The Black Herring

The Beginning - Nanette

The night air is thick with an intensive emotion. The music drums in her mind and the more she thinks about the past, the louder the music gets. It drums in her head like a sedative. It makes her feel so alive. She stares out at the night. The moon beckons her. The wind whips her bare skin. All she’s wearing is a night dress. Fear drills in her. The thought of escaping just to let the night cleanse her makes her stop in her tracks.

The door opens. A sturdy boy leans against it. For a second, she let all her fears go out of the window. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks today is her night. The one night of complete and utter freedom. The song of freedom shrills and her heart pulses. It doesn’t matter that tomorrow will come and all the pain of yesterday will pounce on her with such vengeance it bursts through the seams. The mistakes of tomorrow will remain in the back of her head, just like the painful reminders of her past. She slips off her shoes and takes his hand. He pulls her to her, and she smiles at him. Her heart is racing. It almost feels like she’s bound to have a heart attack. He kisses her neck with such gentleness that her heart flutters.

She pushes him back. His head tilts to the side, and he bites his top lip. She can’t pinpoint what makes her always push him away. She knew he liked her, but she wasn’t sure what she felt for him. They were stuck in the same place. Going from one point to the next like itinerants. There was something alluring about Garrett, though. He took her to places no one else could. He smiled at her like she was normal.

As ironic as it seemed, she valued that. She wants people to see her as Nanette Abernathy and not the insane girl who has lost so much. She’s tired of the despondent and pitying looks she gets wherever she goes or the snickers and fake smiles. The world is full of pretentious masks. Sometimes it feels like facades. The wealthy make fun of the less fortunate. It’s always for their enjoyment. Always at the expense of other people. That is there the problem. Something she can never forget or let go of. It renders her helpless. Cue Garrett, who comes to her rescue. The two became fast friends, but then he wanted more, than most people do eventually, from her.

They close the door and move to the music. Garrett dances, jumps and taps his heels. He could always pull off the goofball look. They ran to the hall. There are punch bowls. A few girls stare at their cups as though the drink is poisonous. No one is dancing. A group of people stare at her and she notices she is just wearing a nightdress.

“Forget that. You look beautiful,” Garrett whispers in her ear.

She grins and looks away. He takes that as a sign to pull her to the dance floor. Garrett bobs his head from side to side. It’s so uncoordinated that Nanette hides her laugh behind her hand. Everyone watches them with a look of disdain that they don’t hide. For a few seconds, the music stops and all she sees is Garrett. The one person who believes in her. He’s the light in the dark tunnel guiding her to the opening. When he smiles, her heart flutters and the problems float away until it is just them.

She walks to him and wraps her arms around his neck. He holds her and they dance to the slow prelude to a song. She closes her eyes and forgets for a moment all the pain that has amassed throughout her life. It doesn’t matter that she feels so alone most times. For Nanette, the nights were far too long. She hears the cries of the broken and sees all those who she lost in a single flash. The images blur and swirl around her mind until it becomes a horrendous sight of dots and ubiquitous signs.

Every time she walks up in sweat. The doctors told her to expect that. Since her mind has not gotten over the tragic events of her past. The more she tries to move past it, the pain always pounces like a carnivore on the prowl. Her mind refuses to let go. Her father always told her about tabula rasa. When she asked him, he always said everyone needed a blank slate. Thinking of her father reminds her he’s not around anymore. The walls surround her. She closes her eyes and sees darkness.

She pushes him back and bows her head. “Sorry, I can’t.”

He nods. “You got to let it go.”

As much as she wanted that, how could she simply let it go? Words and images were all she had. They came up to her like clouds from above, always appearing when she least expected it. It was a humorous story, really; if someone else told it, her world would appear more like a movie than reality. She would be like Becca Bisley. The actress who appeared in many movies about lost girls finding themselves. It would be a blockbuster hit for sure. Most movies with Becca Bisley were. Nanette met her a few times. Their families were good friends, but something always kept them from becoming friends. Nanette always hated the hectic life of Becca and thought she allowed herself to drown in her problems.

It’s ironic what happened to Nanette. She’s in a nut house where everyone’s as messed up as her. She’s dancing with a boy who has gashes and bruises on his wrists. The lines are fading away, but it’s still there. The more she thinks about how they have in common and all they don’t, it comes back like a vivid painting. She remembers the first time she saw a painting. Her mother took her to a gallery. A painting so vivid and beautiful as the outside world hangs on the wall. It called to her. A vision of beauty and it was so close for her to touch, but she didn’t. It became hard to breathe. Her eyes welled up as she stared at this picture of a mother and daughter staring at the sky. A maze of greens, blues and violets.

When she looks at Garrett, she thinks of that painting. It reminds her of all the beauty and the pain in one moment. She knows by the cut marks that Garrett is as broken as her and the thought of that frightens her. It pushes her off the edge and no one will catch her when she falls. How can they? She’s as broken as them.

“I need fresh air.” she ran out of the hall and down the corridor. Her bare feet tap the wooden floorboards. The smell of detergent lingers in the air like a veil. She takes a deep breath when the cold air nips her skin. Her knees hit the ground. Her knees sting, but she ignores them.

She stares at the sky. The nights twinkle in the milieu of darkness. Her whole body aches and so does her heart. She wraps her arms around her chest and takes a deep breath. Her throat clogs and her eyes sting. She rocks back and forth. The images come with fury. Dark empty shells of her previous life. An image sears in her mind. It’s as lucid as the day when she saw the man with the hood. The man who took everything from her and, in the blink of an eye, her life shattered. Everything has turned into dust and as much as she wants to go back in time, she can’t.

A few minutes pass, and Garret joins her. He says nothing. Nanette felt his mind turning. There were moments when he knew her better than most. She wishes he could say something. Anything really to ease her mind. She’s known Garret for four months. Nanette understands he is a man of brief words. Often, he seems to be miles away.

Nanette takes a deep breath. Her fears were at the edge of her mind. The wind tickles her skin. She wishes she could go back. The problem is that part of her knew she can’t.

“Did I do something wrong?” Garret asks. It’s almost a whisper.

Nanette crosses her arms. “No.” She looks at him. “Do you think you can ever go back?”

He tilts his head. “I don’t understand.”

Nanette inhales the cold air. “I’m tired, Garret. Of feeling like this. Feeling hopeless. I was thinking of when I didn’t feel like this. And you know what the answer is.”

He shakes his head. “Guessing you will tell me.”

Nanette smiles. “Yeah.” She clenches her fists. “It was when I was a child. When my parents were alive. That is when I didn’t feel broke.”

Garret says nothing for sometime. Then he gets closer to her. He pulls her towards him. More than comforting words, that’s what Nanette needed. Not to feel alone. There were times when Garret knew better than the people from her past. Moments when she felt so comfortable around her. Yet, she knew better than most that it wouldn’t last. It couldn’t. Her memories were flickers of a past so ridden with pain. It came to a halt. It happened every time. Nanette’s parents died when she was very young. Parts of her childhood were very joyful. The memories were filled with exuberance that often it was as if she was dreaming. It could be she was. Memories are fickle. That is what she was often told. That time corrupted them. She assumed it was what happened to her.

Parts of her memories had holes. As if someone cut the memory cord and it was leaking. Yes. Nanette felt broken. More times than she wanted. Standing there with Garret, she thought she knew that things would get better. She hoped it would. Naively. But one can hope even that hope bleeds onto the carpet of pain.

Nanette stares at the flickering of stars in the sky. Then Garret pulls away. He glances at her. He smiles and steps backward. Someone comes out of the house. Wards tailing behind him. Garret nods at Nanette. She nods twice. The ward is a tall man with wispy hair. It is the first time she’s seen him. Though it looks like Garret knows him. He says nothing. Nanette isn’t sure what he could say. He follows the ward inside. Nanette’s insides twist and knots. Her knees weaken. Her throat tightens. Nanette and the boy walk inside. Days like this at the Douglas Institution are far between. The dancing floor is empty. Every must be on their way to their bedroom. Nanette was to go find Garret. Something about that look says everything and says nothing at all. It was a contradiction.

Instead, another ward comes and escorts her to her bedroom. Once the door closes. Nanette paces in her room. She eventually falls asleep. Her mind wanders the halls of death. Then it hits her. She tastes blood on her lips. Her mouth tastes of copper. Spikes prick her skin. It’s happening again. Not now. Her eyes open. Her heart leaps. Everything inside her twists into a loop. One word landed her a heavy blow. Death. Someone has just died. She never thought she’d go through that again. Here it is. But who can it be? The question floats in her mind. Nanette’s eyes are heavy, but she refuses to close them. To lean into heavy sleep. If someone died, then things were about to change. Everything. There’s nothing she can do about it. When death strikes, it’s a sigh he’s approaching. Shivers ran over her body.

Nanette sits up. Her body aches. He’s fast approaching. She needs to get out of here. Nanette clasps her hands. She jumps and goes to the door. She knocks on the door, then stops. Nanette slips to the floor and cradles her head. It’s happening again. She opens her mouth to scream, then bites her lips. She rocks, hoping the pain will stop. It never does.