Waves of Fear

Chapter 10 : Setbacks

The next morning, Emma woke to the familiar sensation of dread in her chest. She had been doing so well recently, but today felt different. The lightness she had felt the night before had disappeared, replaced by a heavy weight pressing down on her. She lay in bed for a few moments, hoping the feeling would pass, but it didn’t.

Emma’s breath quickened, and she could feel the tightness creeping up her throat. It was as if her body had been waiting for this moment to remind her that the anxiety hadn’t disappeared—it had only been lurking in the background.

She rolled over in bed and stared at the ceiling, trying to calm herself. The techniques Dr. Patel had taught her flashed through her mind. Breathe. Focus on the present moment. Ground yourself. But it was harder today. Harder than it had been in weeks.

After a few minutes, Emma forced herself to sit up. It was a Saturday, so at least she didn’t have to worry about work. But that also meant she had more time to be alone with her thoughts, which sometimes felt like a double-edged sword. She glanced at her phone, seeing a message from Sarah about their plans for the day.

Hey! You up for brunch? There’s this new place by the river I want to try!

Emma stared at the message for a long time. Part of her wanted to cancel, to spend the day in bed, hiding from the world. But she knew that wasn’t the answer. Sarah had been one of her biggest supporters, and staying home would only give the anxiety more power.

Sure, she typed back, her fingers feeling heavy. I’ll meet you there at 11.

When Emma arrived at the café, Sarah was already waiting at a table by the window. The view of the Singapore River was beautiful, and the warm sunlight streaming in should have made Emma feel better. But as she sat down across from Sarah, the tightness in her chest remained.

“Hey, you okay?” Sarah asked, her brow furrowing in concern.

Emma forced a smile. “Yeah, just… not feeling great today.”

Sarah nodded knowingly. “One of those days?”

Emma sighed, grateful that she didn’t have to explain. Sarah had been there through it all, and she understood the unpredictable nature of panic disorder better than most.

“Yeah. It’s frustrating, you know? I’ve been doing so well, and then out of nowhere, I wake up feeling like this.” Emma toyed with the edge of the menu, trying to keep her hands busy.

Sarah reached across the table and gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. “It’s okay to have setbacks, Emma. You’ve made so much progress, but recovery isn’t a straight line. It’s okay to feel down sometimes.”

Emma nodded, though she still felt the weight of disappointment pressing down on her. She had hoped that the good days meant the worst was behind her, but today was a stark reminder that the journey wasn’t over yet.

Brunch was a quiet affair, with Emma picking at her food while Sarah chatted about her plans for the weekend. Normally, Emma would have been engaged in the conversation, but today she felt disconnected, as if there was a wall between her and the rest of the world. She hated feeling like this—like she was trapped in her own mind, unable to enjoy the moment.

After they finished eating, Sarah suggested a walk by the river. Emma hesitated, but she knew that staying active was better than going home to sit with her anxiety. The fresh air might help clear her head.

As they strolled along the riverbank, Sarah looped her arm through Emma’s and gave her a comforting smile. “You’re going to get through this, you know. It’s just a bad day. Tomorrow might be better.”

Emma nodded, but she wasn’t convinced. It was hard to see past the anxiety when it had its grip on her. But Sarah was right—she had survived bad days before, and she would survive this one too.

By the time Emma got home that afternoon, the anxiety had lessened slightly, though it still lingered like a shadow. She dropped her bag by the door and collapsed onto the couch, feeling exhausted. Panic attacks had a way of draining all her energy, even when they weren’t full-blown.

She glanced at her phone, half-expecting another message from Mark, but there was nothing. For once, the silence from work was a relief. She didn’t think she could handle any extra stress today.

Emma spent the rest of the afternoon in a haze, moving from one task to another without really focusing on anything. She tried reading, but the words on the page blurred together. She tried watching a show, but her mind kept wandering back to the tightness in her chest, the gnawing sensation that something wasn’t right.

By the evening, Emma knew she had to do something. She couldn’t let the anxiety win, not after all the progress she had made. She grabbed her phone and texted Dr. Patel, knowing that her therapist would have some words of wisdom.

Hi Dr. Patel, I’m having a rough day. I thought I was doing better, but the anxiety hit me hard this morning, and I’ve been struggling to shake it.

The response came quickly.

Hi Emma. I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough day, but remember, setbacks are normal. They don’t erase the progress you’ve made. Focus on what you can control right now. Have you tried your breathing exercises? Sometimes getting outside or journaling can help. And most importantly, be kind to yourself today.

Emma read the message twice, letting the words sink in. Be kind to yourself. It was something she often forgot to do. She was always so hard on herself, expecting perfection when it came to managing her panic disorder. But Dr. Patel was right—she needed to show herself the same compassion she would offer a friend.

She set the phone down and took a deep breath, deciding to follow Dr. Patel’s advice. She grabbed her journal from the coffee table and started writing, letting her thoughts spill onto the page. It wasn’t a cure, but it helped to get the emotions out of her head and onto paper.

By the time Emma finished journaling, the tightness in her chest had eased a little. She still felt the weight of the day, but the fog of anxiety had lifted just enough for her to see through it.

As she got ready for bed, she reminded herself that setbacks didn’t mean failure. Today had been hard, but she had made it through. Tomorrow was another day, and she would face it, one step at a time.

With that thought in mind, Emma climbed into bed, pulling the blankets up around her. The anxiety might still be there, but so was her strength. And as she drifted off to sleep, she clung to the knowledge that even on the darkest days, she was capable of moving forward.