All Night

Separation

Toni

After I drop her off at the club, I drive to Pablo with shaking hands.

We spent hours at the beach. We didn't talk that much but only sitting there and watching the sun rise. until she got too tired, was enough for me to lose my mind. Her silence says so much. I liked feeling her presence. I liked feeling her arm touching mine and looking into her eyes which kept reflecting the ocean...

Now my heart is racing and I'm storming into Pablo's office because I need his help. This man never leaves his office. No matter what time it is. I could swear he's living in his office, instead of in the rest of his mansion.

I close the door behind me and look at him. I’m totally out of breath.

He furrows his eyebrows. I swallow.

“Son? You did not tell me you would come.” he says and I nod.

“Uh... I know.” how am I supposed to start this? I don't even know what I was planning to do, when I came here. I was running away from my thoughts. I walk towards him and sit down when he gives me a sign.

My leg is shaking. I don't even know why. This shouldn't make me so nervous and I definitely need something after this to calm down…

“What's the matter?” he asks, leaning in and I run my hands over my face. “Lucille.” I say and he furrows his eyebrows even more. He looks like he’s going to kill me. My blood goes cold because he never looked at me like that. I need to stop breathing so fast. He must think there's something wrong or that I'm crazy. Well, I am crazy.

“What's wrong with her?” he asks with a deep voice. For a second I ask myself why he gets so serious about her all the time.

He couldn't care less about the other girls. There are things that I don't know anything about but I can't concentrate on that now.

“Nothing... I just had this... Thought.” I say and look into his eyes. “Does she have to be on stage? We have enough strippers and she could do something easier or not do anything at all, I mean I don't even understand why she has to-…” I speak too fast and he cuts me off, totally confused.

“Wait a second. Son, did you even sleep last night?” he asks. I nod. He needs to listen to me. “What exactly are you trying to say?” he asks and I clench my jaw.

“I think… This all went a little bit too fast and she might could feel overwhelmed… She's confused and that's not good because she can't work like this.” I can't believe my ears.

What am I even saying? What kind of explanation is this? Are these words rolling off my tongue? Am I trying to protect her? Hell yeah I am.

Usually I would never give him my opinion on his work or suggest anything but he said that I’ll replace him soon so my opinion matters, right?

“Since when do you care?” he asks, raising a brow. He’s really confused. I can see that. My heart stops. “I don't… She just can't concentrate on what she's doing and it's too risky.” I lie and I actually don't feel for good blaming her but I don't know any other way to do it, yet I bet he knows me to well. He knows what’s going on.

“So you want her to... Not do anything?” he asks, totally confused, raising both of his eyebrows. I lean in.

Of course he would never agree on letting her not doing anything because then there wouldn't be a point in this all but at least I can try to convince him to let her do less. Even less than she's already doing.

“No. no but… At least not… Strip. She's still very young. It's hard. She's fine with the other stuff.” I say and look away. I can barely talk or explain myself. He sighs.

“We already talked about this once and I'm going to tell you the same thing. She's going to do everything that the other girls are doing as well. No joker.” he says and I clench my jaw. I knew it and I hate the heavy feeling it gives me.

When I look at him, he tilts his head a little and looks at me, like he's trying to find something in my face. Again, my heart starts to race and it actually feels pretty warm in here.

“I told you to be nice and careful but not to fall in love.” he says and I've never felt this way before. It feels like he caught me doing a bad crime. As if he exposed me and the walls have ears. I’m embarrassed. But he can't do this to me.

“Don't be too nice. I need your hard and reckless side to replace me. Don't let yourself be too much.” he says and he sounds a little angry. I furrow my eyebrows.

“Seems like you got too attached to her. Don't you dare to.” he says and my jaw drops softly.

He cannot tell me that my heart is not completely out of stone and that I should be nice to her, only to tell me later that I need to stop it. That won't make any sense and that's unfair.

“No, I did not.” I lie. I don't know how far I am yet but I'm sure that I'm not on a good way. He gives me a death stare and my heart stops. Am I going to die now? Damn, I hate feeling like this. I don’t want to lose the place he’ll give me because of something like this.

“I understand she is a pretty, young girl and I told you to not leave her alone because she is something special but I didn't mean to make you fall in love.” why is it so hot in here? The walls that have ears are coming closer. My scalp starts burning and that makes me sick.

“I trusted you with this. I thought you wouldn't get weak.” he says and I feel like s**t. I didn't want him to think that he couldn't trust me. If I would’ve known that I would ruin everything with this, I would’ve never mentioned it.

He's the reason why I'm here and why I'm so strong. I can't allow him to be disappointed in me. “Capo, I really did not-…” I start but he cuts me off…

Obviously we did not lose the reckless badass who has no feelings. The one who raised me and actually I should be like him but I feel like I'm more than a disappointment to him right now. I don't know what I feel right now. It's some kind of anxiety.

“I think we need somebody else who takes care of her from now on. She doesn't even need anybody at all.” he says, reaching out for his phone. Hell no, what have I done? My heart starts racing.

This was what I was afraid of the whole time and I did it by myself. “No!” I say and hold my breath. God damn this was not good. “I mean no... I'll stay away from her.” I say and swallow. I don’t even know what I’m saying.

I could never risk to let somebody else take over. Who knows with which one of the guys she would end up with and I can't stand the thought of not seeing her or seeing her with somebody else who replaces me. I don't know what's happening to me and if it's good or not but I can't change it.

“You've changed a lot son. We should use you for the dangerous and serious jobs again, instead for something easy like this, to get you back.” he says and I have no clue how to get out of this again. I really didn't expect this. I can't get out of this again.

“You need some distance. You'll be on your own for a while again.” he has no mercy and I don't have the right to contradict him. I just look down.

This is bullshit.

I knew what would happen if I would let it happen to me and I couldn't do anything to stop myself. I still don't regret trying and I'll continue to keep trying. I'm doing this, although I'm afraid of being disappointed. this is stupid.

If I want something then I'm going to get it, no matter what it takes and I want something really bad for the first time, so he can't expect me to give up.

“Alright.” I say and clench my fists.

“I'm doing this only for us. You know you're going to replace me and I can't let you get soft. These girls make your head spin. That's their job.” he says and I nod.

“You're not that stupid to fall for them.” unfair... The things he said before and what he is saying now won't add up. But nothing in this world is fair. Especially not here. Nothing adds up. “Of course…” I say.

Lucille

The next night, I can't stop smiling for some reason. I'm arranging the glasses on the bar with a huge smile. while the girls are getting ready.

I'm taking over the shift of Alex. Working on the bar and as a waitress is actually way better than being on stage.

“Who caused that smile?” I hear Giselle asking, before she smacks my ass. My smile gets even bigger and I have to giggle.

Although what happened wasn't a big deal, it still makes me smile because the things he said and how he hugged me gave me another energy boost. Thinking of how we almost kissed and just sat next to each other for hours gives me butterflies.

I'm still a little tired but he gave me some pills that will keep me awake. At least enough for tonight. He's always fixing me in some way.

I fix the bow tie on my neck. It's the usual uniform. Very tight, black shorts and a white shirt that has a huge neckline.

“There is no reason…” I say and grab the round tray. She raises a brow at me and puts one of the candies, in the round bowl on the counter, into her mouth.

“Mhm come on, honey. It has something to do with him, doesn't it?” she asks, playing with a streak of her hair. She knows exactly what’s going on. I never had to suppress my smile so much. My face is already hurting but I shake my head and pressure my lips.

“Nope.” I say as believable as possible. She rolls her eyes and smirks. Of course she doesn't believe me. I roll my eyes as well. She always knows what's going on and I know I can trust her because she’s keeping everything to herself. I admire that and appreciate that. Honestly, if she wouldn't be here, it would be a lot harder.

“I just feel good, okay?” I say and walk to the other end of the bar. “Well I can see the reason coming. See ya later, honey.” she says and I turn around very fast. She winks and leaves, while my eyes meet red hood’s eyes on the entrance.

I hold my breath…

Unfortunately I can already see that he's different today. Not different. More like before. Like he used to be before last night. That makes my stomach drop. These cold eyes are back again and they make everything feel so strange. As if nothing happened last night.

I hate that feeling. I can never be sure, when he's going to change and when I expect too much. I get disappointed very fast.

I walk towards him and he clenches his jaw. “Hey.” I quietly say. He looks away. My heart hurts. “Hey…” it makes me worry that he's acting like this.

Maybe he was just feeling bad these past days so he 'used' me (although that didn't really work) and now he's fine again. Now he is red hood again and he doesn't need me.

“I won't be here for a while. Gotta get more important things done.” he says and I feel this weird feeling in my stomach... Pain in my chest…

I slowly frown. It's not making me angry. I'm sad. I should've expected this…

“I-…” he cuts me off with a deep voice. “I don't know, when I'll be back. You know what to do. Don't wait for me.” he says. I do know what to do. Work, work, work and work even more... And I won't be waiting for him.

Now I'm really thankful that I didn't kiss him last night. I knew it would be the right decision and he knew it too. If I would've kissed him, I would probably be more upset now because that would attach me more to him. I would be heartbroken. More than I already am.

I look at the ground. I don't know where he is going and what he is going to do or why because it's his business and I really don't have the right to ask him anything but I still feel bad. It's not like he's going to leave forever but I already miss him and I hate that.

I've been with him, every night, for four months and him telling me this now… I don't know.

“Okay.”

Toni

After what happened with Capo I just felt like I made a huge mistake. It's not like I'm going to give up but for now it needs to be like this. I don't want her to miss me. I know she will.

She's very young and I know how it feels, when someone who you spend your whole time with. leaves you alone. Someone who you were holding onto. She's feeling lonely…

I wish I could stay but I gotta do what capo says. That's a must. No matter how much I'd love to stay with her and watch the sunset…

I can see how sad she is. What amazes me the most is that she always knows when I change and how I feel. That she knows whenever I'm me and whenever I'm really me. That she handles me the way she has to. I can see that from her behavior and the way she looks. She understands this. She understands that I have to do this and be like this.

A little smile places my lips but I furrow my eyebrows immediately. as soon as she looks back up at me.

I clean my throat. “Do what the girls do and take care.” I say. She nods. I turn around and leave with a bad feeling. It's been a while since I felt this way. Everything is too much.

Now I gotta go back to war.

I know what he means with the more serious and dangerous stuff. Handling strippers and clubs are nothing, compared to the real s**t he puts me out on. He want me to go back to the real stuff that brought me here. I went through a lot of s**t for him... Also for myself. That's why I am who I am now. I can do this. I know I can do this.

It'll only be hard without seeing her for so long. I don't even know for how long. I never expected to get so used to her because that never happened to me before. I can only pray that he will believe me and let me back to her very soon. But I guess for now I just have to keep going with the thought of her...