I got You

Chapter 9

Marinela

How can one continue their life after losing their reason for living that life? It can’t happen. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t. Couldn’t get over it. There is nothing I can do, no one I can ask to bring them back anymore. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because there can’t be another way. If I knew he could bring them back somehow, I would have done anything to have them back and definitely wouldn’t have tried to burn him alive. But there was no other way. He got what he asked for. He got me...

At least that is what the old man said before he was two milliseconds away from pulling the trigger of the gun pointed at me. I had long before decided my life was not worth living anymore, and told him to go on, to do it. But I couldn’t go before I had another look at the stranger in front of me, the stranger who felt so distant and so close at the same time. It was something about the way he looked at me, the way he held my face in his hands that made me feel like my life was meaningful. The feeling was so strong that I wanted nothing at that moment, but to live.

And it happened. He made the first move and I instinctively grabbed the handle of the door behind him to help me escape. What happened next could only be explained as an earthquake hitting the earth. Though it wasn’t him dropping onto me on that hard cement that did that. It was the bullet he took for me. Not one, but two...or maybe more. Who knows if he didn’t take more after I left? Gosh...I could barely move my legs. It was all too much for me to digest...it still is.

Could it all have gone differently? Should I have stayed? Would he be alive if I did, or would we both have died? These questions never stopped haunting me. Was I wrong about him? Maybe. Will I ever find out, or make it up to him for what he did? Probably not. I am pretty sure he is gone too. Everyone connected to me somehow leaves because of me.

But, no one has to do that again. At least I am trying my best to not let it happen again. To stay away from everyone. For the last three months it’s all I have been doing. The little people I know think I am dead, burned alive with the rest of my family. I prefer to keep it that way for now. I haven’t got the strength to explain myself to anyone. To convince them I don’t need their help, because I don’t. I am good for now. And I know it is all pretending, it is not like any of them would let me stay in their house, or do more.

I didn’t understand at first what he meant in that parking when he said use what you can find and get as far away as u can. But once I entered the car, the key he gave me belonged to, it all became clear. That was his plan. Tobias planned to get me out of there. Inside his car were clothes that were going to fit me perfectly, shoes, food, money...lots of it and some more stuff. I don’t know what he planned on doing next, but he was there to help me get out. That didn’t mean he could be trusted just yet, but damn him, he took that bullet for me.

My head is a literal tornado. I have been trying to process everything that happened for a while, but only a tiny bit of it makes sense. Our house incident, my revenge plan, Tobias’ escape plan for me and... that’s it. The rest is still very unclear. He said I was collateral damage or something? No, he didn’t say I was at the wrong place in a wrong time. Instead, he said we were at the same time in the same place. I, looking for the Serbian motherfucker, and he looking for...

It can’t freaking be!

Was he after Sergei? Could it be? But why? Partners or enemies? If he was a partner of his, he would have met with him somewhere else, right? Then, enemies? Of course, it makes perfect sense. Sergei was on his own that night when I effortlessly burned his little shop to the ground. So, he wanted to catch him unprepared and off guard. I wink at myself and snap my fingers at the big realization I just came to.

Stupid should be my middle name. I made the fucker come there. Tobias couldn’t have known he was there. He was either not after him and I was wrong, or he was after him and simply followed him. Or he followed me to find him? Is that what happened? Did he think I was working for the motherfucker? But, how could he? I only ever saw the Serbian motherfucker once in my life, and never spoke to him again after that night. Could he have been following Sergei and saw us talking at that same place two weeks before I lost everything? That is actually logical. So, he actually planned on k********g me to get to Sergei, who didn’t give a f**k about me? Ah...that is funny. Sergei wasn’t going to come after me. Or was Tobias planning on making me work with him so he could get to him? All this tinkering is so tiring. f**k him, he is not even alive. He is gone, just like the Serbian fucker and my Martha...and mum.

Damn you, conscience!

My conscience is what brought me here. Back to the place where it ended, where our lives ended. Mine didn’t technically end but it is where it should have if it wasn’t for him.

I tried. I tried to do more than just be a ghost of the girl I was. I am not even that. Nothing I remember about myself is there. I am simply a body. Living in someone else’s car, spending someone else’s money, driving around the country with no plan on what to do next? I don’t think anyone would call that...a life? Would the cheap and crappy food I eat, the showers I take at charity organizations, or the sleep I get by sleeping in the driver’s seat of the car, be called living? I don’t think so.

Deep down I know it is not okay to do what I do. I shouldn’t be wasting someone else’s money like that, so I try to spend as little as possible. By eating simple food, by occupying as little space from the car as I can, I’m actually convincing myself the level of wrongness this s**t is at, would decrease. And yet, I don’t feel less guilty, but I can’t help it. Nothing can fill the empty space in my heart, nothing can make me leave this car and start a new beginning. I have thought about taking my life but...

He gave his own to save mine. No matter what his intentions were, he did it. I saw him. After that second shot, with each step I took, I knew he wasn’t going to move again. I was selfish to leave, but if I didn’t, we would have both been dead. Or maybe just me. Maybe I should have made him leave instead. I mean, what is the difference now? All that was powering my body after I lost my family was rage and a strong desire for revenge. They both disappeared when his killer confirmed the death of Sergei and I full heartedly decided to join him. But, instead of me joining him, Tobias did.

Going back there after what happened is probably not the best idea, but I feel like I need to go, or the guilt fuelling my body this time will end me for real. Maybe I will find something. The chances for that to happen three months later are quite microscopic, but I’m doing it anyway. It is not like I have got anything more to lose, have I?

Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s risky. That is why I am going to leave the car two streets away from the club and I am just going to have a quick look. Which is exactly what I do, and once I do that I realize I need to see more. Have I come to the wrong place? No, I’m sure this is the place I escaped from, but at the same time it isn’t.

What is an amusement park doing in there? Is someone playing with me? I need to have a closer look. Like now.

* * *

Once I pass the last of the equipment of the park for the tenth time, I can’t believe what I am seeing. Everything seems fine. Nothing is strange. There are families with kids and elders enjoying their time, having fun and laughing. In fact, it is too loud and noisy for me, I just can’t stand it. But it doesn’t matter. I am so shocked that I can’t leave earlier than I do. There are no bulky men with visible bulges either. Could it be that the owner of the club, whoever that was, just sold the place to someone else? Or is the park just a part of something bigger? Something I need to dig deeper to discover? But would it be worth it Marinela? I owe him my life, so yes, it will be. It will be much easier to know what really happened to him. I might even be able to move on and try to live the life he gave me.

My day ends just like every other day did in the last three months, thinking. This time I’m parked at the end of the road leading to the top of Vodno mountain. The city lights are on, the people are back in their homes, celebrating family life. It is nice to see how many happy people there are. Not everyone gets what I got, not everyone gets their life turned upside down, which makes me feel kind of happy and satisfied. There is something good in the world, I think before turning back from the cliff I came to and head towards the car. Driving down makes me remember my pain, over and over, but I ignore it. I need to find a safe place to park and end another day.

The next morning, I go to visit the park again, just like I do the morning after that one. I do that a couple more times, and I change the time of the day each time I do it.

I find nothing. But...I don’t stop. The last few times I focused on learning the staff routine. There are two men at the entrance, one is giving tickets in the form of wristbands, and the other one is checking for any prohibited stuff like weapons or sharp objects. There is also one man near every equipment making sure everyone is safe during the rides. A few places where food and drinks are being sold can be spotted, and three to five persons serve at each of those places. They all work in shifts. The park opens before noon and closes before midnight. Their shift change happens at five o’clock in the afternoon. I find nothing unusual about them, but there might be something off about the six people roaming the park dressed as characters from different cartoons and movies. They are there for the visitors to take photos with them, and they only come for a few hours every evening. I’m definitely paying closer attention to them for the next couple of days.

And I am wrong. They do nothing more but their job. I feel stuck. Can it really be that this park has nothing to do with the people who took me? Did I just waste my time coming back here over and over for the last week or so? Everything seems legit and upright. There is no point of coming back anymore. Today is going to be my last day here. No more happy faces and laughs. But not before I see those men. Maybe I’ll manage to see some of their faces when they finish with their job and change after closing time. Can’t get in trouble if I am barely noticeable, can I? Leaning on the barricade of the park, pretending to look at a copy of the map of the park sounded to me like a pretty good way to do that. But that was two minutes ago.

I totally regret it now. I should have hidden behind a car, because one of them actually noticed me. He is coming my way as I’m trying to decide how stupid I am from one to ten. No time for that. My heart starts racing, my breathing gets heavy, my legs get to the point of collapsing, but I have to find the strength to move. I leap off the metal bars, and start walking. Now my legs decide it’s a perfect time to practise for the marathon I’ll never attend, and I find myself running. The man starts running too, and I can’t feel anything else but my heartbeat right now. I am getting closer to the parking lot and all those scenes from every crime movie roll into my mind. It is always a parking lot where the victims get attacked, and my body shuts down. I can’t freaking move. But he surely can because the sound his shoes make starts to ring in my ears.

I can’t hear it anymore. He must be behind me. Any moment, I tell myself...any moment now you will be on the way to the hellhole you escaped from. f**k, I ain’t going there. And I really am not. When I turn, ready to fight, an empty street is all I get. Where did he go?

Did I made it all up?