Her Trauma, His Redemption

Chapter 19:The shatter between them

Jake walked into her room in slow quiet steps as if afraid to face her.

She was awake, but Jake could see she wasn't that excited to see him.

He swallowed as he stared at her. This was the same woman he was trying to avoid for the last couple of days. Yet he failed.

And now his actions have resulted into this.

The room was quiet.

He couldn't bring himself to speak and neither did she. She just looked at him, her eyes haunting him even with his own eyes open.

Jake had never been afraid of silence before, but the one stretching between him and Tiana felt like a blade pressed to his throat.

She sat on the couch, her knees drawn up, fingers twisting the blanket she had on her until her knuckles turned white.

Her hair had been brushed, her wounds cleaned but nothing could hide the tremor running through her and the look of anguish she had on.

Jake moved from the door to her window closing it before putting his hands in his pockets to keep himself from reaching for her, because every time he touched her, he wanted to pull her into his arms and never let go...

Tiana was the first to speak her voice thin.

"You're...you're avoiding me. "

Jake inhaled sharply. "I'm giving you space. "

"No, you've been distant, " her voice cracked. "You're running. "

His jaw tightened. "Tiana-"

"You think I can't see it?" She whispered, eyes burning. "Ever since I asked you to marry me, you've barely looked at me, you barely talk to me, you barely even stay. "

Jake turned away fingers curling into fists."You just got out of torture, Tiana. You were, drugged and terrified. And you get discharged and ask me to marry you. What was I supposed to do? Pretend like it wasn't trauma talking?"

The words hit Tiana like a slap. Her breath hitched, and she looked down, her throat moving around a swallow.

"So you are saying I didn't mean it?"

"I'm saying you are not in the right state of mind to know what you want."

"No," she said louder this time, a spark of anger breaking through the fear, the tension "Don't do that. Don't decide how I feel. Don't tell me I don't know my own heart. I might be broken, Jake. But I'm not emotionless not to feel anything. "

"I'm trying to protect you. " Jake groaned out.

"No, " she repeated, tears slipping down her face. "You're trying to protect yourself. "

Jake spun back towards her, eyes sharp, voice low. "You think I'm protecting myself? I've been sitting at the hospital and now at home for days watching you wake up screaming, flinching when anyone so much as spoke loudly, someone walking into the room is a different story. You think I don't see what my world did to you? You think I can just stand beside you at an altar like- like I didn't let anything happen?"

She gasped and her lips parted. "Jake...you didn't..."

"I DID!" He snapped, the sound cracking the room open. His hands shook. "I should have gotten there early. I shouldn't have let them do that to you. Everything happened because you walked into my f*****g life. "

Tiana stared at him, horror folding into hurt. "So what are you saying?" She whispered. "That I should have stayed away from you? That being with you was a mistake?"

His throat flexed. Alarm flashed across his face, but the words couldn't come fast enough.

And Tiana already fragile, already drowning, took his silence as confirmation.

Her voice shaking, she swung her legs off the couch.

"Okay, " she whispered. "Okay, I understand. "

Jake's heart dropped straight through the floor.

"Tiana-"

"You don't want me." she choked out. " Not really. You want to protect something fragile that somehow you think you had a hand in breaking, which I don't even understand. And I can't...."She backed away when he took a step forward. "I can't be that for you, Jake. I can't be a wound you feel obligated to bandage because somehow you think you have the right to feel guilty. I have been through a lot of staff to stand here and listen to you pity me. I do not need it."

Jake froze. The fear in her eyes stabbed him deeper than any knife could. She wasn't rejecting him, she was bracing for him to reject her.

"Tiana, " he said carefully, "that's not what I meant. "

"But it's what you feel. " She wiped her tears angrily. "You think I'm damaged. You think someone like me shouldn't be marrying someone like you."

Jake's jaw clenched. " I don't think you're damaged. "

"Then why won't you even consider-"

"Because I want you," he cut in harshly, hands trembling. "I want you so much I can't breathe. I want you in ways I shouldn't want someone who's hurting. I want to put my hands on, pin you down, and have my way with you, make you tremble in the only way I want you to tremble, and never want to let go. " His voice cracked, quiet but viciously honest. "And I'm terrified that wanting you now after everything you went through makes me a selfish bastard. I shouldn't want you the way I do but God, you drive me nuts, every time I see you it's like I can't get away. You're just bewitching. "

Tiana stared at him stunned.

Jake continued breathing unevenly. "You think I'm scared of commitment? No. I'm scared of you waking up one day and realising you wanted to marry me because you were afraid and I was the only person you felt safe with, the only person who didn't hurt you, which I promise, Tiana I will never hurt you or let anyone hurt you ever again. But I don't want that to be the reason why you choose me or want to get married to me or anyone else. Not because you're lonely or clinging to the only person who happened to save you. "

Her eyes widened with pain. "I didn't ask you to marry me because I was afraid."