All Night

My fault

Tyler

I remember every word of our last conversation. Every single word. How she looked at me and how those mean words were rolling off my tongue, not realizing what a damage they were doing. I should’ve just left her alone. I knew she wasn’t doing fine and I made it worse. Then I just left her alone, although I should've been there for her because it wasn't easy for any of us. I've never been there for her. I've never been nice to her… I've never showed her love, although I always saw the things that kept bothering her. I've always seen her suffer but I never did anything to help her.

Lucille had many secrets, things that she's been hiding, things that have been eating her from the inside, things that she needed help with but couldn't ask for because she knew exactly what would happen… I knew all of this. I knew everything. I knew she wasn’t as perfect as everybody thought. I knew she was not who we thought she would be, yet I judged her for all these things.

Why? Because I've always been so jealous and angry. Angry at myself. I've been so blinded by myself. I should've helped her. She’s my sister and not an enemy. Why did I never help her? Why did I never put my pride aside and why am I like this? Why did I let her go? Maybe she was okay until I made it worse and then she decided to leave and something happened to her or she already knew where she would be going…

Dad told me about what she said when she called him, a few hours before they found her and it seems like she had another life that we didn't know anything about. Like the Lucille we've known, never existed.

She didn't even want to tell him where she was all the time, she didn't want to come back and it's like she knew what would happen to her. I could almost believe that she planned it all and I don't want to believe in that. I want to remember her as the innocent, clever and sweet Lucille that fought for her family. Not as the girl who had secrets…

It’s too late for everything now. Too late for apologies, love and affection. She’ll never forgive me.

I never cry but a life without her makes me cry.

I run down the stairs, with tears in my eyes and see dad standing in the kitchen and leaning on the counter, looking out of the window..

He seems so fed up. I hear him cry every night. I can't hold myself back anymore…

“It's my fault. I made her leave and feel bad. She left because of me. I'm sure about that I was the cherry on top, I swear it wasn't on purpose.“ I speak and breathe too fast. He turns around to me and furrows his eyebrows. My hands are shaking.

“It's not your fault that she ran away. We don't know what she's been doing or who she's been with. It was her decision and obviously she had someone she could stay with. Someone we didn't know about. Do you think you're the only one who gives himself the fault?“ he sounds annoyed and disappointed. Since he talked to her, he thinks that everything was planned. That she ran away and got in trouble. I'm afraid that he's right. I wouldn't believe my ears but I know what she said to him on the phone. It's like she gave up and she wanted this. As if she was leaving and only wanted to say goodbye.

“She said what she had to say and left. Do you think it's not tearing me apart that I don't even know my daughter?“ he asks. I can see the anger in his eyes…

“Dad, no. She’s not like this. I wish I could explain it to you but I don't understand it either… I can't do this anymore, dad. I can't live without her. We could've kept her at home, we should've been there for each other!“ I raise my voice with every word and a tear rolls down my cheek. He walks towards me. The anger faded and now he seems sad.

“I miss her so much, I don't know what to do and it's killing me that I don't know what happened to my little sister I-..“ he cuts me off. He grabs both of my shoulders and tries to calm me down. It’s the first time I’m crying in front of him.

“Tyler… This is not your fault! We couldn't help her because she never talked! We never knew what was going on in her life because she made everything look perfect!“ I freeze.

He knows more than I do. I can see that in his eyes and the way he talks. What does he know… What does he think?

“Do you think…“ I start my sentence but he looks into my eyes and continues..

“I don't know. Maybe she had a boyfriend we didn't know about or friends that were a bad influence or something else that took her away from us. We will never know…“ I know he doesn't know what to do either. We tried to stay strong until now but it's hard. Really hard.

He hugs me and I hug him back.

I can't do this. I need to know what happened. Living with these question marks in my head will kill me. I won't accept this because it can’t be that easy

Lucille

I get in his car and don't say a word. He doesn't say anything either.

Everything is so messed up. I need to do something to survive this.

This feeling gets heavier with every minute that passes. I can't explain how it feels like to have the need to talk but to not have anybody to talk with. Or anybody to trust. There are things that I can't tell anybody and these things make me feel stuck. They make me feel guilty and sick. They make me wanna kill myself and I don't know how to handle that.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm really close to tell him everything. I’m so close to open up to him. Maybe I would get the weight off my shoulders and find some inner peace.

I don't know why he isn't talking but I'm quiet because there are too many thoughts going through my head and they are confusing me.

“What are you thinking about?“ he asks out of nowhere. I look at him and he looks at me. He's really asking me what I'm thinking about.

He's not doing this really often and for me, these moments are very special because I almost forget what it feels like to be important to someone.

I could tell him everything. I have the chance to talk to him now, since I would never start a conversation but I'm not sure if I really want this. At least not now.

“Nothing important.“ I lie. He nods. “You know I know when you lie.“ he says a little angry.

Another note to myself: don't lie to red hood because he knows. He knows every s**t. He's a very good observer and he's not stupid.

I sigh and let my head fall back.

“It doesn't matter. Does it? Nothing will change anyway.“

I say.

He looks away.

“Then don't think about it.“ he says and I furrow my eyebrows.

“If something won't work out and you know that, then there's no point in breaking your head over it.“

I hate how right he is with what he says sometimes. He makes me shut up and teaches me things that help me a lot with stuff. Even if he's still an asshole, he's very wise sometimes. That's probably the only thing that keeps me going through this s**t. Or the only one…

After we eat and get back into the car, his phone rings. Only now I remember that I haven’t been using a phone for four months now... I don't even need one. I never thought that I could live without my phone but it's not as bad as I thought. There's no need for a phone because I don't have any friends to call, things I could take pictures of and document or anybody I could text. Nothing.

He seems pissed when he answers it. Really pissed..

“Couldn't make a night without me?“ he asks and I frown. Why do I feel this weird feeling in my stomach?

“Oh, really?“ he asks like he's surprised. Why do I want to know who he is talking to? Is he talking to a girl? Why do I even feel like I have the right to know it? I never thought about this, when he talked to anybody. Well, he never talked to anybody like this. It’s weird and making me suspicious.

“Last time, you didn't really care if I would leave.“ he sounds like he's teasing the person and I feel the heat in in my face. Is there a possibility that he does have a girlfriend? That can't be real…

Toni

“You chose to leave me and there are things that we need to talk about.“ she says. I run my hand through my hair.

I don't give a f**k about the fact that she's my mom, I don't want to talk with her about anything. She can be glad that I answered her call.

“What? About how much better he is than me?“ I clench my jaw. Then I see how Lucille is looking at me. She looks away, when I catch her staring, totally curious and worried. She scratches her neck and clears her throat.

“Just come.“ she says and hangs up. I look at my phone. I could throw this s**t out of the window. I hate that I have to go back, only to listen to her s**t, although I promised myself to not. I’m going to do it, only because she is my mom. God, I hate this and I'm afraid of ripping her head off, as soon as I see her but I have to do this..

Lucille

“I don't have a girlfriend.“ he says and I freeze. This is so embarrassing. Of course he noticed. I’m bad in hiding and lying and he is a good observer.

Can I disappear in the seat or just jump off the car? How does he know that I thought about that? Do I make it that obvious? I start blushing.

“Okay.“ I say, acting like I don't even care about that, although I can feel how alive the butterflies in my stomach are and how my cheeks are burning again. I have to smile but I suppress it. Now it's official and I don't need to keep asking myself this question ever again. I don't want him to know that I feel relieved. It's already embarrassing enough that he knows that I thought about it.

“I’ll drive you back and see you later. You'll work with the girls tonight.“ he says and I nod. I'm sure he's deciding about what I’ll do spontaneously, every night. That's fine.

We arrive and just when I want to get off the car, he looks at me in that way that I can't explain. He looks like he wants to say something. I stop for a second and look at him. There is this softness in his face that surprises me.

I raise both of my eyebrows and wait for him to say something, since he seems like he wants to get something off his chest but when he stays in silence and looks away, I leave…

When I walk in and see the other ones already getting ready, I'm still asking myself why he looked at me like that and what he wanted to say. I'm sure he wanted to say something and I’m dying to know what.

Toni

I did want to say something. I want to say many things but I can't. I knew she thought I'd have a girlfriend but that's impossible because I'm spending most of my time with her. What I'm not complaining about, to be honest. But I never really had a girlfriend or even a normal friend. I can't waste my time with this. I'm not that

stupid to let anybody hurt me.

And I really don't wanna go back to my mom but I'm curious about what she wants to talk to me about, after she hurt me.

If she's going to tell me more s**t and make me feel bad, then she won't see me ever again because I can keep up with her anymore... She's destroying me…