All the Sad Little Things

Chapter 8: Self Sabotage

Present

Work drug by so slowly. Maybe it was the lack of sleep or the lack of customers that failed to keep me busy. I envied Kelly and Lilly. Kelly’s family had money and financed Kelly’s ability to take the summer off before she began working as an accountant for her brother’s company. Plus, she was going to be working towards her master’s and insisted to her parents that she just needed the summer to relax and mentally prepare. Lilly, being an editor/creative writer was able to work from the comfort of home. All she needed was her laptop and a comfy place to sit and she was golden. I didn’t mind working at The Flower Den. I actually really liked my job. It sure beat serving pizza to a bunch of drunk college students like at my previous job. I just missed getting to spend time with Kelly and Lilly like I had before. I really hoped we would all be able to go to dinner together this evening especially after everything that had happened last night and early this morning.

Hours had gone by and still no phone calls and no customers. I already finished all my other odd jobs and was just trying to find anything that would keep me busy. “You’re making me nervous!” the owner said to me. “You’re like a fly trapped inside, buzzing around, bouncing off of everything. Go home.”

“I don’t understand.” I said confused, seeing as how there was still another hour left in the work day.

“I said, go home!” he repeated. “No reason for you to stick around and get paid for doing nothing.” I was grateful that he had given me a job but my goodness, he could be a crotchety old b*****d sometimes. I wasn’t too disappointed though. This would give me more time with the girls this evening. So, I grabbed my purse, punched out, and headed home as fast as I could.

When I got back to the apartment I was excited to let the girls know that I had gotten out early. I could hear the girls down the hall talking and giggling in Lilly’s room. At least we were all in a much better mood today.

“Hello ladies!” I said as I walked into Lilly’s room. I was just about to ask where they would like to go out to eat tonight when I noticed we weren’t the only ones present. The girls sat on the edge of the bed while Zander stood, leaning against the wall. He was the last person I thought I would ever see in this apartment again after what had happened last night. Dylan had really done a number on Zander’s face. He could barely see out of his one eye and his nose looked to be broken.

“Well! Hey there neighbor!” Zander said in a very nasally voice. Yep! His nose was definitely broken.

“Zander came over to apologize for last night. Isn’t that sweet of him?” Lilly said as she got up from the bed and walked towards me.

“Yeah, really sweet.” I said, making sure Zander could hear the disappointment in my voice. “Hey! I brought some stuff home for you two. Want to come grab it really quick?” I lied, trying to lure the girls out into the kitchen so we could talk. Kelly jumped off the bed, understanding the secret message right away and grabbed Lilly, leading her out into the hall.

“What the hell is going on?” I said both confused and frustrated.

“Lower your voice!” Lilly hissed through her teeth. “Zander wanted to apologize and take me out tonight to make it up to me.” I honestly was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth.

“Did you forget about everything we talked about this morning?” I looked to Kelly for backup but she didn’t say a word. “I thought you were going to try and fix things with Dylan?” I whispered trying to keep my voice down this time.

“I’ve been trying to get ahold of him all day but he won’t answer my texts or calls.” Lilly said, moping. “If he won’t talk to me then f*** him.” She was clearly upset Dylan wasn’t getting back to her but I still didn’t understand why she insisted on entertaining Zander’s advances.

“Lilly! Dylan is mad at you. You need to give him sometime to cool down especially after last night.” I was trying to be the voice of reason, hoping that Lilly would see clearly. “It’s going to take more than a day to fix this.” She rolled her eyes at me and looked at Kelly who was clearly staying neutral on the matter.

“He’s probably with that little s**t.” I could see the fire building behind Lilly’s eyes. Usually, when Lilly got like this she would end up doing something reckless or impulsive. Kelly and I would always try to talk her down off the ledge but despite all our attempts to keep her grounded, she would choose to jump regardless. Just then, Zander entered the room looking a little too smug. Had he been listening to us girls talking in the kitchen? “You can take me out tonight on one condition!” Lilly said to Zander playfully. “No funny business. You’ll bring me home right after dinner because I’m still a little mad at you for last night.”

“Scouts honor!” Zander said jokingly, holding up two fingers. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I just shook my head at Lilly and made my way back to my room. A few moments later I heard a knock on my door and Kelly peaked in.

“Did they leave yet?” I asked her, motioning her to shut the door.

“They’re getting ready to. Lilly is changing.” We sat in silence for a few minutes until we eventually heard them leave. “Please don’t be mad at me!” Kelly begged. “You know I don’t like confrontation. Plus she seemed so much happier than last night.”

“I’m not upset with you Kelly.” I reassured her. “I just can’t see this ending well for anyone. Someone is going to get hurt.”

“I think it’s a little too late for that.” Kelly let out a long sigh and looked over at me as if she were defeated by all the drama of the day.

“Would you like to still grab dinner tonight or do you want to wait until Lilly can come along too?” I asked Kelly, giving her a little smile.

“Let’s go!” she replied, her face looking a little happier now. “It’s been forever since you and I had some “us” time.”

Dinner with my best friend had been really nice. Kelly had been right. It had been a while since the two of us had just hung out together. After we met Lilly it was always the three of us. We talked about how to try and help Lilly mostly but we also talked about our lives after this summer was over. Kelly was worried she wouldn’t be able to handle school and work at the same time. Earning her master’s degree was extremely important to her but she feared her family’s pressure for her to do well at her brother’s company would somehow trump that.

“You have always been an amazing multitasker Kelly. Don’t sell yourself short. You are going to do an amazing job.” I said, trying to be supportive and encouraging.

“So, what about you? Have you decided what you are going to do since you are no longer going back home to teach?” I shook my head ‘no’ and lowered my gaze. I couldn’t help feeling ashamed of myself. After giving up the teaching offer back home at my old high school I had become completely directionless. This wasn’t like me at all, having no goals or plans for my own future. “Don’t worry! You’ll figure it out.” Kelly smiled and reached across the table to give my hand a squeeze.

After dinner, Kelly and I made our way back to the apartment. We were going to go back and watch a movie and just relax after this crazy day. However, we had run into a couple of girls who were Kelly’s old accounting classmates. They were on their way to a party and said, “You two should totally come along with us!” Kelly looked excited and really seemed as though she wanted to go.

“You go! Have fun!” I told her. “I’ve got work in the morning so I should probably get home and get to bed.”

“You sure?” she asked, making sure I wasn’t upset.

“Absolutely! Go have fun and be safe.” We both leaned in and gave each other a big hug. “I’ll keep my phone on. Call me if you need anything.” I made my way back to the apartment and was actually excited to crawl into bed. This day had been so long and filled with so much drama. When I walked into the apartment I noticed it was unusually dark. We normally left a light on when we left but one of us must have accidentally switched it off. I stumbled through the kitchen trying to make it to the living room without tripping over anything. I kicked something on the floor, reaching for the light switch just through the doorway into the living room. I flipped the light on and was met with absolute chaos.

“Oh my f***ing God Emma!” Lilly screamed. “Do you mind?” Lilly scrambled to collect her clothing scattered all over the floor, tripping over a man’s shoe. That must have been what I kicked in my efforts to find the light switch. Zander sat on the couch completely naked, struggling to pull himself up. The sound of his nasty, sweaty body getting up off the leather sofa was more than I could take.

“What the hell Lilly! What the f*** were you thinking?” I yelled. Zander drunkenly laughed and snorted.”

“Calm down. We’re just having some fun.” Zander could barely stand and Lilly too for that matter.

“It’s called a bedroom Lilly! Ever think about using it and not our communal couch?” I ignored Zander completely and tried helping Lilly balance as she struggled to get her shirt on.

“I don’t need your help!” Lilly yelled, pushing me away. Lilly lost her footing and stumbled backwards, crashing into the glass television stand. Zander laughed even harder and fell back down on the couch. I shot Zander a cold stare as if to tell him to shut up and tried again to help Lilly stand. “I said, don’t touch me!” she yelled, batting my hands away.

“Fine.” I said, my heart breaking for her. I scooped up my purse from off the kitchen floor and walked out of the apartment, slamming the door behind me. I stood outside the apartment for what seemed like forever just trying to breathe and calm down. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. This all seemed too familiar and panic took over my whole body. My heart rate and breathing were out of control. My lungs and chest began to burn with an intense heat that slowly consumed the rest of my body. I dropped to the ground gasping for air, tears filling my eyes. Just when I thought this terrible feeling would take me completely, I felt two strong arms wrap around my crumpled body. Then, in the dark a soft low voice saying,

“It’s ok. I’ve got you.”