Letting go of Pain

Chapter 34

Two days have passed and the more numb and closed off I have become.  I ended up calling Ryan the other day but he didn't answer. He is probably busy and doing something with his life. People would think that after I have been reunited with my real dad and brothers that my life would be a fairy tale. Well, their wrong. Life is not filled with fairy tales and fantasies, instead it is filled with cold-hearted reality. 

You're a murderer

You're the reason he died.

He loved you and you killed him.

A part of me knows this isn't true but then again maybe it is. If he wasn't working the extra shifts.. if he hadn't worked that day.. if only. If only overcomes everything, it overcomes my sorrow to overcoming the heart ache. How do two little words bring so much heart break? Tomorrow is just a daily reminder of the day I lost my hero. The hero who used to stick up to my bullies. The hero who used to take away all my sadness and tears. The hero who used to be able to break every fall. The hero who used to make the dark world shine a lot brighter. 

I miss you.

But if he saw me now, what would he see? Would he disappointment? Would he see pain? would he see a broken girl? Or would he see his bumblebee? I wish he was here so badly, he was my best friend. How does one miss someone so much? I wish I was the one who died that day. 

If you died he would still be alive. Margaret and he would have lived a happy life together. Your father and brothers wouldn't have to live with a burden. If only you weren't alive then everyone could be happy. 

The hot burning water flowed down my body burning my skin. I didn't care about the pain, all I wanted was the hands to wash away. I want the scars to wash away. I just want my past and pain to wash away. I turned the water off and wrapped my body with a big fluffy towel. My shoulder has also healed a lot and I took out the stitches myself this morning. Though that was out of Alex's knowledge. I also don't have to wear a sling anymore which is good because now I can practice. though me not wearing the sling anymore is also out of his knowledge. whenever he or my brothers or father is not around I take it off. But I always slip it back on before they come and see. My skin was bright red and looked very flushed I didn't waste any time to put the brace on for my ribs and to grab random baggy clothes for myself. 

I went back into the bedroom deciding whether or not to go down to the kitchen where the others are. But I just want to be alone, I don't want anyone to see me. I just want to hide and pretend that I am invisible. I opened the window and sat out on the ledge letting my legs hang. If only I had my smokes with me. I thought to myself chuckling dryly. I wish that they never took them away from me. they were one thing what actually calmed my nerves. The sky was bright and filled with big fluffy white clouds shinning over the forest and fields. If he was here he would have taken loads of photos. It is weird to think that a sky and day that can shine so bright can be so gloomy at the same time. The world is like a mask it appears to be beautiful and peaceful but when you look behind the mask you can the dark secrets it tries to conceal. I heard the door open but I couldn't be bothered to see who it is. "Hey, piccolo". Alex's voice was soft, I didn't respond I just acted as if I didn't hear. I then felt arms snake around my waist pulling me out of the window. I huffed in annoyance and skulled crossing my arms around my chest. "Can you not". I snapped at him glaring at him with my cold eyes, his eyes then darkened. 

"lose the tone and attitude". He snarled I rolled my eyes the walked past him shoving him. Before I could walk further away he caught my wrist pulling me to him. "Brea I will not tell you again". He growled glaring at me with dark chocolate eyes full of anger. I smiled sweetly and batted my eyelashes mockingly at him. "Sorry, what did you say"? I asked while pointing out my ear sarcasm dripping in every word.  "Give me your phone". He demanded taking out his hand waiting for me to give it to him. I rolled my eyes and walked over to the nightstand chuckling darkly to myself. Does he seriously think this is going to affect me? "Ok, here you go"! I chirped my voice sounding ever too sweet. He narrowed his eyes at me his eyes hinting with confusion and frustration. He probably thought with the threat of him taking my phone I would throw a tantrum or something. "Do you not care"? he asked anger dominating in his tone. "why would I care fancy man". I said in a 'duh' tone. "this is your phone, not my phone. I don't use it anyway and I have never used a phone before, so why should it bother me if you want your phone back"? His eyes slightly softened and he sighed frustratedly running a hand through his hair. He then gave me my phone back, I raised my eyebrows at him confused. "c'mon we need to go downstairs for breakfast". I scowled and rolled my eyes. "I'm. not. hungry". I gritted out through my clenched teeth. "I didn't ask, and what is up with you? Are you ok? I chuckled shaking my head. he has known me for what two weeks? And now this mother f'cker thinks he knows everything about me? not that long ago my so-called 'brothers' were asking dad to send me away. Now? They suddenly want to act like a loving protective big brother. Well, these so-called 'brothers' can suck my big fat toe. They are only nice to me because of my dad and because of pity. 

"I'm fine! And I am not hungry". His eyes darkened and took a deep breath before saying something. "It wasn't a request, it was an order. You are now obliged to eat three meals a day which is a rule what we have all created. And if you don't want me to put a feeding tube down your throat I would advise you go downstairs and eat your god damn breakfast".  I stood up to him narrowing my eyes up at him. He might be a whole lot taller and bigger than me but that doesn't scare me the slightest. In fact, it only encourages. "Well 'fancy man' I wasn't asking for permission". I snarled poking my finger roughly at his chest. Before I could protest further he grabbed me and swung me over his shoulder than carried me down to the kitchen. 

He basically threw me down on a stool catching confused glances from my brothers. Alex then interrupted my many thoughts by putting a large bowl of cereal and a cup of steaming tea in front of me. I was thankful for the tea, but the breakfast I was doing everything within me to not vomit. "Thanks". I mumbled already sipping on my tea. Alex gave me a tight smile then poured himself some black poison. Dad came over to me and kissed my forehead and sat down next to me. "Hey baby, did you have a good night sleep"? I looked over at him and gave him a tight smile.

"There is my bumblebee! Shining bright and sunny for the new day". He picked me up twirling me around the kitchen getting scowls from Margaret. "Morning daddy"! He smiled widely and kissed all over my face earning a lot of giggles and 'ewws' from me. "s-stop daddy your beard tickles". I giggled squishing his face together with my small chubby hands. "ok-ok baby I will stop". He sighed. "only because you're my bumblebee! Now tell me all about your dreams from last night".

"I slept fine". My voice was blunt and cold. I thought I could handle Vince being my dad. But it is just making everything harder. Everything about him is a daily reminder making the ache only feel worse. Bruno kissed my cheek making me scrunch my face in disgust. "What's 'got my twinnys knickers tied up in a knot'". He asked cheekily gaining all the men's attention in the room. "Nothing, I am fine". I huffed in the annoyance of being asked that all the time. I am used to people not giving me any attention and not thinking twice about me. But since I have been here everything that I have taught myself and learnt is now going downhill. Because all these people do is dig and dig until they know. Every. Single. f*****g. Thing. About. Me. 

But little do they know I have no intention of bringing down the wall I have spent so much time building. 

We all ate breakfast, me listening to dads and the boy's conversations and arguments. Those boys fight more than the bloody girls from mean girls. I thought girls were bad. But no.... these boys take the biscuit. I was eating my breakfast in peaceful silence when suddenly my phone rang.

Ryan.

All of their heads snapped to mine with furrowed expressions. Before I could say or do anything. "answer it here". Enzo ordered sternly. I nodded stiffly and answered the phone feeling my small anxiety in my chest building. I swiped the iPhone answering it pulling it my ear waiting to his voice. 

"Hello? Who is this I received a missing call from you"? I could feel tears brim up in my eyes I hadn't realised how much I had missed my best friend until now. 

"H-hey". My voice cracked a bit making me silently curse. 

"OMG is that really you.. bestie"? His voice went so high he sounded like a high school girl which made me giggle. 

"Yes, it is me dumb head ". I rolled my eyes but couldn't wipe off the large smile on my face. if Ryan saw me he would be teasing me like crazy. But lucky enough for 'me' I have dad and the boys judging me for him. They were all giving me confused looks. 

"OMG gosh! I have missed you so much! What the f**k Breanna? I haven't heard from you for what? 2 whole f*****g weeks?! I thought you died or your family murdered you. I was ready to fly over there and whoop their asses". I rolled my eyes at his little ramble leaning back in my seat. 

"are you done"? 

"are you kidding? I am just getting started! I heard about the trial by the way, you can always talk to me. you know? Also, how are your family like? Are your brothers nice? What is your father like? Are they dickheads? Are they treating you good? Do I need to beat them up? Just say the word, and I will get the next flight over there".

"Ryan"?

"omg don't worry I am already booking the flight. Now just hang in their hon bestie is coming to save the day".

"RYAN"!

"what"? he said sounding confused which made me do an exaggerated eyeroll.

"are you going to let me speak"? before he could say anything I cut him off. "To answer your question, I am fine. And my family are just fine as well". They all raised their eyebrows at me knowing we were talking about them. 

"that's great! So what are they like? Are they nice"? I sighed heavily sometimes Ryan reminds me so much of an overwhelming mother hen. 

"They are fine". I glanced over at all of them while sighing. "they are better than what I expected". I mumbled quietly. 

"I am so happy for you! I know that you are the most closed of person in the whole wide world but... try to open up a little bit". I shift uncomfortably in my seat. 

"ok".

"so did you really just call me because you missed me"? he said in his over teasing voice. 

"bye".

"wait"! he yelled through the phone line making me cringe. 

"yes"? I asked while sighing.

"make sure you call me more often! And I will be texting you every day! Andddddd if you don't reply I will be flying over to America just to whoop your sorry cute ass". I rolled my eyes at his weirdness at what he calls 'charm'.

"fine! Bye"! I hung up the phone. My voice was cold and blunt but the big smile on my face told a whole new story. 

"who was that"? Bruno asked nudging me gently looking concerned as well as the others. "Ryan". I shrugged taking another sip of my second cup of tea. 

"What a boy"?

"is he your boyfriend"?

"did you forget the rules"?

"block his number"!

"I am going to kill this guy while I cut off his d**k"!

"why would you talk to him"?

I stared at them all with judgmental stares. Why does it matter if I talk to a guy? That should be the least of their worries about what I will do. "he is my um friend". I said in a confused tone giving dad a 'what the hell' look. He sighed heavily running his hand through his thick raven hair. "fine I will approve of this friendship but only if it stays as friends. understood"? my lips turned into a frown real quick. Why the hell should I need his approval of my friends? "whatever makes you happy". sarcasm dripping in every word as I batted my eyelashes sweetly at him. 

Bloody mindless boneless scumbags.