Letting go of Pain

Chapter 31

We drove off in complete silence me sitting in the middle in between my twin and Louis. 

Such fun... I patted my foot against the floor of the car trying to distract myself from the overcoming anxiety in my chest. But it felt impossible, I tried my best to hide my shaky hands. But even that increase the overwhelming anxiety. I scratched the top of my hand with my nails trying to ease the tightness in my chest. The more I dug my nails the redder it got. A large pair of hands caught my hands and held onto them giving them a gentle squeeze. I looked up to see Louis with his lips twitching up into a small smile. I sighed heavily and tried my best to ignore the attention I was receiving. "You ok"? Bruno leaned down to whisper placing his hand on my knee giving it a comforting tight squeeze. 

"y-yea I'm fine". I cursed under my breath for my stutter. Bruno seemed unconvinced as he was giving me a 'I don't believe you' look. "Would you like to connect your phone to the radio and play some music baby"? Luke asked giving me a cord to plug in my phone. I looked at them sceptically but they all including Vince gave me reassuring smiles. I plugged in the phone and played Clair de lune. My body instantly relaxed to the soothing melody as if I was compelled. They looked at me shocked probably surprised about my choice of music. They probably thought I would be into pop music or something... 

"Sorry". I mumbled slightly embarrassed, not everyone was into listening into these types of things. "Don't be honey! This is beautiful what is it called"? My ears perked up I love talking about music. "Clair de lune it is one of my favourites". I smiled softly more to myself remembering playing this with dad. This was the song I played at my first recital. I remember at the recital dad brought all of his co-workers and friends, he even made posters and t-shirts. He was my biggest fan.

"I am so proud of you bumblebee". 

A small tear escaped my eye falling down my swallowed rosy cheek falling onto Louis hands which were still holding mine. He gave me a tight squeeze giving me a sympathetic smile and gently kissed my forehead. "I am not going to let anyone hurt you again". He mumbled making my heart swell in content. Bruno gently pulled me letting my head rest on his shoulder. You would think seeing how bulky and muscular my brothers are that they would be uncomfortable but surprising they are all cuddly teddy bears. 

I giggled slightly at this seeing all of them including Vince as teddy bears. "what are you giggling about hmm"? Luke turned around smirking holding a raised eyebrow. "Just about how you are all cuddly bunnies". I winked playfully holding a mischievous smirk. I looked into the car mirror to see Vince smirking amusement dancing in his eyes. "Oh really". Louis playfully growled showing me his 'glare'. Bruno then trapped my hands not enough to hurt me but enough to restrict my movement. "I think we should teach our little sister a lesson". My eyes widened and I shrieked trying my best to wiggle out without hurting myself. "Touch me and I swear to god I will cut off your hands and shove them down your throat while plucking out your eyeballs". I growled giving them my best glare. Luke shook his head back and forth with disbelief while all the boys chuckled dryly. "Well, that's a bit violent". Luke mumbled chuckling at the end. "Yes, I agree that was not very nice". Louis glared at me playfully swaying his finger in front of me as if I was a disobedient child. "I think we should teach baby sis a lesson". Bruno grinned ear to ear. "I am not a baby". I pouted leaning my head back on Bruno's chest. They only hummed then attacked me with tickles and Bruno's kisses. "DAD HELP I AM BEING ATTACKED"! I gasped in between my laughs. "I swear when I die I will HUANT ALL OF YOU"! they all continued to laugh at my growls and threats. "apologies and we will stop". Tears rolled down my cheeks as I was laughing so hard. "I-I am Sorry". I giggled trying to contain my laughter. My stomach was hurting so much from laughing and my cheeks were hurting. "also tell us that we are the best brothers".

"Well, that's asking a bit much". I muttered making them growl at me playfully. I laughed so hard as they continued their attack still being mindful of my injuries. "Ok-ok". They retreated their hands but still waved them around raising their eyebrows daring me.

"You guys are the best teddy bears". 

For the rest of the ride to the doctors or to wherever they were taking me I couldn't help but think. Did I see Vince as my father now? Did my brothers only change because they now know everything and they are pitying me? was this just all pity? Or was this real? It felt surreal of how comfortable and close I felt towards these people, I have only known for such a short while. But one thing I know for sure. No matter how much I will try to deny and try my hardest not too. I love these people.

I love my family.

Through thick and thin I would do anything for them. For if it is taking a bullet or if it is being a cuddle buddy. I will be there for them. I wish my heart fought harder not to let them in. not to let myself feel love and warmth for my family and dad. Because now I am vulnerable. Now I am at risk. Over the years I have done so well. I have being so successful of not letting myself get close to anyone. But as soon as these people took me in. everything I have learnt to control is now crumbling. I have let them see me... I have let them see the darkest part of me. the part where I swore to never show anyone. But I broke that promise. The biggest and greatest promise that I made myself. I just hope that this isn't a big mistake. Because if they leave me or hurt me. it won't just hurt me...

It would kill me.

We arrived after around 20 minutes to what looked like a massive warehouse. Guards in dark suits and large guns surrounded the building. Where the hell were we? I scrunched my face up in confusion then turned to Louis. "where are we"? I asked in no one particular. This place looked like nothing I had ever seen before. I thought we were going to the hospital. But this looks more like an FBI hideout or something. "we are at our warehouse". Vince's voice sounded strained and cold. "Oh"? I said sounding unconvinced. This wasn't adding up. I thought they said they own a hotel chain and clubs and companies. So what's this? 

They all got out of the car Bruno lifting me out much to my distaste. I stared at the warehouse weird FBI place feeling my anxiety starting to swarm again. "No". I stopped in my tracks after walking with the boys. they all turned around looking at me questionably. "I don't think I can do this". I whispered half pleading to them. Bruno's lip turned to a frown then pulled me into a hug wrapping his large arms around me more protectively. "It's ok I will be here with you twiny". Bruno mumbled in my hair. "we will take every step together". I sniffled holding him tighter. "ok". I muttered trying to hold back tears. Louis then came and before I could ask what he was doing he picked me bridal style. He then carried me as he and the others walked to the back of the warehouse. My body was stiff and I felt like a bag of spuds. "Sorry, you don't have to carry me.. you will hurt yourself I'm probably really heavy". I mumbled his chest shifted as he and the others chuckled. "baby you don't have to worry about me all the others carrying you". He laughed and looked really amused. "You're lighter than a feather". He looked down at me smugly but his eyes held sadness and guilt. My face formed an 'o' shape and I just shut my mouth to try and hold my embarrassment. Vince entered some sort of pin into the lock and the hard metal door opened saying 'access granted'. As we walked in my jaw dropped and I was completely stunned. It looked like inside a hospital ward. the walls were white and all the lights were shining brightly. Nurses and doctors walked around, heavy medical medicines sat in the corners of the halls. 

I thought when Vince said I was going to Alex's medical clinic it was just going to be some small little doctors clinic. But no, it was a flipping hospital, Louis carried me into a room. Which more looked like a hotel room than a hospital patients room. He sat me on the bed and the other brought seats over so they can sit around. Alex came in with his whole doctor get up wearing a large white coat. "Well hello, Doctor Mr fancy man". I said sweetly slightly smirking at my charismatic voice. "Hello, piccolo". I groaned at the nickname which made them chuckle. "Are you ready to get started"?

"ok" ...

Alex and a nurse called Lilly bandaged my burns and bruises. They also put numbing cream and burn cream on them. Afterwards, I got an x-ray for my ribs and shoulder. I felt numb throughout the whole thing turning off all my emotions and thoughts. Alex wheeled me back into the room with Vince and the others were still waiting for me. "so, I am just going to give a report". He looked at me as if for approval or for any emotion. But I just gave him my cold emotionless stare. I felt nothing.... he cleared his throat before he continued. "so she has had a few cases of 2nd-degree burns, she has 2 cracked ribs as well as severe bruising around them. Her collarbone is also fractured and will need to be in a sling for 4-6 weeks. We also found in the scans of past broken bones what have healed incorrectly.. she is also very severely underweight and malnourished". He looked at me sympathetically looking as if it was more painful than anything. I took in the emotion as if I was taking in the biggest lie ever to be told. It seemed almost unreal to hear everything. This was really happening... He then turned to the nurse and gave her some sort of sign. She came up to me and gave me two pills. "hello". She spoke softly smiling at me sweetly. "here are the morning after pills. We give after the r**e to make sure there are no unwanted pregnancy's". A few unwanted cold tears fell down but I caught them quickly wiping them away roughly. "I will also like to check your pelvic area to ensure there is no abdominal damage or anything". I looked at her in horror tears emerging in my eyes. My chest tightened and I wrapped my arms around me tightly. Hoping and praying for all of this to go away. Vince rushed to my side pulling me on his lap wrapping his arms around me holding me protectively. He whispered soothing things in my ear telling me I was ok and I was safe. 

All I could think of was Mike. My whole childhood was destroyed by him. He corrupted everything. He snatched my innocence and stomped on it... continuing to corrupt my mind.. destroying all my faith and hope. He took all my dreams and all my memories and twisted it. 

So now all I am now is damaged.. 

And now it's just proving that..

I am damaged.

I am broken...

How can Vince ever want me as his daughter?

How could anyone ever want me as their sister?

I wrapped my arms around Vince.. and broke... after years of holding all my tears.. all my heart break... all my rejection... all my grief.... All my trauma... It was as if my heart just needed to break.. it needs to pour... and sadly today was the day.. after eight years today is the day. Vince whispered soothing things in the crook of my neck comforting as best as he can. I clutched his suit jacket tighter my tears staining onto his jacket. "I'm sorry daddy I am just scared". He held me more protectively and whispered to me that I was safe. "I just want this to disappear". I sobbed. "it's ok baby". he mumbled kissing my forehead. "I-I". I couldn't get any words out he rocked me back and forth as if I was a newborn baby. 

It took around thirty minutes before I stopped crying. "ok". I whispered making Vince look at me. "I will get it checked". I mumbled looking down at my lap. Vince smiled proudly at me sadness hinted in his eyes. "I love you baby". 

"I love you too". I smiled sadly at him..

Vince, Alex and the boys left to give me and the nurse privacy. It felt the most uncomfortable experience ever. I tried my best to cut off all emotions and thoughts throughout it all. Trying my best not to think or overthink anything. Just trying my best to not think to distract me and not feel anything. 

After the examination, she looked at me sympathetically soon calling everyone back in. Bruno, Luke and Louis pulled me into big protective hugs. Vince came and pulled me onto his lap and Bruno never left my side never letting go of my hand. Alex looked at the examination report tears prickling his eyes. He gave it back to the nurse and give her a nod. "So, the examination did inform there has been cases of r**e. But the most confronting and worrying thing was the inflammation and scar tissue. From the observation, it was clear that there has being a lot of trauma to the pelvic area. You will need to have medicine description and bed rest for your body to be able to heal". She looked at me looking as if she was also going to cry. "I would suggest being on bed rest for 2-3 weeks". She then started informing as well as Alex telling Vince and me about the 'damage'.

How could they even want me after this?

Luke carried me this time back to the car and on the way back played some instrumental music. I rested my head on Louis's chest and hugged his arms as he held me protectively. Bruno held my hands caressing my hand with his thumb. No one said anything besides the comforting words of 'you did great baby" and 'I am so proud of you'. My mind felt numb but my heart felt warm. For some reason as much as I felt the pain I also felt relief. The tightness in my chest felt as if it had been eased. 

I am so scared of losing Vince and my brothers that now that everything is revealed I feel like I am sitting on a borderline. As if one wrong step and everything will fall and sink. When I was younger and I lost dad. I felt as if I lost a part of me... my other half.. my other part... the other thing that completes me. I have gotten so used to this missing part that now that I am here I am scared out of my mind. because it feels as if the missing part of me had now split into seven parts. The biggest one fitting into Vince.

My father...

I don't know why or if I should accept him and call him father. I know it's wrong for me to play him along. But what if he leaves? What if he hurts me? what if he turns into mike? As much as these questions raid my mind. I can't help but feel happy... happy that I finally have the one person I have been missing...

I finally have my dad back.