Fate: Diabolical

What's in a Name?

Even in my extreme exhaustion I couldn’t quiet my thoughts enough to allow sleep in. I went over, and over the events of the day, working through their hidden depths, trying to formulate a roadmap of my life. If I had been found close to death, then what had happened to me? How had I got there and what (or who!) had hurt me? I looked down at my body as if it were not truly my own, but merely a rental… and maybe even a faulty rental, depending on what had happened to me… Maybe my brain doesn’t want to remember. Maybe whatever happened to me was so traumatic that I shouldn’t remember? Staring at the palms of my pink hands with their still crinkly fingers from the hot bath, I wondered what they had been through. Had any of these bones ever been broken? Had they ever been held sweetly by another? …Had someone ever hurt them?... Did someone hurt me?

This is useless! I’m getting nowhere and simply driving myself crazy! But stuck in this bland room there was no option of distraction. This dingy room felt oppressive and every time I diverted my eyes the walls seem to creep closer, the ceiling sink lower, the floor climb higher. Wait! He hadn’t come back after Ember had left… maybe she wasn’t as keen on keeping me locked up as he was. Maybe she didn’t lock the door? Hesitantly I got up, trying not to get my hopes up, fearing that more disappointment this night could break the camels back. Tentatively I reached out my alien arm and gently pressed down on the handle. The door sprung open with a squeak, making me jump. I hadn’t expected it to open, and truly I almost shut it again right there, but I’m not about to be defeated by a door. The icy air kissed at my toes, and I could smell the fresh snow. Peaking around the door like a misbehaving child, I observed my surroundings. The night was heavy and dark, but the moon was large and almost full, casting its reflective light on the snowy ground and offering me just enough light to make out two other huts on either side of me set out in a semi-circle with a still lightly smouldering fire pit between them. The other two huts were considerably smaller and clearly empty, but aside from these small signs of civilisation, nature overruled here. The cold air was beautifully soothing against my battered skin, but I could feel my dangerous trembling already. Regretfully I closed the door, but the oppression of the room took hold of me by the throat and squeezed. Without sparing much thought I hastily returned to the dresser I had searched earlier and pulled out a navy jumper that I had noted as smelling almost clean. Pulling it over my head felt strangely comforting and I found myself unconsciously pulling the neckline over my nose to inhale the material. Slipping my tiny feet into giant snow-boots, I dared venture outside. This place was so beautiful, even in the darkness, especially in the darkness. The thick boots supported me across the crunchy snow and over to the glowing firepit. I sat on the trunk of a felled tree and threw some twigs on the embers. I have no idea if that would bring it back to life, but it seems logical. Everything felt better sitting outside, with the slowly numbing cold forcing my mind to stillness. Everything felt still right now.  

I lost myself in the overwhelming beauty of the sparkling sky. Craning my neck with my mouth agape as I counted endless stars and traced out magic constellations. The sky brought me such peace that I didn’t even jump at the unexpected voice coming from behind me.

‘Why are you outside?!’

I dragged my eyes away slowly to look at my mysterious man. I don’t know why looking at him makes me feel so weak...I press my hands against the log to support me.

‘Clearly, Ember doesn’t feel the need to keep me locked up…. Why do you?’ There was no accusation in my voice, only wonder. All my fight for the day was long gone.

‘Because it’s dangerous here. She should have locked the door. I shall be having a word with her on the matter’ he said plainly

‘Danger? What are you afraid of? That the mountain wolves will open my door with their paws?’

I had meant to be sarcastic, so his chuckle caught me off-guard

‘You’d be surprised at what wolves can do’

His smile dazzled even more brilliantly than the stars and I clenched harder at the log, looking back to the sky. It’s impossible to look at him without my muscles clenching and my stomach filling with butterflies. The sky was safer to look at, and almost as beautiful.

‘You should come inside. Its too cold for you’

I didn’t move, here was peaceful and there held questions. Questions didn’t seem to matter in the humbling face of the endless sky; with all its billions of stars and promise of the unknown… In its face all life’s qualms felt insignificant.

‘Can we just sit here a while?’ It was barely a whisper, but he heard.

Without answering he lowered next to me, his shoulder pressing against mine. I could feel his warmth seeping through his clothes and instinctively I leaned closer.

‘You’ll get a stiff neck sitting like that’ he commented

‘Such beauty is worth it’ I responded dreamily as my eyes swam in the milky way. Nothing else was said for several minutes before I spoke again.

‘I…I wanted to thank you’ I stammered, nerves tingling at my spine.  

‘Why?’ he questioned

‘Well… for saving me’

Curiously, I felt him tense beside me, enough to force my eyes back to him. The fists on his lap were clenched and his jaw was hard, teeth-on-edge. What had I said? He kept his eyes on his lap as he spoke through clenched teeth

‘What did Ember tell you?’

‘Just that you found me close to death in the middle of nowhere… why? Should I know something else?’

He relaxed immediately and the threatening mood lifted instantly. What was that about? But before I could question, he had fixed me with a solemn stare, his eyes starkly serious, but with a fire behind them.

‘I'm a proud man. I don’t like to be given credit for other people’s achievements’

What is he talking about? Does he mean he didn't save me? His penetrating eyes held both sadness and anger, but somehow I knew that the anger wasn’t for me, and so I wasn’t afraid. In fact, I leaned in closer to him, something in my soul crying to comfort him. He leaned in sync so our faces were barely a hands width apart, his breath tickling my skin deliciously

‘I want you to listen to me very carefully. I don’t know what happened to you that night. What I do know is that I was not the one to save you and I reject your gratitude because it is undeserved. Do you want to know who really saved you?’

‘…Who?’ I barely whispered, lost in the melody of his rich voice

He lifted one finger and placed it on my lightly heaving chest, sending my pulse skyrocketing

‘You did’

His emerald eyes shone bright

‘That night I didn’t find you, you found me. And whatever it was you needed saving from, you had already saved yourself’

He raised his finger from my chest and lightly cupped my cheek in his warm hand, gently stroking with his thumb as he continued, still looking deep in my eyes

‘Don’t ever let anyone take that away from you, and no matter what happens always remember the fighter you are’

I don’t know why my eyes brimmed with tears. Unknowingly he had given me such a precious gift, a small insight into the person I was… a person I can be proud of. One tear escaped down my cheek as I gave into everything I felt, no longer afraid. There was only one more thing I needed to know

‘What’s your name?’ my voice tremored as I asked

His soft smile grew as his hand worked its way behind my ear and into my hair, his other hand smoothing my knee. I closed my eyes, giving in entirely, unashamed now. 

‘It doesn’t feel right to tell you my name when you can’t tell me yours… why don’t you use a new name for now?’

It made sense to give myself a name and I started going over options in my head, but at seeing the thoughtful look on my face he chuckled again

‘No, no, no little one. I will choose you a name, people don’t get to pick their own names, they’re always given to them’

‘But what if I don’t like it?’ I whined, but more joking than serious. I was too lost in the bliss of his hands to feel anything but ecstasy. 

‘Then you deal with it, that’s how names work’ he laughed. He looked around as if searching for inspiration before gazing up into the night sky.

‘Why don't we name you for the sky you're so bewitched by? How about…. Astra?’

I rolled the name around on my tongue, tasting it. It felt good, it felt right. I smiled transfixed on his gorgeous face and he smiled back before regretfully taking his hand from my face and holding it out to me

‘Hello Astra, my name is Ira’

And as she took his hand in hers a star shot brightly over the heads of this destined couple, whose fate had already been determined. So ensnared are we, by the confines of fate.