All Night

Isolation

Toni

This is the second time I get compared to him. This is the second time I get shot in my heart.

Is he going to tell me how dad was? Does he even know what 'when it gets hard' or 'hard times' mean? Of course he doesn't.

Why do they keep doing this? Do they enjoy seeing me in pain or is this something like a hobby? Or a bet? 'Who can hurt Toni more?'

They really have the nerve to talk about me, when I'm not there. They gossip about me. About how much they hate me, how much they don't want me, how much I'm like dad and how they would be better off without me… Then why did she f*****g invite me? Why did she force me to come? Why do they want me to come then?

They are sick. Seriously. They must be totally evil (even more than me) to do this to somebody. How can my family do this to me, when we're the only ones left? The only ones I have…

We should stick together but they always give me a damn reason to leave as fast as I can. They make me run. Literally. They call me, I come, they make me feel like s**t and I leave, promising myself I'm not going to cry. It always goes like this. Every damn time but this time it's not going to be like this.

I turn around as fast as I can and scream “God damn, yes, I am!” my voice comes out very deep. Now I remind myself of das as well. They look shocked. Grayson furrows his eyebrows and slowly stands up. Of course they did not expect this. He better not act like the man of this house now.

“I’m dying to be like him!” my throat is burning and so are my eyes. “I can understand him so well! I can understand why he left and never came back!” I really do. I’m not saying it to hurt them.

These people are really crazy. It's been so many years and he's not been here. Why do they keep bringing him up? Do they think they're going to fix something with saying these things? They're not even aware of the damage they're doing.

And yes. I am exactly like my dad and I'm f*****g proud of that because obviously we're the only two in this family, who have a healthy brain. But these both have been born in hell without any brain cells. I could swear Grayson was born in another dimension.

Do they even know it feels to be alone all the time? They team up and fight against me, all the time, although I never do anything that could hurt them. What war are they trying to win? It's always two against one and I have enough of that. I literally have nobody. Nobody…

I wish that I'd have a normal life and a normal family. even if it would be boring. I'm so jealous of those who have that. So jealous…

“You both are so f****d up and don’t even know it! He did the right thing and I’m so proud of myself, for being like him!” I continue and they don't say a word.

I didn't expect my words to be so heavy to even make Grayson look sad and affected but they deserve it.

I rush towards the door and exit. I really don't have any energy left to deal with them. They've pushed me to the limit and I've crossed my line. He can meet me somewhere outside but I'm not gonna take a step into that house again. I want to be alone. I want to be alone for a really long time. I don't want to hurt myself or the people around me.

They all should leave me alone. It's pissing me off so much, that I'm trying to be a good person but my family makes me bad. And again I'm so angry that I've lost every sense of emotion and love in myself.

I could've punched him for that but somehow I just didn't feel like doing it. I don't know how to explain it but I know that bad blood is flowing through my veins again and it will never be clean enough for me to turn good...

Grayson

He is more damaged than I thought. I did not expect anything from him. Even now, I don't know what to think about his breakout because it's all so confusing but somehow I have the feeling that he's hurt. He’s not angry. He’s hurt. Maybe I went to far…

I thought he was really going to fight me but the way he looked at me was unexplainable. I really can't recognize him anymore. He's not who he's been and he never will be. He's someone else. Someone reckless who has no feelings...

“He's so sensitive. I'm asking myself what we've done wrong.” mom is totally fed up. “Just before his stupid reaction, he was so curious about that girl… Tyler's sister…” she says and my jaw drops. Tyler.

God, I totally forgot about him. It's already too late but I need to see him tomorrow. “And when we asked him about him, he left and freaked out. This boy really has some different interests.” she says and I furrow my eyebrows. That's right.

He wanted to leave right after we talked about Tyler and his sister. Does he know any of them? I don't think so. How should he know them? He has nothing to do with people like Tyler. I'm sure about that.

“Mom, let me help you to clean up and then, I'll sleep. I'm really tired.” I say and walk towards the sink but she stops me. “Go and get your sleep. It's not much. Leave it to me.” she says, with a soft smile and again I can't believe what a lovely angel I have as a mom.

I hug her and kiss her forehead. “I love you so much. Please never forget that. Don't be sad. You still have me…” I say and she tightly hugs me. “I know. That's the only reason why I'm alive…” she says and I look at her.

“Don't say something like that ever again…” I say and kiss her forehead again..”

I hate Toni for this. For letting her down like this and letting her think about these things.

Toni

I go back home and walk into my office. They think they are clever but they gave me such a good idea. These idiots. It's worth it.

I thought I would've wasted my time, until they started to talk about Lucille. Leaving angrily was worth it, yet I'm still mad and need to do something to distract myself.

I'm still shocked about what they said and that Tyler is Grayson's friend but I need to plan everything.

I take out some paper and a pen. I need to write everything down to understand and expect the relationships and connections that could be possible and that I don’t even know about yet.

I don't know, if what I’m planning is going to be the right thing or work but I'm going to do it anyway. Justice for everybody. Mostly for Lucille and I can only try to stay away from her again because I'm going to hurt her. I'll hurt her really bad and I'm sorry for that but there's nothing I can do about it. We're doing to go back to the beginning again, for a while. I don't know for how long but I won't find peace until I'm done with it. I won't find peace until I clear my head and everything else around me that keeps confusing me.

Maybe I'm exaggerating and doing this is totally unnecessary but that's me. I have my reasons or I don't. I'm f****d up. I won't change. I can't change. I tried but I can't.

Lucille

It's been three nights and he still isn’t here. I know he was going to visit his mom after their phone call and I'm worried that things didn’t go well.

I know he wasn't really fine with her and I'm afraid that something went out of control. He didn't tell me much but I can already imagine it since I'm a professional, when it comes to things like these. Or everything went so well that he's staying with her. I can only hope so. I shouldn't be so clingy. I trust him and I know he can handle everything.

When it knocks on the door, my heart stops. If it's him, then I'm gonna lose my mind. He's always coming whenever I think about him. That’s crazy. Can he feel it?

I run towards the door and open it. It is him.

I smile and back off so he can come in. I close the door and look at him.

My smile fades. Obviously things went bad. I'm also a professional in recognizing how he's feeling, I think. Or if he's feeling anything at all...

He has that look again... that 'I don't give a f**k, you're nothing more than a damn whore.' look. That 'I'm gonna make you feel bad and crazy, with only looking at you like this because I know how weak you are.' look. That 'I know you're scared of me because we’re strangers.' look.

No matter how close we are sometimes, he's still scaring me. There are times where he loses himself and gets really aggressive. So bad that I could believe he's going to hurt me as well. So hard that I don't talk to him because I'm afraid he could explode at me.

I just rather stay quietly next to him and do what he says when he’s in these moods.

All I can do right now is to get ready to get stabbed into my god damn heart.

“I'm gonna leave again. Just came to tell you that you should forget about what happened at the beach…” he says and I can feel the tip of the knife, digging it way through my heart... I was expecting a lot but not this.

“Act like it never happened… I didn't meant to make you hope for something that's never going to happen.” he adds and the knife almost reached the other side of my heart.

Just when I was going to believe him, just when I thought things between us would get better, just when I accepted, that I fell in love with him, it turned out as the opposite. Again.

It always gets worse. That's what I meant. When I think he's bad. he's good and when I think he's good he's bad. He's heartless and cold. Maybe he's bipolar. I don't know but I don't think so because he knows very well what he’s doing. He’s doing it on purpose.

He can't say this. I felt his lips and they told me everything that he held back. I know that he felt something. Nobody can kiss like this and not mean it. What changed? I’m so tired of him, not being able to decide what he wants.

Again. I don't want him to think that this is hurting me. although it is. It’s making me angry. Being with him and being close to him feels so good but I always have to expect getting heartbroken the next day. He was the only thing that made me feel good, in all this s**t. Now he's telling me to forget about the thing that turned me into one of the happiest people on earth?

He can't always give me something and take it away from me then. This is so f*****g unfair. That kiss changed a lot in me and now I don't know what to feel or what to say because nothing about him seems honest anymore. It’s hard to believe him, when he acts like this...

I rub my forehead.

“Uh… Yeah, of course. It was-… I start trying to show him that I'm pissed he cuts me off.

He loves stabbing me right into my heart.

I'm not even sure if he's doing it on purpose or not.

“Stupid. We shouldn't be more than this. It was just an act of the moment. We should never cross that line…” he says, making a move with his hands that should represent a line between us.

I hold my breath. I can't hate him for this. I can't do anything. I wish I could hate him and maybe I even do but I'm more mad than hurt.

He can't always make me believe that he also feels something for me and do things for me that make me feel loved and then say these things. But he's right. We should never cross that line.

We shouldn’t even be nice to each other again. We should keep it serious. Obviously there won’t be more than this between us. Never. I don't want him to give me hope.

We're okay like this.

If he wants this, then it's okay. He'll see. He'll regret it. I can only hope that he has reasons. At least he can control himself. He has the guts to actually say it. He's not hiding or acting like he doesn't want me. He just says it straight to my face, instead of leading me on. I appreciate that. At least he's not a liar. Lately I hate liars, as much as he does.

I pressure my lips and nod.

“Totally right. We should never cross that line.” I say, doing the same as him, like there's a line between us, although I don't want it. I need to remember that he's right.

It would ruin everything, if we would be more. It's also ruining everything, when we are nothing. It's already enough to make me crazy. We don't have a future together. Not in this business. Not in this life. He's my boss and Pablo is his boss. We gotta do what the other one says. That's it, I guess.

He was giving me such good feelings these past days. Especially after what happened with Mason. I'm in peace because of him and how he comforted me about it, although I almost had a mental breakdown after that night. I don't want to lose him but this is how it has to be. Again. Let's see for how long we'll be able to keep going like this.

“Yeah… Uhm…” he wants to say something. “You're only working on the bar from now on...” he says and my jaw drops.

That means I don't need to be on stage anymore or do things that will make me uncomfortable?

Sometimes I feel like there's an angel that's protecting me. If I wouldn't know it better, I would say that it's him..

I quickly nod, without wasting another thought on it or making obvious how happy I am about it... It will make everything a lot easier for me. Hopefully…

“I gotta go. Get ready and go down. I'll be back in a few with some new stuff…” he says and I nod again.

Obviously there's really nothing more than this whole business between us right now… Or anymore.

If he can be cold and emotionless. Then I can be like him too. Soft girls don't make it here. That's another thing that I've learned and it's very important.

I've already told myself once to be strong and I think I can actually be now. I'm really tired of being me and I would feel so much better, if I would stop caring and worrying. It's time for changes.

From now on, I'll reflect his emptiness. I’ll shut down and isolate all my feelings. Lock them in a box and throw it away because no matter how much I'll try to lie to myself, there's not such a thing as feeling left in me… Or hope. For nothing.

He kept letting me fly and fall at the same time and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of everything. I won't let him make me weak again. Now it's my turn to let him fall and hurt him like he has hurt me…