All Night

Pieces

Toni

I can see how scared she is. She starts breathing too fast. I know she’s about to have a panic attack. She stands up but I pull her back between my legs again.

I’m sure she’s going to cry because I can already see the tears in her eyes. I didn't mean to scare her like that. I guess she took it literally and that’s my fault.

“But why? I did everything that you wanted, everything is going so well. I don't understand this. I thought-…” she starts talking too fast but I cut her off.

“Calm down… It's not like that. I'm not going to kill you.” I say and a tear rolls down her cheek. She holds her breath and looks into my eyes. I know what kind of pictures went through her mind.

“Don't scare me like that.” she says, with a shaking voice and bursts out in tears. I knew that she was still emotional and anxious but I didn't think that it would scare her this much. She seemed so strong these past months, I thought she would get angry and I can understand her because the way I said it was enough to scare the hell out of her.

Usually I would say it straight into her face, without giving a s**t but I need her to do this and I know it's not easy for her. I’m not completely made out of ice. I got to know her a little better and I know that I don't need to be mean with this kind of stuff.

I can talk to her normally. It's unexplainable between us two. No matter how much I try to stay away from her, it's not working. I only get closer. I even pull her closer.

She wipes her tears away and looks at her hand, which is still in mine. I have no clue how to explain this now and why I hold her hand but I guess it's some kind of support and showing here that I'm here. I need to stay serious.

“Do you still have your clothes from the first day?” she looks confused but still worried when I ask her that. She nods and once again I'm proud of her.

Lucille

I put them in a box and hid them in the corner of my closet. They're untouched. I wanted to keep them, for some reason... I don't know why but I just wanted to. I didn't even wash them. I think I already know why he wants them and that's scaring me.

“Good. Give them to me.” he says. I stand up. My knees are weak but I get them for him. I hand them to him and he puts them next to him on the bed. He tells me to sit back down.

Honestly, I love sitting between his legs because it gives me the feeling of comfort and I like being close to him. It feels like a special bond that makes things between us at least a little serious.

I felt how he's been trying to stay away from me. How he's been cold and distant and these little gestures make things warmer between us. Even touching him, is enough for me.

He leans his elbows on his knees. He looks a little worried and stressed. That’s unusual.

“They are still looking for you. The police was here…” he says and looks away. I feel this sudden panic in me and hold my breath again. It helps me to not hyperventilate.

“They we're here because of you. The night we got the tattoo on your hip.” he says, pointing at my hip. I remember that night.

He told me that we would go to get a new tat and I asked him if it wouldn't be too early because the sun was just setting and that's really early for us. Later on I fell asleep until we arrived there. I didn't ask him why or where this was coming from. I was just happy because he suggested it and because of the butterfly I got on my hip.

“Did they find anything?” my voice is about to disappear. He shakes his head and I finally exhale. “We can't let them find you.” he responds with a deep, raspy voice and I look into his eyes. They’re so deep...

“I don't want them to find me.” I don't want to go back. I'm fine like this. The thought of them finding me scares me. It would ruin everything.

“That's why we need to kill you so they stop looking for you and close the file.” he's right. They need to close this file but how? “How?” I ask. This will not be as easy as it seems.

My whole family and friends will think that I'm dead. They will give up on me and accept it. This is really serious and big. Do I really want that? No. I won't be confused and weak again. I know what I want and I can make decisions. If I have to die then I'll die.

“Leave that to us. We only need some stuff of yours.” he says and I clench my jaw. “What?” I ask and he gently holds my pinky finger and looks at me. My heart skips a beat. I shake my head. There’s no way. Never.

“And your blood.” he says and I can feel my tears coming back. The last time I cried for something serious was four months ago.

“No, please take a strand of hair or anything else but not my finger.” I beg. He closes his eyes and I feel like screaming. “Not your Finger. Only your nail. We have someone who's working with the police. Undercover is course. He'll know exactly where to find you and act like it's coincidence or real research.” he says and I see that this is hard for him as well. That means it's even more serious than I thought. I don't want that. I don't want to imagine how god damn much it hurts to lose my nail. I don't want to lose my nail but I have to do this. I swallow.

“We need to do this. You don't want them to find you, don't you?” he asks and I shake my head. I really don't want that. I don't want to go back. I don't want to see any of them. Maybe this is better for all of us…

Now we're sitting downstairs around a table with a man. He has a little pair of forceps in his hands.

My left hand is on the table and my whole body is shaking. My heart is about to burst because this man is going to pull out my nail. I feel like I can't breathe. Panic builds up in my body and I feel like throwing up. Red hood is sitting right next to me. I try to control my breathing to not pass out.

I look at red hood and notice that he’s not amused. Neither I am. My whole body is burning.

“Good... Are you ready?” the man asks and I take a few deep breaths before I nod. After I nod, I feel the cold metal under my nail and close my eyes. I hold my breath.

Toni

I close my eyes. She screams so loud that I'm sure she'll lose her voice for the next 24 hours. She starts crying hysterically and she can barely breathe. Then she screams again.

I open my eyes and pull her between my arms. But only because I can't hear her scream. It’s painful because there’s so much pain in her voice. It’s one of the most awful screams I’ve ever heard.

She screams into my chest... I can barely imagine how much this hurts. I really wish we would have another choice but there's no other way. We need more. We need to make it convincing.

I hold her until she calms down. It takes her a while. She’s shaking a lot and still crying, whining. I'm not complaining about holding her… I'm so close to caress her head but pull my hand away again.

They wipe the blood away and apply pressure while I make sure that she won’t look. She’s out of breath and sweating, as if she ran a marathon. I can still feel her sobbing...

After she calms down a little bit, I help her to go back upstairs. We also took some of her blood. Not too much because she passed out but enough.

Her legs are still shaking and her eyes are red. Her left hand is shaking constantly. She's afraid of looking at her finger. I can understand that. I don’t like seeing her hand like that either.

I can't believe how caring I am. What the actual f**k? f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k. f**k this.

Her chin is also shaking. She looks damaged, pale and exhausted.

I lay her down on her bed and say “Get some rest. I'll give them your stuff and come back.” I say and she nods. She looks so broken. She pulls the blanket over herself and turns around.

When I get into my car, I get a call from Pablo.

“Situation?” he asks. I sigh and answer “Done.” I can already see his smile. “I want to see her tomorrow night.” he says and hangs up. I curse and drive to meet our the cop that I was talking about earlier...

Lucille

I start crying hysterically.

In a few hours I'll be dead. Officially. I'll be dead to everyone. It will be like I've never existed but I'm still alive and I exist. They'll close the file and everything will either get more difficult or easier.

All my friends and family will think I've died or got murdered. They'll cry, the grief will eat them up and then, eventually, they will get over it. While I’m still here.

I wish I could talk to them or see them one last time but that would destroy everything. I can't do that. I need to continue.

Toni

When I come back and walk in, I find her crying. She’s crying like someone ripped out her heart. I know it's not because of the pain in her finger…

She notices me. I just stand there and look at her. For some reason I can’t move. But she does. She stands up and runs towards me, right into my arms. It’s an unexpected move but I don’t back off or push her away.

She's so tiny. She’s smaller than before... I can't deal with how upset she is. I’m not used to this...

Although I can barely move because I know I shouldn't do this, I hug her as tightly as I can. Her whole body is shaking and I know she's letting everything out that she's been keeping in for the last four months. She has the right to do that. I need to let her do it. I don’t know when I changed like this but I realize how good this actually feels. How hugging her feels and how I never want to let her go again.

This is impossible. The fact that I feel something like this… It can't be real but it is and it's really scaring me a lot.

She slowly backs off. Her nose, eyes and cheeks turned red and her lips are plump. Her chest is going up and down very fast. She looks up at me. Her eyes are reflecting the light of the room. I nod, knowing what she wants to tell me with her eyes..

We get into my car and drive far away from our main station. Actually I'm driving her near to the place where the police is going to find her pieces. It’s mean of me to take this opportunity for something like this but it could help her.

I see how she's looking at her pinky finger.

“Don't look at it.” I say and she looks at the road. She's hasn't talked since she lost her nail. I could swear she lost her voice. I take a deep breath and run my hand through my hair.

“Will it grow again?” she asks, with a very very raw and silent voice. I can barely hear her but I nod and look away.

To be honest, we've done so much s**t to girls and whores and I never cared because this is my job, I’m helping Pablo and they feel the pain, not me but when it comes to her it's the opposite.

I stop at a gas station, very close to the place where they'll find her, which is really far away from the club. I park the car and we walk towards the phone booth. Nobody is here. That's good.

She pushes the buttons and waits.

Lucille

I'm calling dad.

He'll pick up. He always picks up. I haven’t seen anyone from my family or friends, for four months and it will be extremely awkward and difficult to talk but I need to do this.

I know I will regret it, if I don’t do it. I won’t be able to continue this life in peace.

I can already feel my tears forming.

With every noise that comes from the phone, I pray that he won't pick up because I'm not sure if I can do this. It would be so much easier if he wouldn’t pick up. I would be able to close the chapter. I inhale and when he answers I forget to exhale.

“Hello?”