All Night

Mama, I’m sorry

Toni

She sits up and squeezes her hair behind her ear. Only now I realize how much I love it when she does that. Honestly, if mom wouldn't be calling me right now, I would eat this girl.

Her softness makes me go crazy. It makes me want to go harsh on her and rip that softness off.

I answer the call and clench my jaw. My whole mood changes but I can’t handle it.

“What?” I don’t care, if I sound cold or rude. I’m pissed.

Lucille slowly furrows her eyebrows.

“What a nice way to greet your mom.” she says and I roll my eyes. Always gotta be bad and ruin my mood. I won't let her ruin my damn mood. Not right now.

“What do you want?” why the hell is she calling me at this time? She should be sleeping and dreaming of stupid things like Grayson. Either she's bored and wants attention or there's something else that I definitely don't want to deal with.

“Grayson is back.” she says and my jaw drops. That’s definitely something I don't want to deal with.

I totally forgot about Grayson. I really forgot about him. I was so busy and enjoyed being with Lucille that I totally forgot about that bastard. I forgot about his whole existence. Maybe that’s why I was doing so well.

He won't affect me in any way. I don't give a f**k and she won't be able to ruin me with this. As if it's not enough that he's around, she wants me to say welcome or what?

“So? What do you want me to do now?” I ask and try to not lose it.

My heart is still racing from the taste of Lucille’s lips and I'm still out of breath and I won't let her turn this into anger.

“Come and say welcome maybe! Or at least call him, if you can't come…” she says and I take a deep breath. I’m not going to yell at her. Not next to Lucille.

“I don't even have his number.” I say and I can already feel how disappointed she's looking.

“Holy-… Toni he is your brother, move your ass over here!” she says and I close my eyes. I’m about to throw a tantrum. “No. I already told you what I would think about this. Leave me the f**k alone.” I say and hang up. I was serious, when I said that I wouldn't want to see him.

I let myself fall in the sand.

“Was it your mom?” she quietly asks, pulling her sleeves down and I nod. I already trust her and I know we can talk about these things but I don't want to give away too much personal information.

“You were really mean to her…” she says, looking at me totally softly... I sigh. When she looks at me like this, I can’t be mad. “That was nothing.” I say. I don't care, if she'll judge me for that. She's not aware of what happened or what I've been through. She would never understand my hate for her.

She gets closer and says “You shouldn't be so mean to her.” she sounds hurt. Why?

“I don't know what's going on between you two but she is your mom and no matter what, she loves you. One day she might be gone or you'll be gone and you'll regret the things you've said…” she says like she knows exactly what she's talking about. Probably because she does. I know she’s right but I can’t change the way I feel for my mom.

I raise a brow at her. She looks so sad. Almost like she's going to break…

I wouldn't regret anything. Honestly, I just wish she would be gone. I wouldn’t miss her. I should be gone. Well, I'm trying to go but she keeps pulling me back. If she would let me go, I would probably be happier.

And I know she knows what she's talking about. She's gone. Away from her family, with a lot of unsaid things and I can understand her but with me, things are different.

“That doesn't matter. Nobody cares.” I say and she shakes her head. Then she looks at her hands and furrows her eyebrows.

“The last time I saw my mom was, when I told my dad that she is cheating on him… And then I disappeared and ended up here and now… I miss her.” she says and I sit up immediately. The guilt and p-in in her voice is different from everything I’ve found in her voice until now.

“You did what?” I’m surprised. Really surprised. I didn't expect this. I didn't even ask myself why she was walking along that street the night I saw her. What she was doing out there, alone. Something like this never crossed my mind.

I only reacted because capo wanted her and it was the best coincidence ever. I didn't care but obviously there's a story behind it and I can’t believe it that I didn’t think of this earlier.

She looks into my eyes and nods.

Lucille

I tell him everything. Everything about that day and that night. Every single detail. Even about Romy and Tyler. How I felt, why I did what I did, why I left and why I've been how I've been, when I ended up here. There’s no need to hide it. I feel the urge to tell him everything.

He looks at me, eyes wide open. “You're braver than I thought.” he says but I shake my head. That has nothing to do with bravery.

“I didn't have the right to interfere and say that to him. I should've let her handle it because it was her thing and she knew what she was doing. I was just so pissed and mad at her that she wanted to leave him with a million question marks in his head.” I say and take a deep breath. Remembering it makes me feel guilty again. We fixed the thing with Mason but this is something that can’t be fixed. Never.

It’s the last thing I thought about in all these months. Actually I totally forgot about it. At least I tried. It's not that easy to forget how I ruined my family but not being home makes it easier...

“I really feel guilty. If I wouldn't have said anything. None of this would've happened.” I say and he shakes his head. Faster than normally.

Toni

She would've needed up here anyway but she doesn't need to know that yet. I don't want her to feel guilty for something stupid like this.

I must change the way she thinks. I must change her mind and start all over again, otherwise she will break her head over every single s**t that she has done in the past.

“God, no. You did the right thing.” I say and she raises both of her eyebrows. “If I would've been you, I would've told him the moment I found out about it.” I continue.

I thought that she's gone through the worst but there keeps coming more.

“Really?” she asks and I nod.

“Of course. She doesn't have the right to just disappear, without telling him s**t and leaving you both without even caring about your feelings…” if my mom wouldn’t be the way she is, I would say that I can’t believe how a mom can treat her family like this. I can’t believe that she wasn't loved by her mom either. It disappoints me so much and my heart aches for her...

“You did the right thing. Who knows for how long she would've kept lying to him, if you wouldn't have said a word.” a little smile places her lips and I know I made it again.

I promised her she wouldn't have to feel this bad feeling ever again.

“That's how you gotta be. Talk about what's on your mind. Doesn't matter if it hurts anybody.” I say and shrug. Her smile gets bigger.

I want to kiss her. Any minute. Any second.

“Would you say the things on your mind too, knowing they would hurt me?” she asks and I furrow my eyebrows. She always gets me. But I'm worse.

“The things on my mind would never hurt you.” I answer and she quietly laughs, closing her eyes. How am I supposed to not feel like a loved human being, when she gifts me with this laugh?

Lucille

When we're back at the club, I'm really tired.

This was one of the most beautiful nights of my whole life, considering how awful the most have been.

It was one of those that change everything. The way I see things, the way I feel and a lot more. Those that fix everything. With him, I can always start all over again.

I don't even think anymore that our making out session is going to change anything because I figured out we're not like this.

Nothing changes because we're always weird and awkward. We’re never the same. We change everyday and we're stuck with each other, so there's no way that we couldn't get along well...

“I… won't be here tomorrow.” he says. I can understand that. He doesn't have to be with me all the time. That's totally fine…

“I'll visit my mom…” he says and my jaw drops. I smile. I really don't know what's going on between them both but I'm glad he's making a step towards her. Seems like my words had an effect on him.

I nod and he smiles…

Toni

It's 7pm. I didn't sleep. Usually I would be sleeping in my comfortable bed right now but they are not like me.

They sleep like normal, boring human beings. Means I need to stay awake and deal with them. Those devils.

I take a deep breath, when I stop in front of the door. He's in there. He is here. That b***h.

Couldn't he just stay with his cool university friends who are wearing polo shirts, driving Volvo's, drinking tea and talking about books and lectures, never going out on Saturday nights and shaving every day?

Mom was right. He saved himself. This place, this neighborhood, this street is nothing for him. He couldn't have made it even a year here. He wouldn’t survive here. There's no point in coming back so he could stay there, in his little 10 square meters room that's not worth s**t.

I enter because I still have a damn key and furrow my eyebrows. I can hear them. They're in the kitchen. I don't feel like moving or walking towards them but my legs are already carrying me against my will.

I start breathing heavier and heavier with every step. I clench my jaw and walk in. They're cooking together... They’re laughing and having a good time. My eyes start burning and I hate that.

Of course Mrs. I-only-love-one-of-my-sons is happy now, since her damn son is here. He is her light. He's the sweet pie that makes everything so much better. He's the little angel that lets glitter rain over all of us, the little sunshine who causes rainbows, the happy face on every Walmart coworker, the cute friend who would paint his nails for his female friend.

I hate that p***y so much. I can't explain what seeing him feels like. Actually I don't feel anything.

I lean against the doorframe and slide my hands into my pockets. I'm asking myself, if they are even going to notice me, if I don't make a noise. Of course they won't. They're too busy with themselves.

I could leave. I should leave. I got to see what I needed to see. I should leave completely, forever.

They don't even need me. They never needed me. Then will never need me. Doesn't matter. I don't need them either.

Just when I really think about leaving, she turns around and her smile fades. She hates me so much…