All the Sad Little Things

Chapter 6: I’m Sorry. So Sorry.

Trigger Warning: This chapter includes themes of physical, mental, and s****l abuse

Past

The days following after prom and leading up to high school graduation were a blur. I think my mind and body had just tried to block out that night and what Scott had done to me. The Monday after prom I returned to school fully intending to speak to my senior counselor. Mrs. Gilmore was a kind woman and had always been so sweet to me, helping me navigate my way through college prep and helping me apply for scholarships. She was one of the few people on the high school staff who seemed like they genuinely cared about you. I had asked my dad if he could take me to school that morning not wanting to ride the bus. I told him I had to get there early to turn in some college stuff into the office. In reality, I just wanted to avoid running into Scott in the bus drop off line. I planned to head straight to Mrs. Gilmore’s office in hopes that she would be able to help me figure this out.

We pulled up to the school and I was relieved to see that no buses had pulled in yet. I leaned over, gave my dad a kiss on the cheek, and thanked him for the ride. As I entered the school it was quiet but there was still a soft hum of voices in the halls, like the sound coming from inside a beehive. There were students already here. One of the buses must have been early that morning and had dropped the students off and left before I had reached the school. I noticed one of the kids from Scott’s neighborhood and panic set in. He was here. I began speed walking, heading straight for the office. I grabbed the handle to the door and practically threw myself into the office. At the desk I asked the secretary if I could speak to Mrs. Gilmore right away. Before she could completely motion me through I had already started back towards her personal office. I walked in through her door and began to speak. “Mrs. Gilmore, I was wondering if I could speak with you this morning.” Mrs. Gilmore sat in her chair by the window, organizing some papers while Scott sat in the chair opposite her. I could feel my heart pounding in my throat and my stomach twisting in knots.

“Miss Blake! Come in and have a seat. Mr. Hagy and I were just talking about you.” Mrs. Gilmore sounded very cheery. I glanced over at Scott and his sh*t eating grin about made me sick. “Mr. Hagy was just telling me how much you inspire him and push him to be a better person. He has requested that his peer mentor be changed to you for these last few weeks of school.” Scott was a smart guy but procrastination and lack of discipline had caused his grades to slip. In an effort to save his GPA and give him a shot at college, Mrs. Gilmore put him in the peer mentor program. Basically, a fellow classmate that you were compatible with would help tutor you and push you to do better.

“But Anthony is Scott’s peer mentor.” I looked over at Scott again. He still had that sickening smile on his face but his eyes shot daggers right through me.

“Normally I wouldn’t condone a switch this close to the end of the school year and I know you two are dating which goes against my better judgement but Scott here has made a pretty compelling case.” Mrs. Gilmore rose from her chair and made her way around to the front of the desk. “Emma, I know you have so much on your plate already and if this is too much for you then we will find a suitable replacement for Scott’s peer mentor.” She placed her hand on my shoulder and looked down at me with puppy dog eyes. “But I just know that you are up to the task and think about who you would be doing this for.” She looked over at Scott and Scott looked up at her with an innocent smile.

“Please Emma. I can’t do this without you. You inspire me to be a better person. I want to be better for you.” Scott reached over and grabbed my hand and squeezed it hard. Mrs. Gilmore’s eyes were misty. I couldn’t believe she was falling for this. He had gotten to her first and had her wrapped around his little finger.

“Oh my goodness! You two are absolutely adorable.” she said fighting back her emotions. “So, it’s settled then! Emma you will be Mr. Hagy’s peer mentor for the remainder of the grading period.” She hadn’t even waited for my answer. How was I ever going to talk to her now that he had pulled the wool so far over her eyes. “So, Miss Blake! What was it that you wanted to see me about this morning?”

“I just wanted to see if you had any more scholarship opportunities for me.” I lied.

“See Scott! This is how I know we made the right choice. Emma is so determined and driven.” Mrs. Gilmore opened up one of her filing cabinets and started rooting through it, looking for scholarship and grant applications. “I have no doubt in my mind that you two will succeed in whatever you set your minds to.” She handed us both some brochures and applications and said, “Now, you two better get going to home room before the bell rings.” Scott grabbed my hand again and pulled me up out of the chair and out of the office. I tried pulling away but he pulled me in close and with his other hand he lifted my chin so our eyes would meet.

“Looks like we are going to be spending more quality time together just like you’ve always wanted.” He forced a hard kiss on my lips and then let me go. I watched him walk down the hallway and out of sight before I ran to the girl’s bathroom. I burst through the stall door and just made it to the toilet before I began to vomit. After I was done I slid to the floor, tucked my knees to my chest, and muffled my cries in the sleeves of my sweatshirt. I stayed there on that bathroom floor until my absence from class had alerted my teachers. I heard my name being called over the intercom, telling me to report to the front office. When I got there I told them I had been sick and was in the bathroom. I could tell that they were questioning the validity of my story and I was sure I was going to receive detention. That’s when Mrs. Gilmore stepped in and defended me.

“Miss Blake was in my office this morning bright and early discussing grant applications. I could tell the poor thing wasn’t feeling well. She looked very pale and exhausted.” She smiled at me reassuringly. “She is a dedicated student and would never skip out on her classes by choice.” After that I was sent to wait in the nurses office until my parents could come pick me up. The nurse gave me a blanket and let me lay down in the back, away from the other students waiting to take medication or be examined. At some point I had fallen asleep and was later awoken by my mom gently rubbing my shoulder. I sat up and immediately started sobbing.

“Oh honey! What’s wrong?” my mom said, extremely concerned.

“I’m so sorry! I am so sorry mommy!” It was the only thing I could manage to say through my tears.