DUST BENEATH THE OCEAN

The Residue of Pain

Chloe arrived at her house late at night. She parked the car abruptly in the garage which made the concrete cry. She crossed the pathway toward the main door without minding the moon shining brightly above her. The surrounding was very quiet. No honking of vehicles, chatting of busy people, shouting of naughty children and many more elements. The wind blew cold, but Chloe felt nothing except the pain coming from her aching feet.

'Why wear expensive shoes with high heels that would simply make your feet ache?'

She complained merely to herself.

As soon as she reached the big main door, she started ringing the doorbell. She did it for the fourth time, but no one answered. ‘’My God! Where are they?’’ She murmured worriedly. She thought of producing a duplicate key even though it would cost her some money. She sighed with gravity because of lassitude then tried to ring the bell for the fifth time. The door opened to her widely when she was about to press the doorbell. A fifty-two–year-old woman with an average height and chubby body appeared in the middle of the door. She had slumbered for just less than an hour. Ana, her beloved housemaid, massaged the back of her hands across her weary eyes. “Oh, my goodness! I’m so sorry if I made you to stand here for so long.” She said apologetically. “It’s okay. You’ve nothing to worry about.” She got inside while Ana closed the door. She crossed the wide living room. In the silent night, she heard nothing except the sharp staccato of her heels and sat on the dark maroon sofa with a sigh of relief. “How’s the party?” Ana asked her softly with the Bisakol accent. Bisakol is a mixed language with a touch of Cebuano and Bikolano. “Well, it was great.” Chloe answered her softly and with the feeling of disappointment. “I thought it was great but why are you so lonely?” Ana had walked toward her ready to comfort her. “I’m just tired.” Chloe answered Ana trying to avoid her eyes.

Ana had been the housemaid of the family for more than thirty years. Ana knew everything about her. She stood as the second parent when her parents were not around especially for business trips abroad. She was the only housemaid to whom she could confide her feelings because Ana considered her also as her daughter. Moreover, she knew how to keep the secrets of the family. “I know what you feel this time my dear.” She started with a very soft and comforting voice. “I know that you still love him, but Alex now is a priest and destined to serve the people and God and you have to move on.” Ana was right she must start to teach her heart to move on. Could she really do it? A big question that she should not simply answer but of course needed an action. The wall which served as the limit was reached and the only way for her to continue her journey in life was to transmute her course of voyage. She was afraid, but she would try. The greatest fear she had in her life had already come. She would try to fight it to let it subside and be gone forever. She remembered the text message of one of her college friends. Math tells us three of the saddest love stories. First, the ‘’parallel lines’’ which are never meant to meet. Second, the ‘’tangent lines’’ which are meant to meet once but are parted forever. Third, the ‘’asymptote’’ which can get closer and closer but can never be together.

She felt they were just tangent lines which were meant to meet once but were parted forever. Forever was true to her but a painful one. “Moving on is not about forgetting everything. Moving on means… trying to accept the reality that not everything in this world would fall in your way the way you wanted it to be. That the two of you… could never be together and you must think of him as… a part of your past that sometimes had changed your life for you to be a better person.” She sat beside her now and caressed her back. Chloe tried her best not to let at least a bead of tears drop. She wanted to show to Ana that she could handle everything all by herself. Ana had a point even if it was not everything at least it left something in her life. Whatever it would be, maybe, he made her life stronger. However, all the memories came back to her mind and the reality that happened just a few hours ago made her falter. The idea that she could no longer feel his warm kisses and hugs made her heart cry quietly in pain. She saw in his face that Alex had already moved on. There was no mark of the past on his face. But she had just started so or even barely tried to start. “I have to go now to my room. It’s very late and you also have to take some rest.’’ She stood, thanked Ana, spun around and went up to her room. “Good night, sweetie. I will take good care of everything here.” Ana’s voice was fading as she was on the way to her room.

It was almost midnight, but Chloe was still awake. She lay on her bed and her eyes stared at the dark ceiling of her room. She could hear her breath in consonance with the sound of the clock. The flimsy rays of light which illuminated from her lamp enhanced her loneliness. For the last six months before the ordination of Alex, she always went to bed late at night that made her to prepare lesson plans which were good for a month in her netbook. The fear that Alex could no longer be hers forever brought insomnia. When the night comes, and she lays in her bed, she could not stop from thinking about him until her head ached that forced her to sleep just to ease the pain. She hoped that someday, somehow Alex would change his mind for the last chance and would choose to marry her over God. But God was really the stronger choice. Her prayers were just a mere whisper in the wind and just taken for granted as it rose above the involute interstellar expanding universe and carried away to the vast infinity of nothingness. Selene and Ana were right, she still loved him. In the very first place, she thought that attending the ordination could ease and heal everything especially her broken heart. She thought it was her chance to see the reality of the situation which would convince her mind to start to move on, but she failed. The more she tried to erase Alex from her mind; the more he made a mark in her heart. She pulled herself up and sat on the edge of her bed. She stared idly at the dark floor. She stood then started to walk out of her gloomy room toward the kitchen. She thought of coffee, milk or tea.

'Coffee would be great. Decaffeinated one.'

It would be a big help to warm the coldness she felt in her entire body. She traced the ten - meter corridor on the way to the stairs. The skimpy lights came from the small bulbs which were arranged in an alternate manner made her see the white tiles of the floor. She was on the first landing of the stairs on the way down when Alejandro’s image appeared unwelcomed in her mind. She did not know why his image flashed to her mind. Chloe could not forget his rounded and slightly big light – blue eyes which looked so deceiving. His thick eyebrows and sharp jaw were a complement to his masculine face. Chloe thought that she was mesmerized by his handsomeness. But the moment she saw him, she did not experience a sudden change in her heartbeat.

She remembered Micole’s words of wisdom to her when they were in third-year College. The two of them sat on the bench while they ate their snacks. ‘’You know Chloe; the moment I saw Landen for the very first time; I felt something different. My heart did beat faster than usual. My body was filled with sweat.’’ Micole talked while masticating her burger. Chloe felt Micole’s frisky right hand as she moved. ‘’Did you feel that about Alex?’’ She simply answered her ‘Yes’. Micole slapped her in the shoulder and burst with laughter. ‘’I told you, Chloe. Alex is your destiny.’’ Chloe answered her with a gentle smile while she caressed her shoulder to remove the slight pain produced by Micole’s restless hands. After two years, since they graduated, Micole and Landen got married. It seemed the feelings that Micole said before was only applicable to her because Alex would never be her destiny.

The moment she reached the kitchen, she poured herself some coffee then went on the rounded and colored– glass table. As the mug touched the plate, it created a tinkling sound that made her alive. She pulled a wooden chair then sank automatically in it. She played with the spoon as she stirred the coffee when she noticed the wave and the whirlpool it created. She found out that when she stirred it vigorously, deeper whirlpool produced, and great danger may come but when she stirred it in the normal way a slight whirlpool produced.

'Less damage and danger.' She thought.

Probably, her life now was like the coffee in the mug. The more she tried to insist herself to the situation which would never happen; the more she had experienced pain. But life here in the world was always a challenge. For Chloe, the more she experienced pain the more she was being challenged. Stop or go. She had choices to make.