All Night

Grayson

Toni

I enter and give her a death stare. I really don't like being here again. It hasn't felt like home for a while now.

Only a card house with memories.

She takes a deep breath and tells me to sit down but I shake my head. It's not like I'm going to act like I forgot what happened before. What she said is still hurting me and I can swear it changed a lot. That’s why I’ll listen to her and leave.

“Get to the point, I have to leave.“ I say. From now on, I don't care anymore. At least about her. I'm not going to check on her anymore, I won’t get her any money, make sure that she’s okay or visit her. This will be my last visit. My last favor. She won't miss me, since I'm like dad.

She takes a deep breath and crosses her arms in front of her chest. I hate this woman.

“Grayson is coming for thanksgiving and he's going to stay for Christmas.“ she says and my jaw drops. My whole world stops spinning. This was a valid reason to call me here for.

My body freezes and so does my heart. God, please tell me that I got it wrong or that she is lying to mess with me or anything else that has nothing to do with this bastard. It's already enough that she said his name. I need to let this all sink… He's coming for thanksgiving and staying for Christmas? Is she serious? Is he crazy? Are they both actually trying to kill me?

That's definitely too long and I can't accept that. I don't want that. I don't want to see him, I don't want him to be here, I don't want him to breathe the same air as me. I don't even want him to be my brother.

For the first time in a while, I feel the walls coming closer again. I feel like I can't breath and my heart starts racing. My blood starts boiling and I feel my head burning. Am I going to faint? f**k this. This wasn't supposed to make me feel anything. This wasn't supposed to happen to me. Why does stupid s**t like that happen all the time?

I clench my jaw and my fists so hard that I'm sure my bones are about to break. How could they do this to me? They know exactly how I feel and how I am. They know exactly that I'm not okay. They don't even care about that… but on the other hand, how would he know?

He left us to save himself but who's the one that's like dad? Me of course. Because I'm the god damned one who's still here and can't stop caring about the only person that's left from his family.

“You invited him… Didn't you.“ I’m shaking.She rolls her eyes. “Of course I did. He finally has enough time for vacation and he wants to spend it with his family.“ is she kidding me? I take a deep breath, hoping to calm down. Then I run my hand over my face because I know that I won’t calm down at all. At least not for the next few days.

“That's the only time we all can be together..“ she says and I can't hold myself back anymore. What on earth is she hoping for? “Are you f*****g kidding me?“ I yell and rub my chin.

“You know exactly that you won't see me, as long as he's here or ever again.“ I continue and she shakes her head. She already knows why I think and feel for him, so there's no need to tell her.

“I can't believe that you are so stubborn and jealous.“ she says and I swear to god, if she won't shut up, then I'll burn this house while she is sleeping. I'm jealous? I'm the last person that could be jealous of someone like Grayson or my mom. I used to be but that stopped when dad left. How does she get me so wrong and why doesn’t she even try to understand me?

I don't know what to say. I'm too overwhelmed and pissed to think of something to respond with.

“Okay. You know what? You can do whatever you want with your perfect, Harvard son but forget about me. Act like I'm not alive. Just like you always did it.“ I say and walk towards the door. “I’m trying to get you two together for once and you don't even want to cooperate!“ she says and I take another deep breath. “I don't want to see him, I don't want to see you and I don't want to be a part of this. I don't give a f**k, leave me alone.“ I say and leave because I have nothing else to say.

I'm so stupid and naive. She just told me the worst thing ever and she loves making it worse. I shouldn’t have went there.

He's coming back. He's going to ruin everything. I don't know if I should hate him or dad more.

I'm mad and so hurt at the same time. How could they do that to me? They don't care about how sick I am. Why do I deserve these both?

Lucille

The show went so well and smooth that we decide to play poker afterwards, as soon as the other group is taking over.

I have to admit, I still don't like doing what I’m doing and I’ll probably never get used to it but I'm very successful with hiding how uncomfortable I feel. I'm just trying to make everything easier. I didn't say anything until now because I was afraid that something would happen to my family, if I would act like a crybaby. But now I'm not sure anymore, if I can actually keep doing this.

We take the empty table in the corner, where the guys will leave us alone. It's a lot of fun.

I take a sip of my soda and play.

“Girl, who taught you to play like that?“ Giselle asks, giving Beverly a raised brow. I laugh and look how they both are about to fight like every time we play poker. I love how Giselle is into this. She’s taking it serious and entertains us all with her behavior. She's the funniest and coolest of us all.

After another round, I hear one of the girls saying “Uh-oh... Our guardian.“ I turn around and look into the direction that they are looking in, after they all gone silent.

Red hood is standing in the entrance and looking at me. I furrow my eyebrows. Again. Is this something like a new thing? Leaving and coming back with a strange facial expression? Why is he just standing there and not coming closer?

I turn back around to the girls and take a deep breath. Giselle winks at me and I stand up.

“Hah. I knew they were fucking.“ I hear Beverly say and turn around so fast that I almost break my neck. I raise a brow. “Late Night d**k appointment?“ her smirk is the ugliest I’ve ever seen and I swear to god, I would jump her, if Giselle wouldn't tell her to shut up and if red hood wouldn't be waiting for me.

She can't be serious with this. Is that what they all think? I hope not because it’s not true. This makes me feel more like s**t than I thought. The way Giselle winked. Oh my god…

Do they really think there's something going on between us, only because we're spending so much time together? We're definitely not f*****g or doing anything close to that.

I let my hair fall in my neck and walk towards him, after I give Beverly a death stare…

And again, I can see that he's not okay. He's not aggressive or mad. Or drunk. He's soft and calm. Just like when I left him a few hours ago and he wanted to say something… Did he come back to tell me?

I look up at him with big eyes and bite my inner cheek. Something is really wrong with him these days. Something is hurting him.

“Wanna hang out?“ he asks, almost a little insecure and not sure if I will say yes… He’s asking me like it's an option. As if I can tell him that I don’t want to. I can decide.

What is this? What is actually happening?

Usually he would just tell me that we're leaving or force me to come with him but now he's asking me.

I can see. Obvious he's really not okay again but he's sober and he seems hurt. At least he’s not hurt enough to drink. He once told me that he doesn’t drink so last time something really awful must’ve happened because he was drunk as hell.

I smile. “Give me one second. I'll grab a jacket and come back.“ I say and run upstairs.

After I put on a jacket that will keep me warm enough because I don't have time to change my clothes, I rush back down and we leave. I feel some kind of adrenaline and excitement. I’m happy because he asked me to hang out. We’re not working or getting something done. We’re actually spending time with each other because we want to.

Is this a date?

No, it's not. Either he's planning something or he really just wants to talk. I mean he's human. It's normal. I would be glad if we could talk.

I can only hope that there's nothing bad behind this.

After a while of driving around in silence, I'm getting impatient and uncomfortable. Why did he came to hang out and why isn't he saying anything? What is he thinking about?

Just when I open my mouth to ask him something he asks “How is this so easy for you?“ I furrow my eyebrows. Seems like he's going to ask and I'm going to answer again. “What?“ I ask, shaking my head like I don't understand. What I really don't do.

“This all… You don't seem like a girl, who loves to strip in front of men, who are way older than her. But you make it look so easy… Like it's okay for you.“ he says and somehow I feel a little disappointed. I thought we would talk about something else. About him. Why does he have to remind me of this?

I furrow my eyebrows even more and turn a little more to him so I can face him better. “How do you think that it's easy or okay for me? Only because I don't show it, doesn't mean it's not happening.“ I say.

I can feel how serious this all is and I don't know why he's asking me these things yet but everything is coming back and this time I'm definitely going to talk. For some reason this is hitting me more than I thought. The topic hit a nerve and a wound that won’t close for a long time.

“Do you think I enjoy other people touching me and looking at me? Seeing parts of me that only I should see?“ I ask and I get angrier with every word.

“I didn't say anything because I made myself believe that it's not that bad. That my family will be safe, unless I keep my mouth shut... Or maybe because I've been so afraid of you. I don't know.“ I say and run my hand through my hair. I feel how he looks at me.

“I f*****g hate it. The girls make it better but I hate it more than anything else. How could you think it's easy for a girl in my age? Or any girl?“ I raise my voice a little bit and he raises his eyebrows a little.

I don't care if I'm going too far or if he's getting angry. There's something in my chest that needs to get off. Something that I can’t stop.

“And what do you mean with, I don't seem like a girl who would do these things? You don't know me!“ I snap at him, even though he hasn’t even said anything yet.

It's not like I'm trying to say that I would do this stuff but he really doesn't know me. I don't know what happened and why I'm so angry all of a sudden but I can't control myself and my thoughts are killing me a little bit more with every second.

They literally force me to do it. I’m not doing it because it’s fun.

Did he really have to start with this? I mean he asked, if I would like to hang out and not fight. Even if we are not fighting yet, I know that worse things will happen.

I know myself.

I’m like a tornado and I won’t leave before I take everything with me.

“Well, you are really good in hiding it. And I know you.“ he says really seriously. I can't believe my ears. When is this all going to stop?

I look at him with a dropped jaw.

“Really good in hiding it? I don't want any of this. I can't hide it much longer. I did this because I thought I could help myself and forget my past or protect my family but you know what?“ I clench my jaw and notice how he starts driving a little faster but I don’t mind. Even if this is his way to warn me…

“None of that happened. I've been lying to myself all the time. I hate this and myself so, so much that I keep doing what you say because I've already lost and it doesn't matter anymore because you've been right! I'm weak and I'm a coward!“ I say, raising my voice a little more. I feel lost and yelling at him makes me feel better.

“Lucille, it's okay! It was a simple question! Calm the f**k down!“ he says and I realize, how bad I actually feel. I’m stupid. He was the one who wasn’t feeling well and now it’s about me and I’m yelling at him. I need to calm down…. But he asked me. He made this about me.

“This was not a simple question and you know that! What are you trying to do? Why did you come and take me out? Are you trying to make me crazy?“ I ask and he clenches his jaw.

“You know exactly how hard this is for me and you're doing it on purpose because you're an asshole!“ this is the first time I’m calling him like this, without even hesitating, knowing that he heard me and I get a death stare from him but I don’t care.

The tears that roll down my cheek don't make it easier.

“Enough. I regret asking.“ he says and I can feel my blood boiling. He can’t stop it or walk out of the conversation whoever he wants it.

Toni

I wasn't planning on making her so angry or hurting her with this question. I don't even know why this made her freak out. I don't really understand what's going on in her right now but I can understand her.

I actually just needed her company because I felt like s**t about what mom said. I hoped she could give me some answers and that was wrong of me. I felt so lonely again and I wanted to know how she managed to get over this all so easily. She seemed so strong all the time, as if she didn’t care. She didn't complain, she didn't resist or acted like a stubborn brat, she didn't even try to run away. That surprised me and I wanted to know the reason for it and how she is doing it. It seemed like she wanted to stay.

I was wrong. Now I know that she wasn’t doing good at all. Obviously that question was the cherry on top..

She's breathing heavily and looking at me like she hates me. I could understand if she would. She probably does.

The things we've done to her aren't acceptable. It's less than we did to the other ones and I don't know why because I only did what Pablo told me to do.

“But you did ask!“ she yells and usually I would punch her for screaming at me like this because I can't stand people talking like this to me but I'm too hurt and I think I kinda hurt her too. I can see it from the way she looks. She's hurting on the inside and I know how it feels…

“Do you know why I hate myself the most? I'm a stupid coward who did whatever you told me to do, without even questioning it! I didn't regret, I didn't try to run away, I didn’t do anything!“ she says and I can hear the pain in her voice. I'm not going to stop her. If she wants to let it out, then I'll let her put it all out in this world. Or this car.

“Why didn’t I say no to anything? Why did I let you do this all to me, without questioning anything or fighting?“ the sadness and regret in her voice shows me for how long she's been holding this all in and how hurt she actually is. She sounds broken and done.

Why am I so sad? Why does this make me feel so bad? I kinda sympathize with her and feel bad because we made her feel like this. And yes I am weak right now.

Maybe even wounded. Maybe more than that. It's not like I'm going to die, if I get weak for one night or try to understand her or just act like a normal human being with feelings...