The Soulless

Chapter Two. The needles in my eyes

I quickly shoved the letter and the picture inside the backpack and hid it under the hospital bed. Then I laid back in a fetal position, covering my head with the grey sheets. I didn’t want to see or hear anything, especially my thoughts. 

I have no idea when I fell asleep, but the harsh sunlight seeping from the windows woke me up later the next morning. The electronic clock on the wall against me said it was a little past 10 a.m. and on the bedside drawer there was a large colourful bouquet with flowers whose names I didn’t know. Someone had thought of me? Someone knew who I was? Knew where I was?

Excited, I grabbed the small card attached and tore it free. 

“Fast recovery,

the Blackthorns.”

Another name I couldn’t recognize. People from my past life, to whom I meant something, but who had nothing to do with the current me. Disappointed, I was about to crush the card between my fingers when I heard a polite knock on my door. 

“Come in,” I said weakly and a minute later an unfamiliar man, who looked in his fifties by the way his light hair greyed at the sides, entered the room, a nice smile on his friendly face. He walked eagerly towards me, his pale blue eyes smiling along with his whole being, while he extended his hand in greeting. “Hello, Miss LaFey. My name is Jonathan Blackthorn.”

I shook his hand, returning the smile instinctively, suddenly feeling warm and calm in his presence. Jonathan Blackthorn was still unfamiliar to me, I had no idea if and when I had met him before, but there was something in the way he looked at me, in his honest gaze and his whole presence, that told me immediately that I could trust him.

He took me in with a quick concerned gaze, then the smile rested back in his eyes, he relaxed a little his tense shoulders. “I suppose you are wondering if you know me. Unfortunately, we haven’t met before. Me and my son, Carl, found you in the wilderness a few days back.”

“Oh… well,” I lowered my gaze, suddenly feeling uncomfortable, “Thank you, I guess.” I wasn’t sure what else to say when he just stood there in my room, looking at me expectantly.

When it was clear the silence between us was going to stretch, he made one step more and sat in the visitor’s chair beside my bed. “Look, Concitta… Doctor Jacobs told me about your situation. We checked the police reports nearby, but no missing persons were matching your description.”

“s**t!” I blurted before I was able to stop myself. I hadn’t thought of the police yet, but it still stung. If nobody reported me missing, then either nobody knew I was missing, or they just didn’t care.

“Do you have where to go once you leave the hospital?” Mr Blackthorn asked me, bringing me back to the harsh reality of my current life.

“I haven’t thought about it yet,” I admitted. “My head is a mess, I have no idea what I am doing.”

“My wife and I would be happy to have you in the house with us for the time being if you would like to. Just until you get better, we have a spare room anyway…” There was something in his voice that made me look back into his eyes. I could hear his steady heartbeat somehow, which to my surprise made me believe him, somehow in the way he seemed like an open book in front of me with his honest winded face and his relaxed stance, I could read he was not a bad person... Still, stay with them?

“Thank you, but…” But what, I thought. I couldn’t think of any reasonable thing to say to refuse.

“M-my wife would be really happy to have you, you know. Another girl to talk to in the house. I think she is going crazy with so many guys around.” He seemed so honest when he spoke. His pale blue eyes reminded me of ocean views and sights I couldn’t quite place in time and space and made me feel like a fraud.

“It is not just that. I… I am sure my name is not Concitta. And I don’t think you should be so eager to welcome someone with a fake name under your roof. I just don’t think it is safe.”

                “I don’t understand. Didn’t you say you couldn’t remember?”

                “I don’t,” I replied and reached for the backpack. After some digging, I took out the picture and the letter and tossed them at him. “I suppose one wouldn’t write a fake name on a picture like this.”

                He examined it for a brief time, then gave it back to me. “No, I don’t suppose they would. But definitely would put a fake name on a document. Just to think of how much trouble my sons used to get into for stuff like this when they were younger.”

                I pressed as if I couldn’t believe I deserved his help and somehow needed to convince him I wasn’t. “Yet, no one ever found them alone and unconscious in the wilderness.”

                Mr Blackthorn didn’t reply for a long time, thinking of whatever argument to give to convince me I was not the bad guy in this story. However, while I watched him I discovered I enjoyed his company. He was calm and collected, there was goodness in his open eyes and honest smile. I just knew, I had no idea how, that he was as nice as humans went. Whatever the hell that even meant.

                He finally spoke, his eyes lighting up with the gentlest of smiles. “Still, please promise me to think about it. Abbie and Carl will be thrilled if you accepted.”

                I gave up with a sigh. “Alright, I will think about it.”

                Mr Blackthorn was gone a short while after, leaving me alone with my doubts.

                A few more hours passed, hours I spent in meaningless contemplation of the ceiling, drowning in dark unhappy thoughts. I was trying hard to squeeze my brain for at least one memory, even the stupidest I could get, but with no success. My head, my soul, everything that was supposed to make me me, was gone, empty like a shell tossed to the side.

                My questions rose rapidly instead of the answers. What kind of a person was I? Had I loved this Adan guy? Did I have any friends or family at all? Why was no one coming to search for me? How old was I? So many little and bigger things that were supposed to fill one’s life. Things and details that helped everybody function in the world and stand their ground. And there was me, alone, lost.

                How was I supposed to focus on where I would go tomorrow after I was released from the hospital when today I felt like the loneliest creature in the entire world? I was like a lost electron, cursed to float around without a core. How could anyone understand what I was going through? Neither the doctor nor Mr Blackthorn had any idea what it was to be in a situation like this. And to think that they were the only people in the entire world that I knew right now!

                There were no new visitors for me that day, just the nurse bringing me a tray with some disgusting hospital food. She didn’t say much, just that tomorrow I would be let out of the hospital, thinking that this news would cheer me up. Instead, it terrified me. The realization that I indeed had nowhere to go hit me. Now what?

                I stared at the stupid smile of the woman standing across my bed, writing something in my med card, and fell deeper into the questions without an answer. It seemed I really was the stupid damsel in distress that desperately needed saving.

                I jumped to my feet, feeling dizzy for a brief moment, and taking Mr Blackthorn’s card, I dialled his number. It felt extremely uncomfortable to call him and ask for a favour once I had already refused it, but he immediately cleared my doubts when he answered right after the second beep. He seemed happy to receive my call, a woman’s voice near him telling me not to worry about anything. They promised they would come to pick me up the next day.

                The next morning I woke up with the sunrise. I felt some unfamiliar thrill, as a preschooler on their first day at school. I was excited to go out and see the world that so much scared me at first. I quickly jumped in the old clothes I found in the backpack and they were a perfect fit. It felt weird at first to walk in the old sneakers as if I was used strutting around in some stilettos or something, which felt odd, because, wasn’t it be the best feeling ever to be able to walk on flats?

                I stared at my image in the mirror of the bathroom for the longest time. I tried to search for some distinctive features, convincing myself I found some – a freckle under my lower lip, my smile looked a little crooked, and if I smiled especially widely, dimples showed on my cheeks. And my eyes were not exactly brown, but in kind of a lighter shade, like amber pierced through the sun, like honey. Well, that was a stupid comparison, but I didn’t have much life experience to put it into other words. It was not that much, but it was mine. I tied my hair in a messy ponytail and waited for Mr Blackthorn in silence.

                He didn’t take long. At 9 a.m. he was at the hospital.

He greeted me warmly and we headed towards his truck after I was ready with the documentation at the administration desk. I followed him with surprisingly fast steps for someone who had just survived an animal attack, but in reality, I didn’t feel any pain, or wounds for that matter. With each step I took, I stared at the people around me with the hope to recognize someone or be recognized. Nothing of the sort happened, however, and I was thankful for M. Blackthorn who distracted me with stories about his son Carl who had just come back from college for the summer to work on the farm. And I asked questions about him because I was genuinely curious and wanted to know the people who would welcome me under their roof when I had nothing and no one else cared.

                I didn’t realize when we were outside, but a piercing pain blinded me the minute I stepped under the sun. It hurt so bad that I screamed, falling to the ground, suddenly struck with the pain. It felt like someone was sticking needles right in my irises, cold tears run down my cheeks.

A moment later a curtain of darkness fell over me and I was lost within it.