All the Sad Little Things

Chapter 13: Fight or Flight

Trigger Warning: Themes of Self Harm, Mental, Physical, and s****l Abuse

Past

When I returned to school after my week of rest following my hospital visit, mom had made sure we had a sit down meeting with Mrs. Gilmore, the principal, and the school nurse. While I don’t quite remember everything that was discussed in the meeting, I do know that my mom had made me out to be some kind of charity case. I would only be required to do what was absolutely necessary to maintain my GPA. I wasn’t allowed to over burden myself with extra curricular activities or anything else that wasn’t contributing to my final grade. I was expected to check in with the school nurse at least once a day to get my blood pressure and pulse recorded. And if by chance during the school day I felt the least bit overwhelmed or tired, I was allowed to excuse myself from class to go and rest for a while in the nurses station or Mrs. Gilmore’s office. My mom felt it was the least they could do for the overwhelming work load they had placed on my young shoulders. I just remember the immense guilt I felt seeing Mrs. Gilmore sob uncontrollably, apologizing because she felt she had pushed me past breaking point. That wasn’t the worst part though. I knew eventually I would have to face Scott and I dreaded the idea of having to look him in the eye. After the meeting my mom said goodbye and I made my way to class. I entered my first period class several minutes late because of the meeting that morning. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, ripping me apart and dissecting me. I noticed a few of the girls from the cheer squad leaning over in their seats and whispering to one another as they watched me make my way through the room. Kelly was in my first period so I desperately searched the room for her face. I found her sitting in her usual seat towards the back of the room and felt a sense of relief knowing she was there. She gave me a smile and a little wave. Just as I went to sit down at my desk Mr. Clark called me back up to the front of the room where he sat behind his table.

“Glad to see you back and doing well Miss Blake.” Mr. Clark said looking me over. “You had all of us worried last week.” I could feel his eyes all over me too as if they were scanning me for physical signs of damage. Why was everyone staring at me like that? “Earth to Miss Blake!” Mr. Clark said loudly as he snapped his fingers in my face. The whole class giggled and I suddenly became aware that I must have zoned out at some point.

“I’m so sorry Mr. Clark! I apologized. “I am still just really exhausted. What were you saying?”

“I was asking if you had your makeup work from last week.” Mr. Clark had his one hand outstretched towards me, waiting impatiently to receive the work I owed him. “Do you need to go see the nurse Miss Blake?” he asked me. I could hear the annoyed tone in his voice. I apologized again and assured him I was fine, handing him my papers. As I turned to make my way back to my desk again I heard my name called from across the room.

“Hey Emma! It’s down the road, not across the street.” The entire class burst into laughter except for Kelly. Mr. Clark angrily yelled for the class to keep quiet and threatened detention for anyone who spoke out of turn again. I had recognized the voice which belonged to one of Scott’s friends. Kelly had told me that she had overheard Scott telling people that he thought I was hurting myself for attention but I never thought people would take it seriously. I realized then I was going to have to confront Scott whether I wanted to or not. I put my head down on my desk for the remainder of class and waited for the bell to ring, signaling second period.

I half expected to run into Scott in the halls on my way to and from class. I usually did see him but today it was odd. It was like he had vanished. It felt like I was walking through a horror house, any minute he would jump out and grab me. Even in the lunch hall, he was nowhere to be found. I asked Kelly and a few of Scott’s friends if they had seen him but no one seemed to know. Scott and I shared one class together at the very end of the day which guaranteed his presence, unless he was in fact absent. When last period rolled around I made sure to get to class as soon as possible. I wanted to make sure I had enough time to confront Scott and demand that we speak privately as soon as possible. I was annoyed by his absence and had even tried texting him to see where he was. He never showed up for class that day or bothered to return my texts. Now that he knew I was back at school, was he avoiding me? Was he hiding because he was scared I would tell someone what he had done to me? Were his lies about my mental health a distraction to try and cover up the real reason for my absence last week? I knew if I didn’t take care of this soon, the truth would be exposed and I wasn’t ready for that. If the truth was inevitable then it would be on my terms. In my mind I knew I needed to find him fast before he caused more damage than he already had. I made up my mind that I would call his home and ask to speak with him after school. If he refused to talk to me, I would show up at his house and demand he speak to me or I would go to the police. That should get his attention I thought. For the first time in weeks I felt confident and powerful. I was going to take control of this nightmare and rid my life of it somehow. I planned to ride the bus home like I always did after school and ask my mom to barrow the car for an hour. I had a feeling she wouldn’t be too happy about that but I was determined to make up any excuse I could to get that car. Then, I would drive over to Scott’s home and make him talk to me. Make him admit what he had done to me. The bell rang and everyone sprang from their seats and rushed to the door. I suddenly felt frozen. All the courage and strength that I had mustered was dissipating. If I was to confront Scott, I needed to move before I lost the will to fight for myself.

The bus ride home felt so long when in truth my house was only a fifteen minute ride from the school. I kept going over in my mind exactly what I was going to say to Scott when I saw him. All I needed now was a believable excuse to barrow the car. Maybe I could say I had to pick up notes from last week at Kelly’s house. I really didn’t want to wrap Kelly up in this though or have to lie to my mom anymore than I already had. I was just going to have to figure it out when I got home. Before the bus could even screech to a halt in front of my home, I could see the red beater sitting at the foot of my driveway. Scott had come to my house. Panic set in and I could feel my heart begin to pound in my chest. This had changed everything. As I made my way slowly up the driveway, Scott stepped out of his car and walked towards me.

“You wanted to talk to me? Let’s talk.”