A Tale Beyond Destiny

Chapter 8: Disappointments and Freedom (Caliana)

I messed up. I knew that, because the moment that I saw that kind of look on Caleb’s face, I knew that it would be the end of whatever we had right up until that time. I knew that he would never look at me the same way as before, and I knew that anytime from now, he would ask me to leave his place and never come back.

I should have known better, really. I should have just let my instinct get the better of me, that thought that I needed to just wait for him to wake up and not do anything so st*pid. I should have known that I would mess this up, just like what I have always done in the past.

“Caliana.” I heard Caleb call my name, but my eyes remained on the same spot on the floor as I refused to look straight into his eyes. I was too afraid of the expression that I would see. I was too afraid that he would look at me with too much disappointment in his eyes, just like how my Father would look at me whenever I mess things up. “Caliana,” he said my name once again as he closed the stove that started this mess.

I refused to look at him. I refused to see that look that he had on his face. I refused to make things even more difficult than this. Above all, I did not like the idea of showing him how much I was affected by what just happened.

After all, I knew that when I showed him how I truly felt right as of that moment, I knew that he would look at me with so much disappointment. Just like how my Father would do whenever I have done something that did not sit right in his taste. Just like how my family would look at me whenever I made them too disappointed in me.

So, instead of looking straight into his eyes, I just resorted to looking down on the floor as many thoughts started to race into my mind. Instead of showing how much I trembled because of his booming voice earlier, I just resorted to laughing, so bitterly, as if I was also disappointed in myself.

“I did it, didn’t I?” I asked him as I tried to stop the tears of frustration from falling into my eyes. “I made you hate me. I made you look at me just like how my parents had looked at me in the past. I made you see all the disappointments that I had all this time.” I could not stop my voice from trembling, because somehow, I did not want him to hate me, just like all the people of Asphodel had done to me.

“Caliana,” he called my name once again, but this time, it was more stern, as if he wanted to control me; as if he wanted to tell me something, or maybe, shout something.

As of that moment, I could not help but to think that maybe, maybe, I was really the one who had an issue? Or something like that... because right as of that moment, I could not help but to think that my Father might be right. That I am a disappointment. That I was just doing things on my own, without even bothering to think of the consequences. That I was just really a selfish person, and I did not care about the people around me.

“Caliana, listen to me,” Caleb said, which made me look at him for a brief second, but I looked away from him again as I moved backwards. “Come on, do not be like that,” he even pleaded, but I did not want to believe that he was indeed pleading with me.

“I am sorry. I am so sorry...” I said those phrases over and over again as I looked everywhere, but not at him, not at his eyes. “I did not know that would happen. I did not know that I might burn the food, the whole house. I did not know that cooking some food for you might lead to this,” I started to ramble about every word that I could think of, every word that would somehow explain things to him, but I guess it was not enough.

It will never be enough. After all, everything had happened now. I messed everything up. I made him hate me. I made him look at me the way my father looked at me before. I made him think of me as a person who only knew how to f*ck things up, and nothing else.

“I am sorry. I should have known better,” I told him, then I walked past him without even meeting his eyes. My gaze was just on the floor, as if I was too afraid to look at him; as if I was terrified of him. “Please, excuse me,” I whispered as I started to run towards the door.

I did not dare to look back at him anymore, not even when I heard him call my name, not even when I heard his footsteps that I knew would come near me. I just ran and ran until I reached the door, and I did not stop there. I did not look back, not until I was sure that I was already outside of that house, of that building.

I just stopped running when I saw that I was far enough from his house, from him. I let myself take a breath before I started to walk towards a small park that I saw along the way. I could still feel the fast beating of my heart, the racing of the thoughts inside of my mind, and the adrenaline in my blood, but it was not as difficult as before. It was not hard for me to inhale and exhale, unlike a minute ago when I was still inside his house.

Maybe, it was indeed alright that I had decided to go out of his house, because I really think that I would not be able to breathe if I stayed a little longer inside. I think that what I was feeling as of that moment would not be removed if I stayed at his side for a little bit longer.

I let out a sigh as I dragged my feet towards the bench that I saw in that park. There were a few people in that place, maybe because it was just too early to do anything other than run around the place. No one was sitting on the bench, so I decided that I should just take a small break.

I suddenly felt so tired. It seems as if what happened just a moment ago took away all the energy that I had. It seemed as if it had drained me, and my mind started to think that I should not return to that place anymore, because my life would still be the same if I did so.

I could not really help but to think of that, because the moment that I saw that kind of look on his face, my mind could not help but to think of those times when I was still in the palace. I was taken back to those times when my Father always looked at me like that. It seems like all the trauma that I felt all these years came crashing back, and it was all because of the single glance that Caleb gave me.

Tears started to fall down on my cheeks. It seems as though my mind was still on what happened earlier. I tried to wipe it off, but my tears could not help but to fall into my eyes as if everything had just made sense right now.

I continued to cry, silently, until I saw the hand of someone, unfamiliar, who was giving me a handkerchief, and that made me look at my side because I never felt that someone sat beside me. It was as if I was too drowned with my own thoughts and I never paid any attention to my surroundings.

It was a man, the one who sat beside me, and it seemed like he was the same age as mine. If not, he seems like the same age as Caleb. He had this kind look on his face as he gave me a small smile. I looked down at his hands again, then at him, and that made him give me the kindest smile that he could muster.

“I think that you needed this, Miss...” he said those words as if he was so sure that I really needed a handkerchief right now, which I really do, but I did not think that someone, a mere stranger to be exact, would be kind enough to offer me his handkerchief. “Come on. It will not hurt you to accept my offer, you know?” he even joked when he saw the hesitant look on my face.

I looked at him once again, before I hesitantly got the handkerchief in his hands. “Thanks,” I mumbled as I started to wipe the tears on my face, using the said handkerchief from him.

I looked at the scenery in front of me, and somehow, it calmed me even though what I was just seeing was a river and some trees. I could see some birds and other animals from time to time, but still, the calmness of the rivers and the trees was enough for me to take a breath that I never had earlier.

I thought that the stranger beside me had already left, but I guess I was wrong because I heard someone let out a sigh beside me, and when I looked in his direction again, he was just also looking in front of us with a look on his face that I could not describe.

“You know...” he said as soon as I looked in front of us again, but I did not bother to turn my attention on him. I just looked at the river in front of me as I listened to what he was about to say. “Whatever you are feeling right now. Whatever has been bothering your mind, I just want to say that the time in this world was too short to be true, and you might regret that you have never done anything when you still have a chance.”

I stopped and snapped my head towards him when he said that, but still, he was not looking at me. He was still looking straight ahead as if those words were not meant for me, though I doubt it was the case, because it seems like even though I did not know him and even though this was the first time that I met him, it seemed like I knew that those statements were really meant for me.

“You might have too many regrets in the end if you do not do anything, you know?” he said to me, which made my mind start to drift onto countless thoughts, and most of it was all about Caleb. “You are bound to blame yourself, even though, eventually, you will realize that it was not your fault.”

I wiped away my tears again as I sniffed, before I asked him, “What do you mean by that?” as if I did not know what he was talking about; though it was not the case.

After all, the moment that I heard the first sentence that left his lips, I had second thoughts about things. I started to think of everything, and that included him, Caleb, who I had been with - the moment that I went on this world.

“I have been there,” he said, which made me look in his direction with a frown on my face. I saw that he had a sad smile on his face as if he had remembered something from his past. “I was in that state of denial. I had denied that I was hurting, but the moment that I realized it, I got guilty because I thought those times that I sulked would be enough time to be with her, but I decided to be selfish enough and move away from her.”

“My situation is not like that,” I told him as I refused to look at him, though I could feel his gaze on mine.

“But it is somehow similar, right?” he asked, which made me look at him, and that was the moment that I saw that he was smiling at me. I frowned at him and I was about to ask him why it felt like he knew my situation, but I did not have time to do so when I heard him say. “All I wanted to point out is that you have to do the things that you wanted until you can, and do not wait before it is too late.”

“Before it is too late,” I whispered, but it seemed like he heard it because he looked at me once again, then he smiled and nodded his head.

I thought that he would stay for a little longer, but it seemed like he already decided that he had stayed enough and he should go now, because I saw him standing up from his seat. “I hope that you will be able to clear your mind, Miss,” he said to me, before he dropped something into my hands, and when I saw it, my eyes widen in shock.

It was money. Too much money, to be exact. I did not know why he had given me that money, and I almost started to panic again, so I decided that I should just return it to him because I did not really need the money, but the moment that I looked up, I did not see him anymore.

I even looked around me, but I never saw him. It was as if he was already gone and I did not have a chance to return the money any longer. I just let out a sigh as I looked down at my hands again, that were full of money from that stranger.

Then, while I was doing just that, I suddenly remembered what he said first. That I should do things before it was too late. That I should decide so that I would not regret it later. That I should just go and do whatever I want to do, without a fear of anything around me.

“Will I really be able to do that?” I asked myself as I stared at my hands for a very long time.

I honestly did not know what to do anymore. It was as if the moment that I saw those furious looks of Caleb, I started to doubt myself, but when that stranger went on his way and sat beside me, it felt like I had the courage to do everything that I wanted to do in this world, that I had never done in my own home because of my ever controlling Father.

But still, I was torn about what I should do. I was still torn if I would just follow what he said, or let myself get drowned by the negative thoughts inside of my head, which I knew was not healthy, but I could not help myself.

Then, suddenly, I heard the birds all around me start to chirp as if they were helping me with my decision. I immediately whipped my head towards the sky, and that was the moment that a smile started to fall on my lips.

The scene was too good to be true. It was the first time in years that I managed to look at something so beautiful, and it was a plus that the something I was talking about was the outside world. The outside that I was always f*******n to look at. The world that my Father never wanted me to see, because he said that it did not make sense to do so.

Then, the statement that the stranger had said to me, earlier, came crushing back into my mind. “All I wanted to point out is that you have to do the things that you wanted until you can, and do not wait before it is too late.”

I did not know if those words urged me to stand up on my seat, or maybe, the overwhelming feeling that I never felt before was the reason why I did that. Or there might be some other reason that I still did not know about, but as of the moment that my bare feet felt the soft ground, something urged inside of me.

I looked up in the sky and spread my arms as if I was feeling the air around me, and somehow, somehow, a lone tear fell from my eyes as a small smile started to creep out of my lips.

And I thought, I never felt so free before, not until that moment.