her about my condition. I can't dare to see her anguished face when I am knocking at heaven's door. I will never let her see me dying, never.