All Night

Snakes and butterflies

Romy

Is it the fourth day or the third? Maybe even the fifth? I don't know, I've lost any sense of time. Without her, it feels like the minutes are passing faster than usually. Or slower. Depends on the day.

I didn't sleep last night. I kept crying until my eyes turned red. I still don't know what happened to her. Nobody does. There’s one thing I know. She didn’t run away. She would’ve told me about it.

Why didn't she talk to me about her problems before? We always talk about everything together. There's nothing we can't handle together. 

I'm sure that something happened to her but she's strong. I can feel her. She'll come back. I believe in that.

The police is already looking for her everywhere and asking people if they saw her at the time she left. I'm trying my best to help but there isn’t much I can do. It's hurting that everything is happening so fast and that she could be dead… 

They keep asking me stuff about her. They’re asking for things that would never have anything to do with her. Things they need to know but she's always been a good person. A role model. There’s not even a dark side of her. She's choosing her friends wisely and not hanging out with everybody. Nobody could hurt her… Except me.

I still hate myself for what I did.

She's been all over the news and social media. Suddenly everybody loves her more than usually... Even those who hated her because of their jealousy. They care about her and act like they’ve always done that.

I feel like a ghost when I enter class.

My body is cold and my soul is lost.

I told Cole that I don't want to talk to him anymore. He got angry and we argued but I don't care about him anymore. There are more important things on my mind.

Every morning I look at her table in class, hoping that she'll be sitting in her chair but this time there are standing girls. Way too many girls. I run towards them with my heart racing. I can't see what they are doing there but something tells me that she's back. That’s why they must be standing around her table. I can already feel the tears in my eyes.

They step back when they hear me coming and my heart stops at what I'm seeing. A tear rolls down my cheek.

“What is this?” I ask with a shaking voice and boiling blood.

I can see clearly what it is.

Pictures of her, poems, stickers, cards, candles and flowers. It’s a shrine. My scalp starts burning and I feel like I can’t breathe.

“We're going to do something bigger for her in the hallways where the panel is but we wanted to do something small in the class...” Maya explains. She sounds sad. Not sad enough to understand.

“We're really missing her. It's sad. She didn't deserve this.” Lucy is almost crying while she is looking at a picture of Lucille. Is she kidding me?

What didn't she deserve? How can they act like they know her? I can't take this anymore. They can't act like she's dead and build shrines for someone who will come back. I grab the pictures of her and hold them tightly in my hand. 

Then I throw the flowers, candles, poems and the rest off her table. The girls try to stop me and the boys start looking at us. “She is not dead! How could you do that?” I scream with tears all over my face.

“Romy calm down! We need to accept this! The police didn't find her yet!” Phoebe says and I’m really close to punch her for that. “But they will! They’ve only been searching for two days! You all are frauds!” I scream as loud as I can, right into their faces. “She will come back and you will regret what you’ve done!” they try to take her pictures away from me but I don't let them. I won't let them kill her. 

They don’t understand that this ‘nice gesture’ means accepting her death. They don’t even care about her being gone.

“Let me go!” I scream when Justin and Luke try to hold me back. I free myself and walk out to the hallway because I can’t stand being in class anymore.

“Some people say she ran away with her secret boyfriend. She's always been mysterious and she never dated any guy from here.” I hear someone saying to another student. “That would explain why she never went out with anybody of this school.” the other one says.

I give them a death stare and call my dad to pick me up. I can't do this today.. I can't sit alone on our lunch table, stare at her empty place and wait for her to come back…

Lucille 

I wake up a little earlier than the other night. Actually I barely slept. I kept waking up and falling asleep again. I’m really tired but I make myself stand up. 

Red hood isn’t here yet... He didn't come to wake me. That means I still have some time. When I walk towards the bathroom, I notice a box on my desk. Was that already here last night? I look around, totally skeptically. Then I decide to walk towards it, asking myself what's in there. It could be a bomb. Or another delivery of white candy. 

There's nothing on it and I'm not sure if I should open it. But it's here and it must be for me. There could also be new clothes in there.

I open it, totally curiously putting my thoughts away and furrow my eyebrows with what I see. My jaw drops. Books. More than only novels and school books. There are pencils, markers and sticky notes. So many… He was here and he got me more than I wanted. He understood what I wanted and expanded my order. 

I have to smile. I bite my lower lip to not giggle. Why did he do this? What made him change my mind?

 He does care. No matter how much he acts like he doesn't, he does and I know it. He won't be able to hide it for too long. Even this little gesture shows how much he actually cares. Or he was just sympathizing because I'm so bored all the time. I don't know and I don't want to think about it too much and ruin it for myself but I wish I could go and kiss him for this.

This is so sweet…. This says more than a thousand words.

I put them away with a huge smile and get ready real quick because I know he'll pick me up soon and this time it'll take me a while. I need to start now. He did something for me… that means I need to cooperate.

When I see him parking in front of the club I rush down. It's a different car this time... It’s a Ferrari but I know it's him. I don’t even ask myself about his car choices. I put something on that he'll like. A really short jeans skirt, a white cropped top and white, knee high boots. I walk down and when I get in the car he looks down at me. 

“Ooff…” he says and I notice that he can’t take his eyes off me. “Ooff.” I repeat and he takes a deep breath. He looks into my eyes and I could swear that he’s trying to hold him back but I can’t swear because he’s hiding it too well. Yet I see how he clenched his jaw. 

“You look hot.” he admits and starts driving. I don't say anything. I just see it as a compliment and try to suppress my smile. “What's up tonight?” I ask instead and watch him. He raises a brow. “You wanna work?” he asks a little surprised and I nod. “Yeah.” I really want to work.

I want to do things that make me forget about my thoughts and maybe get used to this all because if I won't, then it'll be only harder for me. I also want to make things easier for him. Especially because he did me a favor with the books. Which we’re not gonna talk about. We don’t need to mention it. 

“Good because we're going to speed things up.” he says and I nod again. “But first we're going to eat something.” he says and I shake my head. “I'm not really hungry. I don't feel like eating…” I say and see him clench his jaw.

“You must eat something.” he demands but I only sigh. “You can force me to do everything but not to eat.” I say and he gives me a death stare. “If I have to, I'll shove that food down your throat.” he says and I roll my eyes.

“You know how much I hate it when you roll your eyes at me.” he sounds so harsh out of nowhere. He really hates it. It makes him aggressive. I nod. “Uh-huh.” I totally forgot about that. Things like these made him angry. I should make a list about small things that make him angry so I could keep it all in mind.

After a little silence I notice the tattoo on the back of his hand. I didn't notice it before because he didn't have it before. I already analyzed the one on his left hand. It looks like the head of a snake and I'm asking myself if it's going up his arm but the new one looks like a butterfly. 

Did he get that done last night? Doesn't it need to heal?

“You want one too?” he asks, catching me looking and I look up at him. “What? No?!” I shake my head, overwhelmed by his question. He smirks. “But you're getting one.” he says and I start to panic. I’m so stupid for planting new ideas in his head.

I think I'm more afraid of tattoos than of drugs and guns. “But I don't want to!” I insist. “I don't care.” he smiles. I take a deep breath and feel like I'm drowning. Of course he's going to force me to that as well… I should’ve known.

I really don’t want to. I don't want to ruin my body even more. No matter how cool they look on him, I'm sure they'll look stupid and weird on me. My body isn’t made for that.

“But they'll ruin my body and I won't cute anymore!” I says an regret it.

I won't look cute anymore? What am I saying? I was just telling myself that I won't be like this anymore and I still am. I know how much he hates that. He takes a deep breath through his nose and I can already see the muscles on his jaw.

“I'll make sure that you won't look cute ever again...” he says with a raspy voice. “You won't be able to recognize yourself.” I can hear the anger in his voice. Great. I made him angry again. That's not my fault. He's getting angry at every little s**t.

“I just thought it could look unattractive. Because of the jobs, the short dresses and all, you know? What will the people think?” I ask, not finding the words. I need to shut up. I really need to shut up. I’m making it worse. 

His grip around the wheel tightens and I'm sure he's very close to punch me. Why can't I just stop talking? I'm already annoying myself. What did I tell myself? I need to stop taking everything serious. I need to stop worrying.

A few tattoos. There's nothing bad about that. It's not like I'm going to die and honestly dying is better than making him angry.

I swallow and look away. I can hear how deep he's breathing.

I should change the subject and make this situation better. Softer. Thanking him for the things he got me could be a good start but I feel like I can’t do that now.

Toni

I knew it. I knew she's not so different at all. What did I think? That small things would make her different? Of course she's not but I'll make her…