THE ONE WHO NOTICED

ONE

Trying to make my way to work today was more difficult than yesterday. Getting out of bed felt like a chore in itself. Getting dressed was the easiest part of my morning so far. Not caring about anything has become my new normal, apparently.

Sitting at the bus stop, watching people walk by, has become routine. I observe how they all move with a purpose, wondering what their life is like. Are their lives better, or are they just as lost as I am? These last few months have drained me, and I can't pinpoint exactly what my breaking point was.

I'm dreading going to my day job more than ever. It's like the people around me drain me more than I drain myself. The looks they give me make me question everything more than ever before.

I feel like there was a short period in my life where I was actually happy with myself. I'm not sure when that changed. Now I hate even looking in a mirror. I hate when I'm hungry. I hate when I see couples together. I hate when I do my job by making a sale, knowing I have to question every purchase I make. It's just my thoughts, I know. I'm just unhappy where I'm at in my life, and I haven't seen a glimpse of hope yet for myself.

The bus screeching brings me out of my thoughts, and I move with this I-don't-care pace, plopping down in the seat. Watching the world outside in a blur, trying not to go in deep again.

At work, I have to talk myself into everything I do. Stock the shelves, don't go outside for a smoke. Stock the shelves, don't sit down and eat those chips. Sweep the floor, don't distract yourself with that TV show. Do your job. On constant repeat, watching the clock move slowly until I can get home—which is where I always want to go, but when I'm there I always want to be doing something else but can never actually make myself achieve it.

Once I'm home, I just stay stagnant around the house, preferring my front step outside to sit on until I can finally be so tired that sleep comes easy.

The next day is just the same except I really want to call out today. I have to be there at 4 today and it's already 3. But I know I can't miss a day or my paycheck will take a huge hit. I'll settle for being late I guess. Getting dressed I put on my favorite AC/DC shirt. It's hot out and I like the way I cut it open to catch a breeze. I went with a messy bun and no makeup. It's just tiring these days to put on eyeliner. It's the only makeup I wear, the easiest to do, and I don't feel like taking that little bit of effort. Black leggings and my black boots. It suits my mood these days just perfectly.

I drive today since I work late and the process of driving keeps my thoughts at bay somewhat. I make it to work just in time to be only 10 minutes late. I finish my cigarette and make my way in for another long day. I just wasn't expecting it to turn the way it did.