All Night

Murder

Lucille

After four months, everything goes a little better and even faster than before. It took me less than four months to get used to everything. With every day I realized that there’s really no turning back and that I’ll spend my life here. Accepting it made everything a lot easier.

I'm mostly working in the club with the girls and we're very close now. They’re my friends. The only friends I have.

Dancing on the pole, in lingerie, in front of guys is still making me uncomfortable and I'm still a little shy but I'm not the only one who's doing that. It feels good to know that the attention of the males is split in four different girls. I love how comfortable and confident the girls are about this all. They motivate me. I wish I could be like them and make this all even easier for myself. I'm learning from them and it's not that bad, since I'm not doing as much as they are doing. I'm only dancing and sometimes I’m taking over the shifts of one of the waitresses.

Thankfully I'm not doing more than I have to. I don’t have to go to the private rooms with strangers. I don’t have to please them. The girls do their best to keep me away from that because they know I’m still struggling with it. I really appreciate that.

Dancing on the pole isn’t easy either but I can get over it, when I know that red hood is sitting in a corner or on the bar and watching me, every night. At least whenever he doesn’t have anything else to do. He comes and watches me. That’s what makes it so easy. I thought, doing it in front of him would make me nervous but keeping eye contact with him during the whole night keeps me on my feet.

We're making a lot of money and sometimes, after everybody leaves, we play poker for fun. They taught me how it goes and it's a lot of fun.

And this time I'm not lying to myself. I kinda started liking this place and the peace that I feel. Of course I miss my family like crazy, every day… I think about them every day and hope that they are fine and don't miss me too much. It makes me sad but I'm not complaining about the life that I have right now. That's how it has to be. I feel better with thinking less.

In my free time I study or read and give red hood the money that I earn so he can buy me more books. My room is filled with books and pencils and clothes and things that make me feel more comfortable. Red hood had to get me new shelves because I needed more space for my books. He helps me out when it comes to things like these.

I have cute lights, small plants, some posters and pictures on the walls, from magazines that I ask red hood for and some stuffed animals. I'm in love with my room. It's totally personalized and I feel very well in it. I almost feel home. I don't want to run away, escape and go back like I wanted the first days.

I'm more calm now. I really miss my friends and family but I'm better here. Of course I didn't forget what happened in the past but this all is helping me to forget it.

I'm fine. I'm really fine. I'm not lying to myself anymore and I started to be myself. I left everything behind me and started all over. It's not as bad as I thought.

Being here, doing these dirty jobs… I don't even care anymore, if people would judge me for what I’m doing. Living without being afraid of what people could think about me is a good feeling that I don't want to lose. Everybody here is the same and I don't want to go back anymore.

I also got new tattoos. I counted them. Thirty seven. I'm a little obsessed. They look prettier and cooler than I thought. I have some on my thighs, arms, hips, under my boobs, on my shoulder, chest and neck. I'm planning to get more. Maybe I'll cover my whole body with some pretty stuff. It's not hurting anymore. I got used to it. Red hood always takes me to the tattoo shop whenever I want.

He is as mean as always. Maybe even meaner and colder but I'm already used to that as well. I know how to handle him now. He's probably the only one who's confusing me, although the confused Lucille doesn't exists anymore.

I finally know what I want and I'm pleased with myself. But he does confuse me. Sometimes he looks at me like he knows what I'm feeling. Like he knows what I want.

He gives me good vibes and I feel this warm feeling all over my body whenever I see him. He makes me feel comfortable. There are moments where I feel it getting warmer between us.

Sometimes he makes me believe that he does have a heart and that we could actually have fun together, even though we already have fun together sometimes, and then there are nights where I don't even see him, talk to him, think about him or do anything else that has something to do with him. Where he's cold and doesn't talk to me or even makes me cry. Where he acts like we don't know each other and I'm not worth anything. At some point he's right. We don't know each other. He confuses me a lot but I can handle that.

We’re spending most of our time together with eating, getting tattoos, getting new clothes, dealing drugs and doing drugs and small robberies. The things we have to do.

I can say I've changed a lot and he's a big part of that but I'm not complaining about it. I'm more comfortable and maybe I'm finally who I always wanted to be. I'm me.

He gave me some pills that I take whenever I can't sleep or I don't want to sleep at all or just feel better.

Coke is the only thing that we do together. He strictly told me to not do it without him. I didn't complain about that either. I like it when he's around... sometimes.

He also bought me a journal. It was between the books he got me. I didn’t ask him for one. It was his own idea.

“Whenever you need to get something off your chest that you can't talk about.” he said and I smiled. It surprised me that he thought about that. It means the world to me. It means that he was standing in front of a shelve, in a*****e and thought about me. He got it because he thought about the times he looked at me and knew what was going on inside me.

He made me think that he does care and actually I know that but I won't let him notice that. I won't break his pride.

I also noticed how serious this all actually is. There are some situations where red hood fights or freaks out. Once he broke a chair on the head of a guy, without a warning because he caused problems.

Sometimes he's doing things that make me believe that he's a psychopath. How he looks and how he acts give it away... I'm still trying my best to not make him angry and I'm pretty successful.

I can swear I also heard him shoot once. That's why I'm asking myself if he ever killed somebody. I'm sure he killed somebody. That’s scaring me but I’m sure now that he would never kill me. I don't know why but that's not scaring me anymore. It's not like I'm afraid of nothing but I'm trying to let it go and concentrate on what I'm doing.

Every time we went to Pablo, he told me that my family would be safe and that is all I need to hear and know. Things between us are better now. I'm glad because that makes everything a lot easier.

No matter how much I didn't want this at the beginning, now I do. I'm not even sure if I'm doing this for my family anymore... I'm kinda doing this for myself because staying away from everything for a while is actually very nice and doing it for myself makes me feel better. Trying different things and being you because nobody knows you or judges you is a great feeling.

This would destroy some people but it's actually helping me with finding myself and who I am. No matter how ridiculous this sounds, it's true.

I have to admit, I turned into a pretty aggressive bad b***h but that's all red hood’s fault. I've learned a lot from him as well.

Seeing how aggressive and strong he is impressed me and showed me that being weak is nothing for me. I picked up some of his habits. I'm not a scared chicken anymore and I'm really proud of myself. I'm not going to let anybody here drag me down... I should've done that on the first day but it's too late.

Since I'm still always fighting with Beverly it's important that I don't let her drag me down. I keep fighting back and that makes her angry.

Seeing that keeps me going because she's the one who gets f****d up and wastes her time while I'm expanding my skills with her... Now I understand why red hood always enjoyed making me angry.

Tyler

I'm dead. At least I feel dead. My body is dead and so is my soul sometimes. Dad and I are barely talking. It's hurting to talk because everything reminds of us of her.

He stopped to work on his book because he said he couldn't finish it without her and I can understand that. I love her more than I thought. We miss her like crazy and still hope that she'll come back.

After four months I don't really have any hope left and I don't know what I should believe in. We don't even know if she's alive.

I can't count the nights that passed with us crying. Mom left because she said she needed some time and promised us she would come back but I know exactly that she's with her new lover. She won’t come back.

That ripped dad's heart out. It's all too much for him. I need to be strong for him. It's hitting me hard as well but I care more about my little sister than mom.

Dad freaked out because they couldn't find her. They looked for her with helicopters, in lakes, oceans on the beach, forests, asked people around here and in her school, looked everywhere but still couldn't find her. That made me freak out as well. How is it for the police so hard to find a little girl? They find every single s**t and catch every damn murderer but they can't find my little sister? Even they are about to give up. They don’t have any hope left either. Why is that so hard for them? It should be easy to find her. Even if they give up, I won’t.

I will pray for her and believe that she'll come back. They don't know if she's dead or alive but I feel that she's alive. I know it...

Toni

Lucille is doing great. She's doing really well. She's doing whatever I say, without even thinking about it for a second or being scared of it or complaining. She’s not hesitant anymore.

I'm really proud of her and love how she makes everything so easy for us. I raised a little baddie in a few months.

Pablo was right with what he said. It's better if she stays in for a while. Only two months ago a team of cops came to check the club.

They were looking for her. Pablo warned me. That’s why I took Lucille before they arrived and drove far away with her, until they left. She was asking me why we had to leave so early but I didn't tell her anything about it. Then she fell asleep in the car. survived her questions.

If they would've found any cocaine or guns or her then we would’ve been screwed. More than screwed. We probably would be dead but we're ready for these kind of controls, since it's not the first time and it's a wonder that they didn't find her room. Actually nothing would have happened if they would've found it because she doesn't have any pictures of herself there. It could belong to anyone. One thing would’ve happened if they would’ve found her.

I would’ve lost her.

Everything is going smooth for now but the only problem is that they are still looking for her. I've seen her all over the news and that they still didn't find her. It's tragic… For them.

I've seen the shrines and her crying friends that are not giving their hopes up and I have to admit, I actually got a little sad but seeing that most of them already think she's dead relieved me a lot.

They just won't give up. Although I'm not telling her, we're hiding her as good as we can. We have people everywhere, who lead cops and other people into the opposite direction. Her family is destroyed. Her dad isn't talking to the press anymore but Tyler… That little b***h. He just won't give up. This all got bigger than we thought. They're making big waves that will end in a tsunami, if it keeps going like this. They just won't give up and want to fight and find her. What I can understand. I would want to find someone like her as well…

I don't know why Pablo knows so much about them or is so close to them but it's good. We know everything.

Unfortunately there's one last thing that I have to do to do end this forever. We can't risk anything anymore. We can't move like this. There's no other way… It's too dangerous. We can't do this anymore.

I walk up to her, with heavy steps, knowing she's studying right now. I admire how hardworking she is. She won't give up either and I don't have a problem with buying her books and supporting her with that.

She doesn't even want the money that she's earning. She's so peaceful, it's surprising me but I'm fine with that, as long as she isn't sad. I’m too impatient to deal with a sad girl.

I walk in, since I have a key and she looks at me. She has a pencil between her lips. She looks happy. I close the door and walk towards her. She looks at the clock.

“I thought I still have time?” she says surprised and I sit down on the corner of her bed and pull her closer with her chair. Right between my legs. Of course she has time.

We changed a lot. She has her free time where she can do whatever she wants, before she starts working or we leave and when I feel like it's safe enough, I drive around with her so she can get some fresh air. It makes her feel good.

I'm sure that she won't run away. I can see how fine she is with this all and that's why I trust her more now. She’s comfortable here.

She looks confused. This is going to be harder than I thought. I tried to stay away and keep being strong and cold because being close to her scares me but it's really hard to stay away from her..

“You do but we need to talk.”

Lucille

He seems serious and worried. I haven’t seen him like that in a while. That scares me. He’s only talking like that when something bad happened. Everything was so perfect and amazing, I really don't want anything to ruin this now.

He takes my hand. It's serious. My heart starts racing. I haven’t felt like this for a long time...

He looks straight into my eyes. It's one of these moments again where he makes me believe that he cares. Something bad is happening and he always takes these situations as serious as he has to. I slowly shake my head.

“What's going on? Did I do something wrong?” I ask, a little scared. Nothing triggers him easily. It must be something big. Maybe I did something that I shouldn't have done and now I'm going to get punished for it.

Thankfully he shakes his head. I furrow my eyebrows. What is it then?

“Lucille… I need to kill you.” he says and my heart leaves my body.