All Night

The girls

Toni

After the second glass of Hennessy, I'm already drowning in my thoughts. 

I thought she would have a mental breakdown or start to cry but I have to admit, she's stronger than I thought and I like that. That’s what’s scaring me. 

I don't want to like it. I don't want to feel something or enjoy a feeling that I shouldn’t be feeling. I want this to stop. It's crazy that this between us is how it is. All these things happen in such a short time and it’s really overwhelming.

I don't know if she's doing what she's doing because she's afraid of what we could do to her family but she seems way more comfortable and well with this all than before. She's making things way easier for herself and for me…

The bartender fills my third glass and I run my hand over my face. This is making me freak out. She's confusing me.

She seems so strong and acts like a savage but sometimes I can see the real Lucille. I can see how scared and worried she is. How confused and fed up she is….

I don't understand what she's doing but I want to know it. I want to talk to her, get to know her and that's killing me. 

I clench my fists.

Why the hell do I care? Why do I want to talk to her and know things about her? Why is my leg shaking and why am I curious? 

This isn't me. That can't be me and I can't be drunk already.

I just wanna know how she is doing and how she's handling it. Maybe I should just walk in and check on what they are doing. I need to talk to capo before I lose my mind.

Romy

“You know I'm alive, right? But I won't come back.” Lucille says, squeezing my hair behind my ear. She's smiling and her voice sounds ready soft. She looks soft and so happy, as if she finally found peace… 

She has always been a girl who never talked about how much pain she was in and she never mentioned her problems. She never talked to me about anything but I could see it. I was just too busy with myself to ask and care. I regret that.

She has always been so lovely. Everybody was dying to be her friend but she always kept her distance respectfully. She chose to be my friend.

I have always been mad because I have never been as successful as her and people wouldn't even see me. I've always been standing in her shadow. I hated that she had secrets that made her even more attractive. Now I'm thinking about it… is it right what they say? Did she have a secret boyfriend that she didn't tell me about? Did these secrets take her away from us? Did she run away with him because she was unhappy? 

I thought she would be my best friend and that she would've told me that but I doubt that now.

“But you need to come back, otherwise I won't be able to forgive myself.” I say, with a shaking voice. She looks at me like she's sympathizing with me.

“I can't… but don't forget me, okay? Remember that I'm alive.” she says and I shake my head. She can't do this. I reach out for her hand but she seems so far. “Lucille, I'm sorry. I love you, please tell me where you are!” I say and wake up.

I'm sweating. My clothes are wet and I feel like I’m stuck on the mattress.

It felt so real. It should’ve been real. I hate this feeling and I need her back…

Toni

“I just thought she should do something else. Isn't this too much..? Too fast?” I ask and for the first time I’m nervous about his response. That’s not like me. “Why do you think that?” he asks with a serious but curious voice.

“She's still so young and maybe too young for this and we're making more money with the other stuff…” I say, barely being able to talk. I scratch my neck. f**k. What kind of explanation and reason was that? He must think I lost my mind because I would never say something like this. I would never fight for a girl care about her. I’m sure it’s the alcohol in my blood. 

He laughs. Of course he thinks I lost my mind.

“She's in the perfect age to get used to this and I don't want her to spend too much time outside.” he says with a deep voice. I hold my breath. I don’t like seeing her in here and he’s talking about the opposite.

“Remember how we got here here. She shouldn’t be seen out there. People are looking for her and we can't risk that anybody recognizes her and starts to talk.” he continues and I close my eyes. My right leg is still shaking..

He notices my silence. “Only for a while, son. Then we'll do even more with her. I know you like her company.” now he sounds happy again. I open my eyes. I don’t know if I feel better now. 

He asks me about what we we did today and I tell him about the tattoo.

»You're always one step ahead of me.” he sounds proud. I don't say anything. I'm not really proud of myself anymore. I wait a few seconds and tell him that I have to go and hang up.

I can't believe that I did this for her. I can't believe that I tried to get her out before she's even in. That I care enough to think about it… Usually I would never care and even force her to do this but I don't even want her to go out there tonight.

Since the day I have know myself, I never got soft. I'm always mean and don’t care about things that don’t have anything to do with me. This is not going to change. Never. Especially not for or because of a girl like her. Especially not after a few days. I need to stay away from her. I need to get distant and cold. Get away from the way she looks at me and gets nervous when I touch her.

I can't risk that I start to like her or that she likes me. She's not going to ruin me and I'm not a lonely high school boy who needs her.

Suddenly I feel this pain in my hand. It stings like hell. It burns. I've been clenching my fists so hard, without even being aware of it, that I broke the glass. I immediately stand up when my blood starts dripping…

Lucille

After another hour of choosing clothes, talking about makeup, hair and what I have to do, dance moves and a lot of other stuff, I feel really exhausted. Even my brain is exhausted. 

I feel so bad.

I have this heavy feeling in my chest that won't leave me alone. What I'm doing is wrong. Everything is feeling heavy right now. It was probably too much input.

I have to admit that the girls distracted me a lot and made me feel good. They almost made me forget about where I am and what’s going on but the memories came back so quickly… I try to run away from my past but it keeps catching up with me. It hit me like a brick.

I've always been lying to everyone and making them believe that I'm amazing and have a peaceful life but that's not true. My life was full of dark things and secrets that I can’t ignore. Now I'm far away from that life and it's still making me feel bad. It’s still haunting me. I'm trying to do all these things that he wants from me, to forget and start another shitty life but it just won't work. It makes everything worse.

There are so many things that I'm still hiding and not reminding myself of because I'm too afraid of heaving another mental breakdown and going back to these hard days that I've been hiding, in a little box, in the tiniest corner of my brain. I don't want these memories to come back again…

It's not like the only thing that's been destroying me was my mom. There's more that I did but never told anybody. I'm not as good as these people think I am. I've tried to change and succeeded. I tried to only see the new me, the perfect me. The one that has never done the things that I've done. I lied to myself. I did things that made me believe that

I'm innocent and perfect but when I'm with people like red hood or these girls, I know exactly that I'm none of that. I belong here. I really do. I deserve this all so much…

“Get some rest now that's enough for today.” Giselle says, with a smile and rips me out of my thoughts. For a minute I actually forgot where I am and I wish I could forget it all the time.

I nod and try to smile but that's not really possible. I'm afraid I might cry instead of smile. “Good luck for tonight.” I say and exit the room. I need to get out of here. I need to breathe. I’ve never felt worse. 

How did I survive until now? How could I deal with myself all the time? I can understand why people feel what they feel for me. Why they feed a dark anger towards me.

I thought I could handle this situation because this was exactly what I wanted but it's harder than I thought. I wanted to do something that changes me but I didn't expect it to happen this fast and dramatically. Now I have to deal with it and I wish I could go back but I can't. To be honest I'm too messed up and confused, I don't even know what I want.

One side of me is still innocent and wants to go back to forget this all and tell my parents everything and try to keep playing this 'perfectly cute girl' role but my other side wants to be free. The other side that's not a coward and shits her pants with every single s**t that happens.

This is ruining me.

Why do I think what I think? I really need to decide what I want and stop acting so weird. I need to free my mind and get a clear head.

I walk towards red hood... He's sitting on the same table that we're always sitting on. I look at the ground but he stands up because he knows I’m coming. The noises that my heels make with every step, give it away.

The purple walls are coming closer and the neon lights are blinding me. So many colors…

I was afraid of darkness and wanted light but now I want to disappear in darkness and die.

Toni

She looks sad. Why does she look sad? 

If any of them made her sad, I'll burn them all. 

Why the hell do I get angry when she's sad? Why do I care? Something is definitely wrong with me.

Did I forget what I told myself just a few minutes ago? And what changed in one night? What happened? What happened to me? I'm definitely not an angel and I'm definitely not gonna get weak for her but when she looks at me like this…

I lift her chin with my fingers, when she's close enough for me to touch her because I want her to look at me. I frown when she looks away. Something definitely happened.

Lucille

“Look at me.” he says and I do what he says. I can't hide what I feel. He knows it. 

He slides his thumb over my chin and looks right into my eyes. In that moment I feel some kind of relief that can’t be deniable.

I can't explain the way he looks at me but it makes me feel at least a little better. It feels like I was gone and am back home now. 

He softly shakes his head. “Which one of them?” he asks with a deep voice. I look at him, questioning what he means.

“Which one of them made you sad?” he asks and I quickly shake my head. “No, it doesn't have anything to do with them. Really.” I say. I don’t want them to get in danger because of me. 

The way he looks at me tells me that he thinks I'm lying but I can't tell him the truth. I can't tell him anything. I’ve been keeping it inside me for years and I won’t change that. 

I don't even care about Beverly and her stupid ass but my thoughts are killing me. And right now, I just want to hug him because I need a hug and for some reason I really want to tell him everything but I know we don't have this kind of relationship. I know I can’t even touch him. Whenever we touch, it’s because he touches me.

We’re not even friends and we're not even close, although I sometimes feel we are. Knowing how alone I actually am, depresses me a lot.

“I swear…” My voice is shaking. I can feel that he's angry and I don't want to make him even angrier. He opens his mouth to say something but I look down at his hand that's still on my chin. “What happened?” I ask him, eyes wide open, gently grabbing his wrist. He clenches his jaw while I hold his bloody hand. It’s the first time I’m touching him by my own and that must bothering him but I can’t pay attention to that right now. I look at him genuinely worried.

“Nothing.” he lies. “My ass nothing happened.” I say but he pulls away. “You need to clean it and apply pressure before it gets worse!” I say.

I'd actually love to know what happened. It's not like he had a fight when I was in there so something else must’ve happened. It's actually making me worry a lot. He’s injured and he doesn’t seem to care. 

“Don't worry okay?” he says, as if he wants to calm me down. “This is nothing.” he says and looks at me very seriously. He means it and I don't have another choice than nodding.

I knew we're not that close but I just wanted to help him and if he says that this is nothing, then I don't want to imagine what's a big deal for him.

Toni

I'm losing myself. I'm getting weak. That can't happen. I need to stay strong. Something is happening to me and it makes me feel sick. I need to stop caring but it’s impossible; when I see how much she is caring, although I’m always so mean to her and never care. It’s so confusing. Why am I like this?

“It's still early. Go and get some rest. Take a nap.” I say and she bites her lower lip. There’s something she wants to say but can’t. I look at her, questioning that move. 

“I'm struggling with sleep…” she admits.

I raise a brow and smirk. The perfect opportunity. “Want more Candy?” I ask and she knows exactly what I mean. It's not like I like I can help her with the other stuff but that's probably the only thing that I can handle.

She smiles. Her eyes sparkle and she quickly nods. I knew she would want more. 

Damn, I love this girl…

What? What did I think? What did I tell myself? No, I don't? I can already feel how the urge to vomit builds up, with the thought of that word. Love.

That s**t doesn't even exist. She's making my head spin. Now I’m sure that I’m drunk.