A Love Left Behind

Chapter 6 - A Place of Our Own

For a long time, I thought adults always knew what they were doing. My father certainly looked like he did. He went to work every morning, picked us up from school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, made dinner, helped me with my homework and somehow always knew when I was about to get into trouble. When Mum travelled for work, he stayed at the house with us. When she came home, he returned to his apartment. It was simply how things worked.

I never questioned it.

Rea was part of our lives, too, although she didn't live with Dad. Sometimes we saw her at his apartment, sometimes we spent an afternoon together, and every summer we went to Istria. I loved those summers. Chloe did too, even if she didn't always admit it.

Back then, I didn't understand that Rea wanted something more.

Not more from us.

More from Dad.

One afternoon, I was sitting on the floor of Dad's apartment, building a castle out of Lego while Rea was in the kitchen. Dad was sitting at the table with his laptop open, staring at the screen without really looking at it.

“Dad?”

“Hmm?”

“Look.”

I held up two Lego figures.

“This is you.”

He smiled.

“Very accurate.”

I put another figure beside them.

“And this is me.”

“Very accurate.”

I searched through the pile.

“Where's Chloe?”

“She'll be offended.”

“She has hair like this one.”

I held up a figure with long yellow hair.

Dad laughed.

Rea came back from the kitchen carrying two glasses of water.

“What are you two laughing about?”

“Damian is creating a Lego version of our family.”

Rea sat down beside me.

“Really?”

I nodded seriously.

“You're here.”

She looked at the little figure.

“I see.”

“Dad is here too.”

“And Chloe?”

I shrugged.

“She’s somewhere.”

Rea smiled.

For a moment, everything felt simple.

It usually did when she was with us.

I didn't know that while I was building my little family out of plastic bricks, the adults were trying to figure out what their real one was supposed to look like.

I remember one evening particularly well. Dad and Rea thought Chloe and I were asleep.

We weren't.

At least, I wasn't.

I was lying on the sofa under a blanket, pretending to sleep while watching television with the volume turned almost completely down. I heard their voices from the kitchen.

They weren't arguing.

That was what made it strange.

Rea sounded quiet.

“I don't want you to feel like you have to choose.”

Dad didn't answer.

“I know how important they are to you.”

“They're my children.”

“I know.”

There was a pause.

Then Rea said, “But you can't spend the rest of your life living between two places.”

I didn't understand what she meant.

Dad sighed.

“I don't know how to make this work.”

“You don't have to solve everything tonight.”

Another pause.

Then Rea said something I didn't understand at all.

“What if we had a place of our own?”

I stopped pretending to be asleep.

Dad didn't say anything for several seconds.

“A place for us,” Rea continued. “Not instead of them. Not instead of their home. Just something that belongs to us.”

I didn't know why Dad sounded so sad when he finally answered.

“I want that.”

“Then why does it sound like you're afraid?”

“Because I am.”

I heard a chair move.

Rea didn't say anything for a while.

Then she said softly, “I'm not asking you to choose between us.”

“I know.”

“I just don't want to spend my life waiting for a life that may never come.”

I didn't understand those words either.

But I remembered them.

For years, I remembered them without knowing why.

The next morning, Dad behaved as if nothing had happened. He made pancakes. I ate three. Chloe complained that I was taking all the chocolate sauce. Dad told me to leave some for my sister. Rea laughed.

Everything looked normal.

But something had changed.

I didn't know what it was. I only knew that Dad seemed to look at Rea differently that morning. Not more lovingly. He had always looked at her that way. It was something else.

Something that looked a little like hope.

A few weeks later, Rea took me to look at an apartment.

I thought we were just going for a walk until she stopped in front of a small building in a quiet street.

“Is this your house?”

Rea smiled.

“No. We're thinking about renting the apartment upstairs.”

“Why don't you buy one?”

She laughed softly.

“Because I don't want to buy a house.”

I looked at her, confused.

“But everyone wants their own house.”

“Maybe one day.”

“When?”

She thought about it for a moment.

“When I have a family of my own.”

I frowned.

“But you have us.”

Her smile changed slightly.

“I know.”

“Then we're your family.”

Rea crouched down so she was at my eye level.

“You are very special to me, Damian. But you already have a home. I would never want you or Chloe to feel like I was trying to replace anything.”

I looked at the building.

“It's small.”

“Yes.”

“Where would I sleep?”

She smiled.

“If you ever stay here, we'll find a place for you.”

“And Chloe?”

“Of course. For both of you.”

I thought about it.

Then I asked, “Why don't you get a bigger apartment?”

Rea glanced toward the windows upstairs.

“Because I don't need a big one.”

“But Dad has a big apartment.”

“I know.”

“Then you should have a big one too.”

She laughed softly.

“Maybe someday.”

I didn't understand why she seemed so certain about not wanting more.

Years later, I understood.

She wasn't trying to build a life that competed with the one we already had with our mother. She didn't want a bigger home, a better home or anything that could make Maxime feel as though she was being replaced.

Rea wanted something small.

Something simple.

Something that belonged to her and Dad.

Not a replacement for our family.

Just a place where their love could exist.

And perhaps that was the most Rea thing about her.

She never needed to take someone else's place to know that she deserved one of her own.

At five, I didn't know any of that.

I only knew that Dad seemed happier when Rea was around.

I knew that she made him laugh.

I knew that she listened when he spoke.

And I knew that whenever she held my hand, I felt safe.

The adults could worry about the rest.

For me, the little apartment was simply another place where people I loved could be together.

I didn't know yet that it would become the beginning of something that would change our family forever.